Depressed, But Thankful
Published June 14, 2004
Depression is a uniquely American invention. It comes from an interesting mathematical equation: being idle + having a shitty life = Depression. And "shitty" — once again — is a relative term. Shitty for us means trouble at home with spouse, money, job, kids, neighbors, cars — things like that. Depression is Worry taken a few steps up the metaphysical ladder. It's a low high, if that makes sense...
Someone who Worries still carries the illusion that Things Matter. They're worried about the outcome, the action they'll take, the decisions to be made. That's good. They still have something riding on the bet that is Living.
The depressed, on the other hand, don't have a stake in ANY outcomes. That's bad. They've lost the illusion that Things Matter. They don't see the winnings, the prize, the handful of nickels — and they don't see the potential loss, the gamble, the fear or the excitement of rolling the dice. They don't even want to be at the table. Hell, they don't even wanna be in town, although the idea of an entire city with no clocks is sort of appealing. (Vegas is the only place on earth where they tell you explicity what your odds are. That alone makes it the most fair, compassionate place on Earth.)
To someone in the throes of Life, Time is an ally. It delineates the moments, defines the difference between Experience and Memories. To a depressed person, Time is merely a prison. A reminder of mortality, of appointments never made, an empty continuum, a flow chart that flows nowhere, an x-y graph with no points plotted. Tick. Tock.
I would take drugs for my depression, but I once heard a doctor say that 95% of his depressed, drug-taking patients didn't really need drugs; they needed to make better decisions about their lives.
Blame the victim. Yah. That's pretty American too. It's part of that "personal responsibiltiy" thing we love so much. We're all Horatio Algers. We're all a dog just waiting for its day. And if you're a lucky dog, you'll have two in a row!
That's meant to cheer you up, my fellow depressed Americans. Especially if you haven't had your day yet. It's just a numbers game, and your number is bound to come up. You have to be patient.
But then I think about a poster that once hung in one of my bosses offices, the guy who liked to read "The Business Strategies of Genghis Khan" and thought firing an employee meant putting them on a stack of burning wood; it was a picture of two buzzards sitting on a dead tree limb. One says to the other,
That's how I feel sometimes.
Then I know I'm getting better.
And best of all, I like to think that when that starving Somalian finally catches a rat after a month of eating locusts, he thinks to himself, "Ahh. Life is Good"
--- and then wonders if we have it so swell in America.
For more, visit the Post-Depression Almanac; misery loves company!
- Depressed, But Thankful
- Published: June 14, 2004
- Type:
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: Shark
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From Ananova.com
Shoppers 'stressed out by supermarket choice'
"Supermarket shoppers are getting stressed because they are being offered too much choice, a survey claims.
The survey says shoppers are suffering from 'product claustrophobia' because they simply cannot choose which product to buy.
And it claims advertising only makes the problem worse, says the Daily Record.
The report, The Explosion of Choice: Tyranny or Freedom?, says too much choice can be oppressive, rather than liberating.
In one supermarket it found 83 different shampoos, 68 shower gels, 42 deodorants, 77 washing powders, and 87 breakfast cereals.
Psychologist Dr Aric Sigman, author of the report, said: "Humans now have to make more decisions in a single day than a caveman did in a lifetime."
Psychologists will name it something cute and pithy like "Purchase Envy" -- and millions will go on medication to reduce it effects.
I remember playing host to a guy from Germany back in the late 70s. I asked him the biggest difference between the US and Germany; he said he couldn't believe that we needed... like.. 30 different brands of toilet paper.
Hmmm. Seems that our "stuff" is just more stuff to worry about.
Nice work Shark.
Had a birthday myself last week and was none too happy about it....As for shopping at the 24-hour supermart, I just buy the cheapest thing, unless it's wine, toilet paper or salsa - and then I just go middle-of-the-road.
Of course, if they are piping in Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful To Me" or Neil Diamond's "Forever In Blue Jeans," well hell, then I'm looking for the nearest Uzi......
I don't want a big reaction to this, but I thought this was actually a good piece. The best writing is introspective and truthful. I couldn't have written something like this.
I diagreee that people who suffer and starve aren't depressed, though. Perhaps it's a different sort of sadness and frustration -- I'd imagine it's more all-consuming and painful. The affluence of the West affords us the opportunity to be depressed based on our expectations for life where the so-called 3rd World is burdened by the precariousness of life itself amidst war, famine, and disease. According to Maslow, one can't feel self-actualized and happy unless one has the basic human needs met first (food, shelter, sex, etc.). Perhaps that's one of the compounding aspects about depression even in the West -- people whose work and family lives are affected by their malaise probably can't even guarantee those basic needs. I'd imagine sex is particularly significant in failing relationships. Divorce is far more common than depression, though, so it's silly for anyone in our country to define themselves by the success or failure of their love relationships. Part of that "free-floating anxiety" is our culture of narcissism that makes us obsess constantly about our looks and our attractiveness and worthiness.
