Happy food
Published June 20, 2004
Cherries make me happy. Lamb with mint sauce makes me sad. Malt-o-Meal with brown sugar and butter makes me happy. Lipton tea with ReaLemon makes me sad.
If you really want to make me sad, you'll make me some Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup. But if you want to depress me, you'll dump that can of soup into a casserole.
Raman noodles, especially when you drop in an egg, makes me feel much better, especially if I add the egg after the noodles are done and give it a good stir. And also if I dump a spoon of cayenne pepper in there. Then I really feel great because the heat and the pepper drain my head. Much better! (Careful not to drain into your bowl).
Happy food is not a happy meal. I'm too mature for prizes. I don't need incentives to eat. But some foods, dagnab it, just make me want to die. Chicken and rice, for example, an old staple at the Fisher house until we all admitted one day how much we all hated it. The whole idea of instant rice topped with frozen chicken breasts slathered with another can of Cream of Some-Goddam-Thing makes me lust for a happy meal.
Sad food, such as cold pasta with no meat or sauce, is to be strictly avoided, as are all organ meats with enticing names such as "sweet breads" and "Rocky Mountain Oysters."
All meats become sad foods the moment you think about what you're eating, otherwise they generally fall under the happy category. The exception to this is venison and turtle. These meats cannot be made happy and must be given to your neighbors with pride and sacrifice.
Whatever is barbecued becomes happy food the instant it gains a thick coat of carbon. A glaze of sweet sauce makes it even happier. But as you rip the ribs from the bone, ask yourself this: Are you comfortable ingesting petroleum byproducts? Because that what those "charcoal" briquettes are. There's no wood in them. Just byproducts marinated in lighter fluid. Mmmmm. What we do instead is gather dead wood, start a fire in the Weber, and turn it to coal. Try it sometime. You'll never use briquettes again.
- Happy food
- Published: June 20, 2004
- Type:
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: CW Fisher
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I had a reaction from a fellow who wrote three long paragraphs in defense of the mango.
A guy's got to be careful when he writes about controversial issues.
I'm sorry to hear about your aversion to chocolate, Eric. This would be a personality-altering disability if it were me, but I'd probably look more mature finally, since I wouldn't have that dark, sticky ring around my mouth.
I'm with you on the cranberries, though, especially canned cranberries that fall out of the can in a perfect cylinder. My mother used to slice it like beets. Then my mother in law came into the scene -- she used to fluff them. It was probably the right thing to do, but it seemed barbaric to me.
I must differ on the mangoes. They are very happy, especially when cubed. You have to get them at the right time, though. Overripe mangoes are too much.
Now sweet potatoes, to which the aforementioned mango was unjustly compared are happy in and of themselves. Sweet potato casserole...mmmmm.
You are RIGHT! I'm wrong. My God, how could I? I think waht I was saying was that it's strange to eat a fruit that reminds you of a vegetable. It would be like thinking you're eating a vegetable and then being told it's an organ meat. Or thinking you're eating grits and then learning it's paper pulp.
I do agree that sweet potatoes are definitely a happy, especially when marshmallows are in the majority.
I have diabetes. Complications from diabetes killed my father. Sugar is not a happy food for me, though it would be a happy day if I could indulge in it. Then again, I have never been a candy eater -- I was much happier eating potato chips.
So that would be my happy food: Potato chips. Preferably Utz potato chips. Mmmmm. I get happy just thinking about 'em.
And seafood -- any seafood -- makes me very happy.
My mouth is happy with a Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza Hut Super Supreme Large Pizza.
The next day, however, my asshole is somewhat unhappy... :-/
Gross. And I'm talking about Pizza Hut.
Another happy ingestible: the chai latte. Mmmmmm, creamy, dreamy good.
Diabetes is all about managing obesity. Potato chips are horrible nutritionally: they're the worst possible combination of sodium, fat, and starch (which by the way, turns right into glucose). Chai lattes are all sugar as well, as are most Starbucks products.
RJ: Tell your boyfriend you're skipping the nightcap after dinner next time. Say you have a headache or something :)
Anyone ever get pizza hangover in college? It's a whole different thing than an alcohol hangover. And it doesn't involve the runs. You wake up in the morning with your stomach feeling funny and thirsty as hell after eating that large pizza.
That is all.
I have never been obese a day in my life. I work hard to keep from being overweight, so potato chips are something I do rarely. (Hence, I am rarely happy.) Chai lattes aren't sweet if you don't put sugar into them. I make mine myself -- tea, spices, skim milk, baby.
Aw, Natalie, chai-ness is no excuse. Get out there and slug down a nice fat whopper like the rest of us slugs. You can do it! Heck, my mother-in-law, after she died, oh. Sorry. Anyway, we found all these pieces of cake wrapped in aluminum foil (which you can't see through), and placed in odd, noncakelike containers: a coffee can, a sandwich box, Tupperware for pizza slices. It all in varying stages of decay, some merely stale, others deydrated to bricks. Good though.
