This, however, is no longer the case. A quick browse through the many chat rooms on the web revealed a meeting ground for members of IRAOFG, Irish Republicans Against Outlandish Facial Growth. One member, HotBoobies99, agreed to meet us in private. Making sure we were shaved accordingly, we met with the terrorist at a well-known café. In pursuit of anonymity, he appeared to us in the form of a 15-year-old male. "It's like, they all got these, like, beards, and it's like, so evil. Ireland can only be free when the faces of our patrons are free. Free from beards, goatees, and even humorously shaven sideburns."

Mere terrorism and gopher molestation are, at present, no concern for the FBI, who have turned their attention towards the illegal transferring of pastry over a secure network. "The illegal transferring of pastry over a secure network is costing this economy at least $67,000,000 per annum. The simple fact is that pastry retailers, foodstuff suppliers, and the actual chefs themselves, are losing out. At the start, the computers only had the capacity to transfer a few crumbs. Then, as the modems grew quicker, more powerful, small buns were transferred. However, with the advent of Broadband technology, entire cakes can be accessed in a matter of seconds." I asked Gordon Gates, chief executive of Internet mischief in the CIA, exactly how worrying this situation is? "Very worrying." Should we be as worried about this, as we might be should our children be kidnapped by known rapists? "Definitely. More so, even."

The biggest fear for many citizens is the availability of these wretched globs of sodomy to pre-teens. "My biggest fear", says a father of two, both of them his, "is that my children might access something I do not want them to see." Perhaps they might innocently wonder towards www.candyland.com, which offers visitors the opportunity to view images of Asian gentlemen being smothered by pillowcases filled with piranha. In some cases, these can even be downloaded as video files, complete with audio. "The sound of the face being torn apart", says one Member of Parliament, "Is especially offensive."

The first known case of Internet Crime occurred in January of 1987, when one intrepid, opportunistic hacker rearranged the letters in Haste Fice, the name of the Swedish President, so that it now spelled Shite Face. Following this, a group of disgruntled civil servants hacked into the home page of British Home Supplies, leaving the following message. "I want to tickle your eyeball." Countless attacks followed.

The most recent crime was committed by the still-at-large felon who transferred the takings for the previous fiscal year from Shell Oil to his own bedroom, in pound coins. He then emailed the money to various offshore bank accounts. MI5 have yet to close the case. "We know it was a male, aged 34, going by the name of Harold Kline, and that he resides at 13 Hollycourt Road, London. But, I mean, it's like a needle in a haystack."