American Idol Devours Another Victim (Chapter 13)
Published April 29, 2004
American Idol Devours Another Victim
Chapter 13: Little Red Riding Opie
Once upon a time, there lived a little wannabe crooner with red hair. His name was John Stevens, but the locals in the Village of Mayberry always called him "Little Red Riding Opie." He sang so bad that everyone in America started to develop poor taste in music. They rode along for a lyrical ride that always ended up in the middle of nowhere. Psychologists often refer to this as classical conditioning, but I shall refer to it as brain damage. Either way, the tale is a Grimm one indeed.
One day, Opie's mommy sent him to the American Idol tryouts. She had given him the same ancient secret that had turned the Pied Piper into a great success - the gift of disillusionment. She sent the young lad off to Hollywood and asked for him to sing a song for his grandmother. Opie slipped on the dinner jacket he bought at K-Mart and waltzed onto the stage to sing "the music of his heart" - all for his sweet little grandma. GAG ME WITH A PITCHFORK!
Meanwhile, the big bad wolf (a.k.a. Ryan Seacrest) leaped out from behind the curtain and frightened Little Red Riding Opie. He wanted to eliminate Opie from the show right then and there, but knew that all of America was watching. So, he handed Opie the sheet music (you see, he sometimes forgets the words) and sent him out to sing for grandma. The wolf then told Opie that he would do just fine and that he would do America proud. If it weren't for the cameras, the wolf would have devoured him before giving him a chance to perform. WHEW!
The night came to a close. All of America nestled themselves fast asleep as sugarplums danced in their little heads. However, due to mass exposure to a highly overexposed Latin cabaret band, The Raging Critic threw up some porridge and lost many hours of sleep.
Alas, we now come to part two of this fateful tale tonight - the fairy tale ending!
The show starts off on a peculiar note. The dramatic announcer sounds a little different. The big bad wolf then appears onstage and tells us that America broke the record again. He reassures us that the show has not lost any ground in the wake of the devastating show last week. 28 million calls were made. Then again, who would know for sure, we have not heard word from Ernst & Young have we?????? In a flash, the American Idol tour info zips past my face. I did not catch the whole thing, but I think it said, "bend over" somewhere in the message. OOOOH - SOUNDS KINKY!
The wolf then introduced our panel of esteemed judges. Randy is decked out in a bland 70's-print shirt. Paula's boobies look candy-striped in her funky little get-up. And Simon is wearing - YOU GUESSED IT - black! Wolfie then tells us that the contestants blew the roof off the place last night. Ummmmm, yeah, because it was sooooooooooooooooooo poopy last night that all the steam forced the ceiling to give way. P-U! But before the viewing public even had a chance to relive the nightmare, the scary sequel unfolded right before our very eyes - - The Big Group Number! YEHAAAAAAAAAAW!
- American Idol Devours Another Victim (Chapter 13)
- Published: April 29, 2004
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- Section: Video
- Filed Under: Music: Pop, Video: Music, Video: Television
- Writer: The Raging Critic
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Comments on this articleComments
4 million Americans are brain damaged!????
Talk about an understatement.
I'll give Opie this: He is darned cute and very mature for his years.
Maybe you're the one who made the threats against John Stevens!
if jon stevens and jasmine will go, the AI show would be boring to watch.... i will just be watching girls of the same color with the same genre...whitney houston wannabes. If they win so what?
how about fantasia george and la toya sing their guts out and outdo each other
but in between show footages of jpl, jon, jasmine, amy, lea, matthew....
UGH! What an utter shame it is to read the above post.
The show is boring without Jon Stevens????????? WOW - how ironic?!
First of all, Whitney is a crack-ho. Wait, nevermind, she said, "crack is whack" in her Diane Sawyer interview. So, maybe she is strung out on cocaine or crystal meth. Either way, she is a total mess. Hopefully, rehab can bring her back. I don't think anyone wants to be her right now, except perhaps, Robert Downey, Jr.
But back to the sistahs in the American Idol competition.