Pizza Hut is not happy food. It's fried pizza, that's what it is. Look at it - taste it - they must baste their pizza in generous amounts of grease and then bake it to the point where the grease boils, effectively "frying" the pizza. I feel WAY nasty after eating Pizza Hut. That said, like KFC, there's a strange period every year, usually only once, that I absolutely HAVE TO have Pizza Hut (and, alternately, KFC.) I apply the rule the father character Mike Myers played in So I Married An Axe Murderer - "he (the Colonel) puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly." I couldn't handle it "fortnightly," once a year is good enough for me.
Happy food? Chocolate chip cookies, hands down - especially fresh-baked ones.
Tom, I used to work for KFC years ago. Stay away from the potatoes.
You've piqued my interest, Boomcrashbaby. I will probably regret asking this, but . . . what's the deal with the potato products (and are we talking mashed potatoes or fries, or both?)
Heheh, friend of mine went on a field trip to KFC like, in elementary school and couldn't eat fried chicken for years afterwards, based on what he saw.
I'm really lazy about my fried chicken personally. I like chicken strips, cuz bones are a pain.
As for pizza, we all know that best pizza in the UNIVERSE is NYC pizza, but if you have to order corporate pizza, go with Papa John's. They'll do ya okay.
pizaa cannot be adequately discussed in such an offhand manner
There's nothing wrong with the chicken (beyond being fried, which is unfortunately when it's the best). If someone in elementary school was traumatized, it was probably just cuz he was so young and saw raw chicken being cut up.
The mashed potatoes I was referring to, was just in one store, I'm sure. But it made me unable to eat dehydrated potatoes to this day. Just because I'm now aware of something I didn't really think of before. Basically, the vat of boiling water (boils all the time the store is open, refilled when needed) became oxidized. I mean those vats boil every day for years. Iron flakes or nickel, etc. in the water. I'm sure it's not across the entire chain, to be fair, and it wouldn't be limited to KFC either. But I just skip mashed potatoes unless I know I'm at a restaurant that makes it from scratch.
I'm with ya, boomcb, but here's the thing: there is no real food in restaurants anymore. I'm sure of it. Mashed potatoes, phwa. Nobody's going to peel whole potatoes anymore! Way too expensive.
Scrambled eggs? No such thing in most restaurants. It's "egg mixture" in a boil bag. Five pounds of "eggs" in about 40 minutes.
There are thousands of other examples, but I can't thing of any more.
I don't think they can fake an omelette. Now THERE's a happy food. A well-made Denver. Like they made it at the cab stand at O'Hare, with green olives!
there is no real food in restaurants anymore.
Yeah, there is. In restaurants where there is a chef instead of a cook. They are more expensive, so you might not be able to eat out as often, but when you do, there are good places to choose from. One thing I thought of while reading this thread, in regards to my own 'happy food', is the atmosphere. There's several different elements that can go into making a really good meal. Fine dining by a fireplace while being pampered by waiters can really enhance a plate full of escargot.
if you are really hungry, most food is happy food
Please, sir, may I have more gruel...
I'll give 50% off my next post to the first person who can cite that reference... AND write the lyric to what follows.
Fifty percent. (low whistle)
"Oliver!", of course, which posed the musical question, "Is it worth the waiting for? / If we live 'til eighty four / All we ever get is gru...el?"
"Food, glorious food --
we're anxious to try it.
Three banquets a day,
our favorite diet.
Just picture a great big steak --
Fried, roasted or stewed.
Oh, food,
Wonderful food,
Marvelous food,
Glorous food."
Damn, I'm hungry. And not for gruel.
combine this post with the Barking Dogs post and you have Vietnamese lunch (ba-dump-da)
Balls,
Balls,
They always fall.
Fuck a happy food,
I'm not in a happy mood.
I can't say "boob",
I might get sued.
Me balls ran away,
Oh well. I wasn't jackin' anyway.
Unless it's a "Lite Beer", pimpin' from the low-carb angle. Whoinheck wants low carb beer? Somebody pour me a Guinness.
the beer you eat with a fork
Hmmm I wouldn't mind breeding puppies and draft horses and brewing beer.
*sigh*
just don't mix them up, Ms Tek
Why, this is no thread anymore! Why, it's a.. it's a MUSICAL! Hey, everybody! Let's dance and sing and jump all over the tables!
Food, glorious food --
we're anxious to try it.
Nude, totally nude,
no blogger denies it.
Just picture a great big snake (or a clam)--
Fried, roasted or stewed.
Oh, food,
Wonderful food,
Hopefully not chewed,
Glorious food.
Thanks to little N. Davis of Blog City, ST
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Another strange fascinating post, CW. For me sugar is generally not a happy food, and especially chocolate is among the saddest of foods. Sugar makes me itchy and antsy, and I am allergic to chocolate (chocolate flavoring is okay, but I am very predisposed against it due to the reaction to the real stuff).
I had never heard of the notion of "comfort food" until about 10 or 12 years ago, and then when I heard it, it explained a lot of things and made instant intuitive sense. For me the greatest comfort food is anything that would be traditionally present at Thanksgiving dinner, except cranberry sauce - I hate that shit, although I like the juice.