Wednesday, April 12, 2004
(Rotters News Service)

On Wednesday, the recording industry sued another computer user for illegally sharing music across the Internet, but among the indie loving college students, grandmothers hip to Enya and Elton, and the horde of twelve-year-old Britney fans that have been sued by a terror-stricken industry, the latest music downloading fanatic to feel the long arm of copyright law is unique — to say the least.

For over a decade, he's eluded the CIA, FBI, MI-5, Interpol, and the entire U.S. Military, but today, Osama bin Laden — leader of the international terrorist group Al Qaeda   — felt the sting of an even more efficient and bloodthirsty organization: RIAA, the Recording Industry Association of America.

Their investigators tracked a large number of music downloads to an Internet protocol address based somewhere in the Middle East. Further investigations pinpointed an old IMAC in a cave near the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan, where bin Laden has been 'holed-up' since late 2001 when the U.S. invaded his Taliban stronghold.

Al Qaeda officials told Al Jazeera News that — due to various circumstances — Osama bin Laden has been alone, isolated, and unable to leave his current residence, so it's understood that a little music might serve to brighten up his dull and dreary life.

"He wasn't selling the music to anyone else," an Al Qeada spokeman said, "he wasn't profiting from it; he was just sampling various songs to find out if he would buy the CD once he had access. Our fearless leader doesn't see downloading music as a crime, but a chance for unknown or underplayed musical artists to have their music heard by people who might later make a purchase. This is yet another western imperialist injustice!"

The spokesman admitted that bin Laden favored classic rock artists, especially from the 1960s, but justified those downloads by pointing out that bin Laden had originally purchased the recordings on vinyl, 8-track, cassette, and later, even some CD master tape remixes.

"Osama told me," the Al Qaeda spokeman added, "that in some cases — due to changes in technology — he had spent a small fortune on the same album over and over again. It was crazy! He said it added to his violent thoughts against the West, and I would imagine that this latest injustice by the RIAA will only mean more dead Americans in the future."

The Al Qeada spokesman said that bin Laden's favorite band was the Doors, since he's downloaded over fifteen different versions of "Five To One" — including a number of live versions and some unreleased studio takes that were never used.