As a proud and dedicated Duck Activist, I must admit that Fox Network's new reality television show, "The Swan," initially ruffled my feathers, so to speak. For decades, we Duck Activists have been trying to convince the world not to discriminate against us. Our history is long, and our struggle for equality has been a tough one. I realize that many people in this world may judge the contestants on this show. Therefore, in order to prepare you for Monday night's pageant finale, I must give you an account of our fight for justice. But I do this not only for the ducks, but for our beloved swan friends as well.
1844: Hans Christian Andersen was a tall and effeminate man. He was ostracized by his human society for being a little "different." In those days, the term "queer" was used to describe someone "different." In a fit of self-loathing homosexual rage, Hans ran out behind his Danish cottage and ran out to the pond to drown himself (drama queen). But when he got to the edge of the water, he noticed a cute little duck paddling along the shoreline. "Quack-Quack-Quack," the duck yapped with glee.

You see, ducks were happy back in those days...

Hans thought the animal was ugly. After all, it waddled when it walked and it made an obnoxious quacking noise all the live long day. On top of it all, it was shaped weird. Hans thought to himself, "why does such an ugly little creature get to have all the fun while I suffer in shame." So, he snatched the little duckling from the water and displaced his own anger upon the happy little creature. He tried to drown it but realized that he was being just as evil as his the fundamentalist whackos. He then plucked the largest feather from the little duck's behind and mercifully tossed it aside. He ran into his cottage, jammed the feather into the ink jar on his desk, and feverishly started to compose a story to express his anger to the world.

The resulting piece of work was titled, "The Little Ugly Duckling." Although Mr. Christian Andersen's story appeared to be a story of triumph and personal achievement, many ducks were offended by his work. They felt alienated and victimized by his message because it seemed to carry an underlying message. They felt as if they had to be beautiful like a swan in order to overcome their ugly little strife. To them, they wondered why the duckling could not have grown up to be a big ugly duck and still find happiness.