Some of y'all may know that The Duke has a slab of web-net by the name of Mondo Irlando. What I plan to do shortly is to throw on a load of stuff that was at one point going to become the short story collection Tales Of Rural Villainy. I have decided simply to put the best of these (of which there are very, very few) on the site that folks might be able to ignore them for free. This here is one of the pieces, what is all to do with the "satire" and mixes the fictitcion with the reality and such.

If y'all like this here, The Duke would be very grateful if y'all might leave a comment.

A Contemporary Analysis Of Online Crime

The United States government have just this week issued a stunning report, culled from thousands of anonymous sources, which details how exactly 92% of crimes committed in the USA last year, involved the Internet in some fashion. Perhaps the time for government legislation concerning the World Wide Web has finally arrived, like some glorious summer dawn.

It is not, contrary to some reports, difficult to obtain or view illegal content on the Internet. Web sites such as www.illegalstuff.com thrive on the very availability of these materials. Internet search provider Google have revealed that of the top 10 searches entered by visitors in the last six months, two-thirds were for photographs of men being assaulted by gophers for sexual satisfaction. Indeed, the worlds leading gopher molestation expert, Kevin McBride, is convinced that the practice only really took off after the usage of the net skyrocketed. "This practice only really took off", McBride elaborates, "after the usage of the net skyrocketed." He goes on to explain this controversial statement. "Previously, people with gopher-molestation fantasies would have to make do with children or the elderly. Nowadays, gophers can actually be shipped to your house by certain organisations, for the sole purpose of teasing ones flesh towards orgasm. One site in particular actually specialises in breeding gophers for the sole purpose of bathing themselves suggestively."

We contacted one such agency, located at www.gophersforsex.com, who agreed to send us a fresh batch of the rodents on receipt of our credit card details. In the purposes of investigative journalism, and for no other reason, we ordered one box of gophers, which arrived within 28 hours of our order being placed. Tragically, the gophers were dead on arrival. We did, however, in the pursuit of factual understanding of the sordid practice, jolt the creatures with electric charges for up to an hour, whilst, in a truly platonic fashion, pleasuring ourselves with cold yoghurts. However, it was to no avail.

But the fondling of deceased gophers is but a drop in the ocean of filth and degradation. Leading expert in the field, Ben Jones, explains; "With the advent of widespread Internet accessibility, we witness the decline of moral fabric in the common man. Some, it can be argued, may still have some threads from the fabric located in their knees, but many have no material at all. Terrorists have been slow to latch onto the possibilities this creates, thinking it to be a fad like shaving ones entire head except for the fringe, or wearing outlandish trousers."