The front page of today's London Metro shouted in large bold font: "Mobiles can cut fertility by third."

The news article went on to explain that, due to carrying their cell phones in their trouser pockets or on holsters on their belts, men seriously risk having their sperm count slashed by a third and "vastly reduce the chances of conception."

The study was performed on more than 220 cell phone-packing men in Hungary.

What's more, the phones don't even have to be carried close to the crotch. They just need to be on the body somewhere. And, even better, the phone can remain on standby - no call even has to be made - in order for the electromagnetic signals to ravage a man's fertility.

Of course, as they always do, experts - in this case, British ones - warned against those who might naturally feel quite distressed at this news. The significance behind the findings of the Hungarian study will be analysed and presented at a European conference on June 29. Apparently, according to the Brits, the Magyar mobile phones operate on a single frequency, whereas limey phones employ several wavelengths.

"There is no conclusive evidence of damage to health but mobile phones have only been around for about fifteen years," says Professor Lawrence Challis, a Government advisor. "Many serious diseases take much longer to produce symptoms."

I say, let's facilitate free trade to the max. Turn as many men into mobile-talking metrosexuals across the world as we can. Talk about a way to reduce the population without resorting to the slaughter of potential, sentient beings (otherwise known as abortion). Even Red China will take notice and possibly consider reversing their "one family, one child" policy which many conservatives, right-leaning libertarians and human-rights conscious liberals consider austere if not downright draconian. Even sex education would become perhaps a bit less apropos.

If there is any policy the World Trade Organization ought to pursue, it should be the cheap facilitation of cell phones across the world. Just in case the sterilizing effects of using them turns out to be true.