Anyhow, Sadako isn't a little girl any more either. She's this grown up lingerie model who still crawls out of the telly on occasion, but instead of jerky-limbing about the living room, she just gets down to some soft-focus sexing with the viewer, which sounds like a fine night in to me. But trust these professional types to complain. I want my porn VIRTUAL, they holler, it's time we killed this trans-media hussy.

But it turns out Sadako wants to rule the world, and that bloke that died with the paper in his guts, he thinks it's a pretty swell idea. So they go about cloning the cells of the doctor bloke's dead son and then using Sadako's woman bits to recreate the child "at exactly the age he was when he died."

Around this bit I was almost starting to forget about Jodie Foster.

Also, they're gonna publish those journals so that everyone who reads them dies on account of this daft fucking virus that definitely isn't smallpox.

What a load of shit, you might be thinking. And you would be absolutely right. This is utter crud, dangling from the rancid arse-hairs of some gargantuan toss-stained rectum.

After this was released, Hideo Nakata, what made The Ringu, went ahead and made The Ringu 2, and even though it was also ridiculous horseshit, it at least had the decency to do away with the soft-focus sexing and the lingerie-model and the smallpox. And everyone forgot about The One What Was So Shit They Went Ahead And Pretended It Never Existed.

The Spiral is easily the worst film I have saw in the last five years, and in that time I have saw not only Swimfan, but also other stuff which was equally crap, stuff like Unfaithful or Eddie Murphy On The Moon, and this is still the biggest hunk of shitcake of the lot. In fact, it is even worse than The Ringu 0, which went back in time via some fucked-up nostalgia machine of some kind, to show Sadako at ballet-school and then John Travolta throws a bucket of pigs blood at her.

And I paid twenty quid for this cack. What in the hell is going on with the world when Jesus has returned with Braveheart in tow and we're still paying twenty quid for such moronic gibberish.

The Duke resides at Mondo Irlando

Drop The Duke A Line Via Cursed Email