I can't speak on this with any authority or knowledge beyond my reading, but anti-depressants seem to work for a lot of people. Regardless of its genesis, depression has a significant biochemical component and the seratonin levels in the brain are usually altered from "normal" conditions. There's some criticism of seratonin re-uptake inhibitors like Prozac or Zoloft, but they seem to nudge the brain back to better mood levels and allow people to make better choices without the crippling sadness defeating their every choice before they can even make it. If a psychiatrist suggests you should take them, perhaps they'd help. I don't think "you made bad choices in life" is good clinical advice; sounds a lot like that "blaming the victim" business to me. I'm guessing that advice was from an internist or family physician who doesn't specialize in mental health.
I should add that the fact that you write proves you have a will to live and communicate. I won't recycle that quote from the literary critic Wayne Booth I used on some other topic, but writing is evidence of a hope to connect with other people. As long as you have something to say, Things Matter and you're making critical choices, whether you realize it or not.
Being a father also means you have a connection to life, whether you are happy with your own or not -- you have a profound effect on people whose lives you can, more than anyone else, influence for the better. Responsibility gives most people meaning, and that's more responsibility than most people can even handle. That's something to be proud of.
Shave the goatee, though, Sharky poo. I mean seriously :) I'm just saying. Goatees weren't even cool a decade ago. That grooming advice goes for the rest of you boys too (and to Sandra Smallson and BHW, who might have better shaving tips than I).
I like the Vegas comment.
That Wayne Dyer guy seems like a quack to me. I hope no one buys his damn book off that link. Buy the Beethoven and Buddha instead, people.
That is all.
cool shark.
happy b day.
age is a freaky thang and you put it in perspective in a most funkified way.
jack
Very good writing Sharky but I sure hope you're not really that down. (brief pause for propriety's sake, now i will talk about myself)
I actually used to worry more about age when I was younger. Now I'm kind of right in the middle and I can't pretend I'm young anymore (45) although I usually feel pretty young. the things that cheer me up most are, as Bob mentioned, my family relationships, getting things done (surely writing something is that), and exercise. I feel really good when Ihave beaten the hell out of myself and survived once again.
And there is a chemical in between - if you haven't tried St. John's Wort yet, it's a nice little mood lifter with no side effects I can find and is much milder than the REAL antidepressants. I have definitely found my outlook to be more positive much more of the time (most of the time, really, pretty nice) since I started popping those babies. Highly recommended to anyone prone to moodiness.
Another thing, I know it's a persona, but maybe being The Shark puts some negative pressure on your personality you just don't need - you could be just occasionally vicious, like I am.
Shave the goatee,
Actually, boys, keep the hair on the chin, shave the 'nads. Then we'll suck on 'em like lifesavers.
Don't listen that old, sexless, hairy goat.
None of these boys even have an idea what grooming downstairs means. Give it up, BHW. You try too hard. I guarantee NONE of these old farts has ever trimmed downstairs even once in their many years. Nerds don't groom and they'd have too hard a time getting through the jungle. Body hair is disgusting. So's your facial hair, BHW.
Goatees are for dorks. Any woman or gay man who's not a lamoid like BHW will tell you as much. Goatees are for insecure guys with little manhood.
That is all.
Goatees can be sexy cool, or not. Depends on the face and the goatee.
Booey: "...Goatees are for dorks. Goatees are for insecure guys with little manhood."
And hasty generalizations about people's looks are...
...for arrogant, pretentious pricks.
~bada-bing!
Thanks to all who enjoyed the piece.
And no, I'm not really THAT down.
I'm a writer. I throw a dart and hit the keyboard.
On a more serious note, I might add that my only recommendations for anti-depression therapy are the last three on my list:
Ode to Joy,
Louis Armstrong,
and Pollyanna.
everyman over 40 should shave his balls, keep his pubic hair trimed and keep his eyebrows from looking like andy rooney.
the problem is that as the gut becomes bigger the first two task become dangerous to do alone.
i just don't want to look like bob marley down there.
jack
Men should shave the pubes off, the armpits and the leg hair.
Shave the pubes, you are more likey to get you ding dang sucked.
then we would all look like Olympic swimmers and body builders - or at least our skin would
Thanks to all who elevated my entry from a trite personal confessional about depression to a profound, all-too-honest but helpful primer on body hair.
Really, luv ya -- mean it!
PS: email me for special jpg of my infamous goatee! One PayPal contribution to BC required.
