The Duke Explains The Art Of Film Criticism For The Internet
Published April 23, 2004
The Art Of Filmic Discussion For The Web-Net
On account of the recent award bestowed upon The Duke for his fine, semi-sexual skills regarding the critique of Filmic Affairs, I have decided it is time to let you all in on the tools of the trade, the trade being Critique Of Filmic Affairs For Posting On The Web-Net, and the tools being a modem, keyboard, some films, a joke or two.
Film Critics are the most powerful individuals ever to grace the universe, with the possible exception of The Soviets. Even Stalin, though, it has been suggested, would have been laughed out of Russia had he not been so eloquent regarding why Cannibal Holocaust is a damn masterpiece.
For proof of our continuing dominance regarding the popular consensus, note how many people immediately cite Citizen Kane as their Favourite Film What Any Motherfucker Ever Made. Have they seen the film? No, they just know there's a sled somewhere along the line. But because we have decided it is The Best Film What Any Motherfucker Ever Made, they are more than willing to rhyme off about how the dialogue overlaps, motherfucker, and the depth of composition is just about divine, don't you know?
This works in a vice versa type fashion too, like the film where Fred Savage turned into Judge Reinhold. Man, that Fred Savage. What crazy shenanigans will he get up to next, we can only wonder?
Ask anyone about The Godfather Trilogy. What do you get? Oh man, you might get, that Godfather is amazing is what it is, and The Godfather Part 2 - The Return Of The Godfather is possibly even better, what with the much further developed narrative. Part 3 though, that was just about the biggest load of shit I ever did see.
Here's a secret, friends - These fools didn't even see The Godfather Part 3 - Annihilation. Truth be told, they thought you were talking about the film where the man marries a widow and then kills her family.
So, then, it would be a damn act of treason to abuse this power, which is why I have compiled this here guide what might also be referred to as The Best Guide To Critique De Flick What Any Motherfucker Ever Wrote.
Part One - Who The Hell Cares?
Always be asking - "Who the hell cares?" Who? Who the hell cares what some film was like? No-one. Especially no-one reading your ramblings. If they wish to know if a film is good, they will see it, and then they will know. Otherwise, they might purchase a magazine, since stuff what is printed has been scientifically proven as superior to stuff what is on the web-net. Even those sites that offer the complete sonnets of Shakespeare and so on have been proven inadequate, and the sonnets aren't as good as they are on paper, with the punch-lines being especially crap.
The Duke (Aaron McMullan to his parents and the clergy) is a Northern Irish writer, performer and insomniac currently residing in London. He is the creator of Mondo Irlando, wherein his scribblings and hollerings can be found. He is currently working towards the completion of his first novel, and his debut "punk / country / folk / whatever" album has recently been released by Ex Libris Records . You can also pop by His MySpace Page and maybe have a coffee and a biscuit.
- The Duke Explains The Art Of Film Criticism For The Internet
- Published: April 23, 2004
- Type:
- Section: Sci/Tech
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Sci/Tech: Internet, Culture: Media, Video: Classics
- Writer: Duke De Mondo
- Duke De Mondo's BC Writer page
- Duke De Mondo's personal site
- Spread the Word
- Like this article?
- Email this
Save to del.icio.us
Comments on this articleComments
Thanks Chris! I was hoping my juxtapositioning of Kane with Stepfather 2 wouldn't go unacknowledged. And there you go! Acknowledging away as ever! Thank you!
duke, can i add your blog to my blogroll? (you don't have to do the same, atm i am posting only semi-regularly anyways)
I believe blogrolling is one of the few endeavors left for which permission is not necessary, nor is insurance required.
Jadester, certianly. i don't know if what i have i s ablog though to be honest. i guess it is. its at http://www.mondoirlando.com on account of i bought a domain name yesterday. i don't ahve a blogroll, but hopefully since upgrading my account with those geocities ne'erdowells i'll be able to work on my site again. damn their inactive page-making nonsense. So the point is, i will link to you certianly. Thank you! Gosh, im all flattered.
don't worry duke, mine isn't really a blog either, in the strictest sense. i figure if people want to know about someone else's life, it has to be interesting, and i can't be arsed to make it up...lol
That's what's always been holding me back as a film critic on the InnerWeb, I'm just shy about using "fuck" and "motherfucking" unless there is some sort of artistic merit, but then any movie which uses "frick", "mofo" or "feck" (Oh, hello, Father Ted), why'd they have to be nothing more than pornographers.
Uhm, where was I? Oh, yeah, always make sure to note how many digits you've stuffed up how many orifices. You can specify up to two thumbs and a middle digit, otherwise you legally have to declare "fisting" or "fisted".
This can also be used to report box office takes, so correct useage would be:
"The Passion of Christ" was fisted by "Master and Commander" this weekend.
Well! I never! The backlash against poor Duke begins, eh? I never even had a forward-lash. Lame am i? i'll have you know my gallant vowels and consonants could outrun any of Sylvia Plath or Mary Shelly or William Shakespeares' apparently "able bodied" words and sentences.
Jim, i had forgot about the old digit carry-on! Good for you for reminding me! Two thumbs up, jim ;)
I hope you're clear about Maria Schneider regulations, ie, your finger-nails should be trimmed and polished, and organic butter only.
I should add that in the teevee series, "The Family Business", Adam Glasser swears by extra virgin olive oil. He should know since he's made more movies than all of the AFI and Bambi's or whatever those limey fruits are called, put together.
you mean Bambis are fruits?! and here i was, thinkin' they were just deer...
You mean you never had your doubts? I mean, c'mon, the big doe eyes, the best friend called Thumper, waggling that tail.
Sure, Bambi was fruiter than Carmen Miranda and John Wayne put together.
Add your comment, speak your mind
(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/15035)
Ask anyone about The Godfather Trilogy. What do you get? Oh man, you might get, that Godfather is amazing is what it is, and The Godfather Part 2 - The Return Of The Godfather is possibly even better, what with the much further developed narrative. Part 3 though, that was just about the biggest load of shit I ever did see.
Oh my God, I'm laughing out loud in my office.
Excellent work here Senor Duke. You've used the word "fuck" about 12 times more than Al Pacino in Scarface, but most impressive of all my friend is you've displayed Citizen Kane right splat next to the cover of Stepfather 2........a match made in Duke heaven......