Blogcritics: Comments on God Hates Shrimp

Comment by Shark

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 11:18:06 EDT

As Saint Ricky Ricardo once said, "Fundamentalist Biblical Literalists, you've got some 'splain' to do!"

Comment by Shark

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 11:16:37 EDT

This has floated around the web for years. I got it from R.A. Wilson's site; thought you might enjoy. ====== ODORS PLEASING TO THE LORD Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific Bible laws and how to follow them: 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality? I don't agree. Can you settle this? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)? I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. === end of Wilson's "letter" ===

Comment by CW Fisher

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 10:26:09 EDT

So Peter has a dream. You remember Peter, Jesus's best friend? Denied Christ three times before the cock crowed? Well, Jesus dies and Peter's bummed. So he goes down to the lake to do a little fishing. Jesus shows up, or a guy sort of like him, says try over there. That's what he said the first time they met. So Peter tries over there. And boom, wouldn't you know it? A net full of fish. So they eat. Then Jesus says, Peter, do you love me? And Peter says, yeah. And Jesus says, Peter, do you love me? And Peter says, you got it, man, through and through. And Jesus says for the third time, Peter, do you love me? Peter breaks down in tears and says, Jesus Christ! How many times have I got to tell you? I love you already! Now things are all patched up between them. Next thing that happens, Peter has a dream. He sees a big blanket descend from the sky, and on it is a banquet of foods the Jews were never allowed to eat before. And he proclaimed it, much as Gorton's might do. He convinced people to eat these ugly things by squeezing lemons in closeup, later perfected by Red Lobster, and went on to invent drawn butter and market prices. Peter might not have been much of an apostle, but the man knew his fish.

Comment by RJ Elliott

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 02:16:38 EDT

"so if i am eating fried shrimp while fucking my boyfriend, will i go to hell twice?" LOL... Naw, just become Catholic and go to Confession afterwards...

Comment by Eric Olsen

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 20:26:23 EDT

that's absurd, just a deeper ring

Comment by jack e. jett

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 20:24:50 EDT

so if i am eating fried shrimp while fucking my boyfriend, will i go to hell twice? jack e jett

Comment by Eric Olsen

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 10:03:22 EDT

So CC, are you ever going to write for us?

Comment by ClubhouseCancer

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 09:52:07 EDT

Nor the absolute prohibition of wearing white after Labor Day �" found in Paul's second letter to the Hamptonites.

Comment by Eric Olsen

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 09:15:56 EDT

Thanks H. Wayne, and I have no problem whatsoever following your logic from divine shellfish prohibition to the purchase of a righteous new Zenith. Would that more of us thought that way.

Comment by Michael Croft

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 09:02:29 EDT

While it's true that some of the rules may be interpreted as codifications of good dietary practices for pre-refrigeration societies (assuming you don't think that God Hates Mudbugs because God Hates Mudbugs), it doesn't explain the rule against poly-cotton blends.

Comment by Bob A. Booey

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 03:01:35 EDT

"Leviticus 11:9-12 says: 9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. 10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: 11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination. 12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you. " Mmmmmm abomination .... This is a good satire of those horrible sites like GodHatesFags (especially since the Bible uses the exact same word - "abomination" - for homosexuality, I believe) but there are lots of things like this in the Old Testament that had to do with dietary restrictions based on food safety and sanitation back then, like the prohibition against eating hooved animals or specific kosher instructions on how to kill an animal for meat. That is all.

Comment by RJ Elliott

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 01:59:05 EDT

ROTFLMFAO!