Anyway, she wouldn't go, on account of she was scared there would be thousands of folks waiting outside to insult her.

There wasn't, of course. As there hadn't been an official nomination, and no viewer votes or anything, the space outside was populated simply by a few members of the press, a few bodyguard types, some camera folks, and Davina, the ever-lovely presenter.

So Kitten hid in a room, with the other housemates, and refused to leave.

What happened was that the £100,000 prize money was deducted by a grand for every minute she stayed in there. She eventually left, with the money down to a hardly-insignificant £91,000.

She kissed her girlfriend, she flicked the fingers to the press, yacking about "fuck The Queen and the aristocracy", and then, after the break, she sat down for Davina with a chat.

I felt really, really emotional during it all, to be brutally fucking honest.

Kitten is such a really nice person, just a little hyperactive, and I didn't want to see her get ripped apart by Davina, who obviously didn't like her. Davina, however, quickly realised that Kitten was a wonderful lass. It was beautiful, watching the two of them chat, Davina warming to her, and obviously surprised by it all, and Kitten reflecting on her time in the public eye. Before she went in, Kitten said she wanted most of all to be a good representation of a woman, and a good representation of a lesbian. Davina asks her if she thinks she accomplished this.

"No. Not at all. I acted like an idiot."

It's a moment of piercing humanity in a programme I had once written-off as exploitative, cynical, vacuous garbage not fit for the rancid dung of a dying goat. It appears I was wrong.

Now, lets see how Stuart has been treating Michelle after that bout of sexing in the early hours!

Same time next week, friends.

The Duke resides at Mondo Irlando

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