"I would take drugs for my depression, but I once heard a doctor say that 95% of his depressed, drug-taking patients didn't really need drugs; they needed to make better decisions about their lives."
Absolutely not. You should see a psychiatrist, and if he agrees, get the meds. They work. Depression is mostly chemical, and easily treated.
Mike, probably good advice for the true depressive, but see comment #13'
ie. I ain't one.
(I only play one on TV.)
"ie. I ain't one."
Very often, it's hard to recognize the symptoms in yourself. The medications are proving increasingly effective for all sorts of people: if properly prescribed under the supervision of a psychiatrist, as opposed to regular old doctor. p
I completely missed this post. Sorry, Shark, about the birfday, I mean. I have one tomorrow. You're going to think I'm trying to be like you, but it's true.
Last week, I shaved my goatee.
I am hairless as a fish but I shave myself smooth all over. This is for sexual reasons as described so vividly by the lovely Ms. Tek and love-kitten bhw.
My wife and I once considered opening a shop called "QuimTrim," an on-campus pussy-shaving service. She changed my mind.
I've never met a writer who wasn't either depressed and obsessing about it or depressed and denying it.
Meds work, wort works, exercise works, therapy works, art works, writing works, but nothing works alone.
"I'm a writer. I throw a dart and hit the keyboard." --Shark
By the way, if you think depression is as funny as I do, you should check out an this blog: "The Post-Depressionist Almanac." http://depressionalmanac.blogspot.com/
Curt, there was a short story called "The Depressed Person," by David Foster Wallace, in Harpers a few years ago. It caught a lot of flack from readers because it portrayed the depressed person as a sniveling, self-centered weasel oblivious to everyone else's problems. You must read this story. It is hilarious. I've located a full reprint online.
I've been reading Harper's forever, and that controversy was one of the top five or so over the years. Ironically, many of the letters from depressed persons were so abusive they added support to the alleged 'unfair portrayal,' instead of mitigating it.
On the bright side, the protagonist has not made a practice of trying to reverse the civil rights movement singelehandedly by abusing a gitted person of color at Blogcritics. The character is almost nice, compared to the originator of this thread.
Joe, "GITTED" is an adjective describing someone who thinks they're gifted, tells people they're gifted, has two blogs that constantly refer back to the other's 'gifted' aspects, and who isn't the least bit gifted, talented, original, or creative.
Oh, and did I mention:
I shot Martin Luther King, too.
I thought it might be that, but from the context I thought it might be an adjective describing someone audacious/pretentious/delusional enough to try to forward the idea that an adversarial relationship with them equates to "trying to reverse the civil rights movement singelehandedly."
Additionally, do you lose points for giftedness if you have to constantly remind people of how gifted you are?
No, Joe. But you will never need to use the word gifted in regard to yourself at all. 'Small' sums up pretty much everything about you.
Shark, continue displaying your symptoms. An abusive, lying, admitted depressive is someone so-o-o-o deserving of people's sympathy.
Alas, modesty prohibits me from such acts of self-reverence.
Oh, and another thing, try as you may, you're not going to trick me into sending you a picture of my wang. You little minx, you.
I say flood the drinking supply with Prozac. It'll make the world a better place.
didn't the Merry Pranksters do that? Or was it the American Dental Association?
Ah, the Merry Pranksters. There is a great piece about Ken Kesey by Robert Stone in the Summer Fiction edition of The New Yorker. Read it yesterday. It focuses on the period of the bus trip to the World's Fair and the drug bust that sent the Kesey entourage, including Stone, to Mexico. That was in the early to mid 1960s. About the time Shark was attending rallies against desegregation, one suspects.
other than the personal antagonism that began immediately, I find the MD/Shark feud odd and ironic due to the fact that they seem to agree politically at least 80%
"...About the time Shark was attending rallies against desegregation, one suspects.
As usual, you're wrong. (Just ask the FBI.)
I was marching for civil rights and against Nam, but don't let reality get in the way of your delusions.
Eric - re. similar politics - it's true, except that her emphasis on race over all else (especially the more important 'class') puts her awfully close to the category of Liberal Facist.
The irony is that with her level of intolerance (in the name of tolerance, btw!) -- in another era, and perhaps another color skin, she'd probably be a violent reactionary marching people into 'de-lousing' chambers for 'their own good'.
Her monomania is dangerous.
But entertaining!












Using "The Americans are depressed for no good reason" notion does make some sense. You can also derive two things from it... maybe not derive, but heres what i think.
Living in America, we live with the idea that we always have to be DOING SOMETHING .. if we are relaxing on our sofa or on our porch, we are still depressed, because we feel that we have not accomplished enough, either in the day, the week or our life. Many of us feel that because we have not accomplished what we want to, we do not have the right to relax anxiety-free.