American Idol Tries To Turn The Beat Around
Chapter 12: The Magical Afro-Cuban Samba

By: The Raging Critic

I swear!!!!!! The American Idol demons must have been released with John Peter Poltergeist's dismissal. First we have the Jennifer Hudson Catastrophe (a day that shall be forever called, Black Wednesday - - - - - no pun intended). Then, the producers give us the ole' one-two punch by shoving SALSA down our throats! GADZOOKS!

You see - - - I live in Miami (a.k.a. Cuba Minor). I am married to a Cuban (well, sorta) and I am the closest thing to Cubano that any gringo can ever strive to become. As you already know, Gloria Estefan is the queen of my newfound people. She is the beat that ticks within every little hoochie mama who dances on the bar at Mango's Cafe. She is the ebb and flow of today's Cuban pop culture. However, she is also the ebb and flow of my esophagus. When I hear her music I practically toss all of the cookies that Ruben Studdard tried to steal from my cookie jar last season. PEOPLE - - - - - - - - - I LOOOOOOOATHE GLORIA ESTEFAN!

In preparation for tonight's show, I made a quick trip to get my shells read from a Santera lady. For those of you who live in the cornfields of America, Santeros and Santeras are priests of Cuba's syncretized religion - Santeria. To save you any confusion, let us just assume it is the same thing as Voodoo (even though it is a little different). Santeros beat drums to call down the spirits! It is suuuuuuper cool. Spirits come down and possess people and they shake all around - sorta like John Peter Lewis. Anyway, these drum beats are still found today in almost every Jazz or Latin CD. So, Santeria is more significant to your everyday life than you might have originally thought.

Now, back to tonight's show - - - I am out to RID THIS PLACE OF JON OPIE STEVENS!!!!! Sooooooooo, I paid the Santera lady my 21 dollars tonight. I am on a mission to save this show from any further disasters. We had to sacrifice 205 chickens. You see, Santeros also sacrifice farm animals. But hey, that is way better than listening to Jon Stevens sing right? If he does not get booted tomorrow, I am gonna march back over to that Santera's house and demand for my twenty one dollars back - and I am taking half of America with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COMPRENDE PAPIS?

The drums started to roll and the show was underway - Cubano-style! Seatriscuit does the Macarena onto the stage. He is covered with feathers and is grinning from ear to ear. He flounders across the stage and introduces the Queen Mommy herself - Senora Gloria Estefan.