I hear so many people refer to Fantasia and LaToya as "Whitney wannabes" that it really makes me sick to my stomach. What is it about these girls that make them "like Whitney." After listening to them sing for almost 4 months, I can assure you, NEITHER singer is like Whitney.
LaToya would be the closest thing to being a "Whitney wannabe." However, she has a subtle tone to her voice. The only similarities she has to Whitney are (1) she is gorgeous, and (2) she is black. But she has more of a Mary J. Blige aura to her. Nevertheless, she is not Mary either - she is LaToya London - your next American Idol.
Fantasia is the furthest thing to being a "Whitney wannabe" you could ever find. She is gritty. She is spunky, and he has enormous lips (which she is quite proud of thank you). To call Fantasia a Whitney wannabe is a farce. The only similarity she has to Whitney is that she is black - nothing more and nothing less. People compare her to Macy Gray. But in all honesty, she is a zillion times better than Macy (minnus that horrible Gloria Estefan perforance).
When people hear comments like the one illustrated above, it is evident that racism exists. No - I am not talking about the kind of racism where a bunch of white folks run to Target and buy a bunch of white sheets, lumber, and gasoline. I am talking about merely taking notice of one's color and objectifying them for it. I admit that racism is racism is racism, but the reflections shine through in various degrees.
Had the people all been white, the comments above would have never been made. And the last sentence reflects this quite effectively. By conceding that the best singers remaining are black (i.e. LaToya, Fantasia, and George), but suggesting that the show would not be any good without throwing in a few clips of all of the non-black singers is not only an insult to black folks, but it is an insult to the integrity of the show. I also noticed that Jennifer Hudson's name was omitted from that list. I cannot help but wonder, "why?"
Although I am admittedly a LaToya fan, Jennifer Hudson was the best vocalist in the competition - and she waxed Whitney Houston's ass by singing her songs. Just ask Quentin Tarrantino. She is certainly more gospelized than Whitney. In fact, you could say that she is similar to Sissy Houston (Whitney's mom). But Jennifer Hudson, is amazing.
I am as white as can be, but I see no color in this world. I shook those demons long ago. It's a pity that others in America cannot.
Yes RC, it is too bad. I'm not sure if it's plain racism or just narrow taste that causes such statements, I hope it's the latter, but the result is to say all black singers are the same, which is beyond absurd: Charley Pride, Jimi Hendrix, and Luther Vandross are nearly identical.
Great job as always.
"I am as white as can be, but I see no color in this world. I shook those demons long ago. It's a pity that others in America cannot." - The Raging Critic
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Open your eyes Critic, and the color you will see! Talk about a "holier than thou" attitude, you've got it pal. Unless you are existing in a vacuum I can't imagine that this "color-blind" scenario holds water. A certain amount of racism is an inherent part of human nature and to claim that you've "shaken it" defys logic, unless you also claim to be the second coming. Can the rhetoric and come down to earth with the rest of us. Amen.
"A certain amount of racism is an inherent part of human nature"
That's bullshit, purely and simply.
<<<
I would like to clarify something.
Firstly, I do not have a "holier than thou" attitude. I grew up in a family with Klan members. Luckily, God made me a loathesome homo and I conquered racism around the same time I conquered my own internalized homophobia.
What an insult for someone to dismiss my clear-thinking intentions by calling me "holier than thou." I didn't say I wasn't perfect, I just said I wasn't racist.
Since this is a forum, the only way we can be judged in this electronic community is by the keystrokes that cement themselves in front of our eyes. I have never given any indication of being a racist (not even to the most remote degree).
Living in a vaccuum????? HA! The vaccuum is the other side. I am fully aware of racism in today's culture. However, it still saddens me. Those who live in vaccum's either deny the existence of racism and treat it with an apathetic temperment, while others deny their own. I can assure you, I am neither.
I AM THE RAGING CRITIC - AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!
Well, I approve the message, but not the typos I just noticed.
Beautee: .......jpl, jon, jasmine, amy, lea, matthew....
