In a speech Monday night at the Military War College in Pennsylvania, President Bush laid out his vision for the future of a troubled Iraq. He listed five major steps he'll take in order to restore order and give full sovereignty to the Iraqi people, but his most surprising announcement regarded the method for picking the future President of Iraq.

President Bush — accompanied by a scowling Simon Cowell — said that a new Iraqi leader will be chosen in a televised contest beginning in mid-June. The contest will be what the President called "a combination of Miss America and American Idol", although in a rare moment of premeditated diplomacy, Bush added that the contest will operate under the official title of "Mr. Iraqi Idol".

After the speech, a White House press release contained details of Bush's revolutionary new plan for democracy in Iraq. According to the memo, the contestants "...will each sing a tired, has-been American pop tune, to be followed by a short speech entitled 'Why I want to Be President of Iraq' — and climaxing with a walk down the runway at Baghdad Airport wearing a camo one-piece swimsuit and the newest design in sexy black cloth headgear."

Originally, according to the report, there were seven contestants, but four of them have either been assasinated or arrested by coalition forces for various reasons, including kidnapping, spying, torture, money laundering, and sharing national secrets with a foreign power.

The fifth contestant to "drop out" — Ahmed Chalabi — had spent the last few weeks in the Green Zone rehearsing his version of Dire Straights' 1980s hit "Money For Nothin'". Chalabi, through his spokesman Vice President Dick Cheney, said he was highly disappointed when most of his backup band were arrested in a recent sweep by Iraqi police forces accompanied by American soldiers. Without his band, "The Henchmen", Cheney said Chalabi decided to drop out of the competition and wait to see if the series will be renewed in the fall — or after the fall, whichever comes first.

The final two contestants, Ayatollah Ali Sistani and Moqtada Sadr, are experienced amateurs, well known to local fans for their extremely popular, rabble-rousing Friday afternoon performances at their respective Mosques.

Their styles differ considerably — Sistani being a more conservative performer, sticking to the traditional, heartfelt, but conciliatory and cooperative fashion American audiences appreciate most — while Moqtada appeals to a younger, hipper, more radical audience. His pronouncements have been called "Arab Hip-Hop" and "Funky Jihad", but despite his graphic descriptions of bustin' caps in U.S. soldiers and innocent civilians, he has captured the hearts and minds of the younger Iraqi audience.

Voting for the new Iraqi leader will begin late June 30th, with tallies to be announced by FOX TV early July 1. The voting will be by telephone.

This morning, Paul Bremer told reporters he hopes to avoid the voting controversies and inconsistencies that haunted the most recent version of FOX's American Idol.

"Fantasia had better win," Bremer added as an afterthought, "...and if she doesn't — just what the hell are we fighting for? Democracy will suffer and the terrorists will have won."