The Duke Explains The Art Of Film Criticism For The Internet
Published April 23, 2004
With this in mind, one might wish to instead tell the reader a bit about themselves. "Hi, guys", you might say, "Just thought I'd let you know about (insert film title) which I saw last night." Then, begin the main paragraph -
"Man, I was so late for work. The car broke down and next thing you know I'm calling the AA, but I called the wrong one, so instead of a breakdown company offering ridiculously low prices, I get two recovering alcoholics telling me about step programmes. Man oh man, I was thinking to myself, I sure hope I don't miss that screening of (insert film title here) what I got invited to by (insert name of individual working in "the business", but note that he'll kill you if he finds out you wrote this)."
Who the hell cares? Everyone. Everyone cares about your automobile foibles because it makes the review human. Always be thinking, How can I make myself more human?
If jokes about fuck and cocksucker achieve this, then make the most of it. Perhaps refer to the car as a "cocksucking piece of four-wheeled fuck."
You will no doubt have many funny anecdotes to tell revolving around your journey to the screening itself. Don't skimp on the details. What did you eat? Was it a burger? Was it nice? I bet they put some well-tasty cheese on there. Well, it's about time you told me. Don't mention the film yet, damn it. Who the hell cares? At this point, hardly anyone.
What sauce was on your food, if any?
Part Two - The Art Of Spoilers
Spoilers are an integral part to any critique of Filmic Affairs appearing on the web-net. Some examples of spoilers follow-
MILD SPOILER - When discussing Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula, one might say, "At the start there's these sword fights, but then Winona Ryder kills herself cause she thought Dracula was dead, but he wasn't." This is known as a mild spoiler. It may spoil the film if you don't want to know what happens in the first five minutes, but it's very unlikely to cause major distress.
SPOILER - The regular spoiler is slightly more intense. You might say something along the lines of, "Dracula gets revived or something, and ends up with hair that looks like an arse." This is a spoiler. Warn the reader. You might say, "Warning, spoiler ahead", or, "watch out for the spoiler, guys". Some people will not want to know that Dracula has hair like an arse, they might not even want to know what anyone's hair is fashioned like. But some others do wish to know these things, so tell them. Because another rule of Critique Of Filmic Affairs For The Web-Net, is that Spoilers are, for some people, the only thing that makes such a medium preferable to a print or television-based alternative. Barry Norman can't say "By the way, it turns out it was nothing but a fucking sled!", because of journalistic ethics and so on. You, however, reviewing Matrix Returns for The Harry Knowles Digest, can get away with such deviant behaviour. Provided you warn your readers.
The Duke (Aaron McMullan to his parents and the clergy) is a Northern Irish writer, performer and insomniac currently residing in London. He is the creator of Mondo Irlando, wherein his scribblings and hollerings can be found. He is currently working towards the completion of his first novel, and his debut "punk / country / folk / whatever" album has recently been released by Ex Libris Records . You can also pop by His MySpace Page and maybe have a coffee and a biscuit.
- The Duke Explains The Art Of Film Criticism For The Internet
- Published: April 23, 2004
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- Section: Sci/Tech
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Sci/Tech: Internet, Culture: Media, Video: Classics
- Writer: Duke De Mondo
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Thanks Chris! I was hoping my juxtapositioning of Kane with Stepfather 2 wouldn't go unacknowledged. And there you go! Acknowledging away as ever! Thank you!
duke, can i add your blog to my blogroll? (you don't have to do the same, atm i am posting only semi-regularly anyways)
I believe blogrolling is one of the few endeavors left for which permission is not necessary, nor is insurance required.
Jadester, certianly. i don't know if what i have i s ablog though to be honest. i guess it is. its at http://www.mondoirlando.com on account of i bought a domain name yesterday. i don't ahve a blogroll, but hopefully since upgrading my account with those geocities ne'erdowells i'll be able to work on my site again. damn their inactive page-making nonsense. So the point is, i will link to you certianly. Thank you! Gosh, im all flattered.
don't worry duke, mine isn't really a blog either, in the strictest sense. i figure if people want to know about someone else's life, it has to be interesting, and i can't be arsed to make it up...lol
That's what's always been holding me back as a film critic on the InnerWeb, I'm just shy about using "fuck" and "motherfucking" unless there is some sort of artistic merit, but then any movie which uses "frick", "mofo" or "feck" (Oh, hello, Father Ted), why'd they have to be nothing more than pornographers.
Uhm, where was I? Oh, yeah, always make sure to note how many digits you've stuffed up how many orifices. You can specify up to two thumbs and a middle digit, otherwise you legally have to declare "fisting" or "fisted".
This can also be used to report box office takes, so correct useage would be:
"The Passion of Christ" was fisted by "Master and Commander" this weekend.
Well! I never! The backlash against poor Duke begins, eh? I never even had a forward-lash. Lame am i? i'll have you know my gallant vowels and consonants could outrun any of Sylvia Plath or Mary Shelly or William Shakespeares' apparently "able bodied" words and sentences.
Jim, i had forgot about the old digit carry-on! Good for you for reminding me! Two thumbs up, jim ;)
I hope you're clear about Maria Schneider regulations, ie, your finger-nails should be trimmed and polished, and organic butter only.
I should add that in the teevee series, "The Family Business", Adam Glasser swears by extra virgin olive oil. He should know since he's made more movies than all of the AFI and Bambi's or whatever those limey fruits are called, put together.
you mean Bambis are fruits?! and here i was, thinkin' they were just deer...
You mean you never had your doubts? I mean, c'mon, the big doe eyes, the best friend called Thumper, waggling that tail.
Sure, Bambi was fruiter than Carmen Miranda and John Wayne put together.
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Ask anyone about The Godfather Trilogy. What do you get? Oh man, you might get, that Godfather is amazing is what it is, and The Godfather Part 2 - The Return Of The Godfather is possibly even better, what with the much further developed narrative. Part 3 though, that was just about the biggest load of shit I ever did see.
Oh my God, I'm laughing out loud in my office.
Excellent work here Senor Duke. You've used the word "fuck" about 12 times more than Al Pacino in Scarface, but most impressive of all my friend is you've displayed Citizen Kane right splat next to the cover of Stepfather 2........a match made in Duke heaven......