Sandra: ...and you wouldn't be bored with watching the above people of the same colour? Go sell crazy someplace else, we are all booked up here.
Having watched it today, I am glad to see JS go. However, it was interesting to note that this time when they were expected to perform AS WELL AS sing..they were all bad. LOL. Even the power houses such as Latoya and Fantasia were bad. Diana tried her best but you could almost hear her gasping for air:)
Now, perhaps they'll see how difficult it is for Britney. It's okay to stand in one spot and belt out. Britters at 11 seemed to be belting out some musical slush in the MM club vid they show repeatedly on VH1...BUT, when you have the sort of choreography that gal has, no jupiter can sing live all the time with that much work. So for those times when the poor lass sings live and still dances her ass off, and all she gets is non-entitities like Monica saying Britney can't sing? You tell the "singer" Monica to dance a mile in Britney's shoes and sing, let's see how she sounds. It is not easy to sing live and perform at the same time and I am very impressed with full packages like Britney than with any vocal power house who might as well be a statue while we listen. That's what I have my portable music devices for.
On local interviews, Diana complained more than once about the lack of sleep. The concern being that the relentless pace would affect her performance.
..and she's not even a popstar yet..LOL. Has she been misled that being a popstar is easy bcos of the lack of respect they get? She should think again. If she has a problem with the pace of AI at this young age, she better quit now. If she ever gets the opportunity to perform to sold out stadiums or arenas, 5 days in a row in different countries for a 3 month span she'll be hospitalised indefinitely.
The Raging Critic has far too much time on his hands, far too much hatred in his heart and far too much ego in his head. Get a life and do some good in the world.
LOL at the post directly above. It might as well read, "George Jefferson is no fair - he is short with no hair!"
PUHLEEEEZE!
I am the one who advocates against racism. I am the one who begs my readers to vote for contestants solely on talent. However, I am somehow the hateful person?????
If people cannot take the criticism, then they should never subject themselves to the Amrerican Idol enigma. It is the very essence of the show. I simply choose to chime in as if I am the phantom judge.
My writing (as The Raging Critic) is a satirical approach to the ignorant ways of a "JUDGING AMERICA." Most of the comments that you read are nothing more than a satirical way of exemplifying bigotry, intolerance, and hatred. I realize that my words are often misinterpreted, but hey, isn't everything?
Why do you think hundreds of people are dying all over the world each day? It is because we have interpreted a Book and a belief system to the point where most of the world has lost the absolute answer - whatever that may be. Therefore, we are all products of bastardized thought patterns. So, as far as I am concerned, if you don't get my point- well, that is too bad sistah! We lost touch with homogeny a thousands of years ago. I, for one, am not going to try to patch up that mess.
If my words are ever perceived as being hateful - well - then my writing was not meant for that particular audience. But for the readers in America who are insightful enough to comprehend my ideas - well - I suppose my writing is for that audience. May we all be blessed enough to think alike forever!!!!!!!!!!!
It is most insulting to be accused of having "too much time on my hands" (especially when the accuser knows NOTHING about my day to day activities). I work 50-60 hectic hours a week. Most people consider my job as being one of the most intellectually challenging careers in America. The persona of a raging critic is merely a peek into one side of me - nothing more, and nothing less.
SO PEEK-A-BOO HONEY!
To me, creative writing is my escape from reality. I spend hours each day structuring sentences while making the most persuasive argument possible. However, when I feel like unwinding, I write from another part of myself. I make no apologies for my beliefs and I certainly do not adhere to any rules while typing them for the whole world to read - - - - no punctuation rules - - no grammah rules - - - and certainly no rules on sentence structure. My writing is MY CONVERSATION with a blank screen.
Thank GOODNESS for the concept of BLOGGING!
As a viewer, I am solicited to cast a telephone vote (or twenty) based on vocal performances for the American Idol Megashow. When I write, I call things as I see them. Every once in a while, I will see a "singer" (insert rabbit ear quotation hand gestures here) seep through the cracks because I personally feel that he or she has been allowed into this competition in order to keep a wide variety of viewers interested. Despite having zero vocal talent, many contestants still manage to grab votes from people who vote for personality, color of skin, appearance, weight, and everything else OTHER than vocal ability. When I see this conceptual turd festering within the bowels of my nation, it makes me become critical. And as an American, I am entitled to express whatever opinion I have about the show (at least until the Patriot Act grants my government the right to invade my house while subsequently dubbing me as a terrorist and then denying me access to the judicial system).
So while a few blind readers in this world may view my writing as an utter waste of my OWN time, I must occasionally remind these stray souls of one significant factor......... MY WRITING IS FOR ME AND ME ONLY.
SHOULD the reader ever interpret my work as being insulting or enlightening, inciteful or chilling, ignorant or wise, OR sane or insane - is certainly not my problem nor is it my victory. Instead, it is merely MY point of view. Whether one chooses to subscribe to it is entirely one's own decision.
So at the end of the day if any particular person does not approve of MY message, I have one piece of sound advice which should make that individual's day a whole lot easier...
WIPE AWAY THE TEARS AND DIVERT YOUR CLOUDY EYES!
I am The Raging Critic - and I certainly DO approve this message.
Either La Toya or Fantasia or George will win so what??? Is there excitement in watching AI until one among the three will be declared the winner? Time to switch to other channels. Why not try this formula: La Toya or fantasia vs Jasmine or Diana. The diva vs the pop idol. It will be a more exciting game and AI show rating will be maintained.
I'm amazed at how these racist people spontaneously react at the slightest cue they get from my previous comments about the show. They accused those comments as implicating racism. They made a very big deal out of it and wrote tons of essays about racism. I was just freely expressing what I feel now about the show and this critic is making a big serious issue about it. Your mind is so malicious, judgemental, and negative. You hate others' opinion just like you hate yoursel.
For me, AI Season3 is already over.
The winners are Fantasia or La Toya. They're the best when it comes to singing.But they're not cute. Personality wise, the others are cute like JPL,Jon, Camille, Jazmine,Lea.(and they can sing a little)
In re: post directly above:
REMINDER: This post spawned this entire debate: "if jon stevens and jasmine will go, the AI show would be boring to watch.... i will just be watching girls of the same color with the same genre...whitney houston wannabes."
Reminder about American Idol: This show winds down to only one remaining contestant. If black people bore you(excuse me, I suppose it isn't the color of the skin, it's JUST the genre to which they belong - LAUGH) then feel free to turn the channel.
Gimme a break here. I loathe country music, but if Amy Adams would have been able to sing country every night, I would have voted her every night. Get out of "genre mode" and listen to the voices. These kids are vying for a lucrative record deal, not the lead role in Mister Rogers Neighborhood.
If you think I am malicious, turn on the local Fox news station in Miami. Go read the articles about the show online. Go read Entertainment Weekly. And by the way, do you even listen to Simon Cowell????? Critics are supposed to be aggressive in tone - otherwise they would be Paula Abdul clones. Talk about BORING!
I encourage everyone to give their own take on the show. Just don't objectify people simply because they are black or white.
To those who think I am hateful, let's ask this: Did you think All In The Family was a show about hate? If your answer is yes, then I'm sorry you didn't get it.
La Toya and Fantasia are black and so am I. I prefer fellow black Ruben Studdard better than these blacks in AI3. In AI3 I like JPL, Jon Stevens, Camille,Lea & Jasmine, and Jennifer Hudson.
Woe to the Raging Critic. He makes a very big deal about color. Mention 'color' and he'd be sparked and ignited to a never ending blah blah blah about racism, etc. Go ahead and crown yourself as the world's greatest and smartest critic. So what??????
All my batchmates in junior high thinks you're a psycho case.
I think you are nuts and your comments are way off the track.
Add your comment, speak your mind
(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/15206)
"Go ahead and eat me then!"
buahahahahahahahahahaah :0)