August 17, 2004

Coming exactly one week after the capture of Osama bin Laden in the mountains of southern Afghanistan, US troops in Iraq have found a secret cache of nerve gas just outside Fallujah. Hidden in an underground cavern, the find is likely to bolster President Bush's claim that Saddam Hussein's Iraq was a threat to the world, and that he was hiding WMDs from the international community.

Former UN Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix dismissed the find as "bogus election year politicking." Senator Kerry's campaign questioned the timing of this news. "I find it unbelieveable that this President would use this latter-day discovery as some sort of excuse for his reckless war on terror. I suspect Rove had a hand in this..."

Polls show Bush leading Kerry nationally by 58-39, with Nader garnering 3%. (Undecideds were removed from the results.)

The death toll in Iraq has now passed the 1,000 mark, and protestors in NYC and Los Angeles were still marching and demanding an end to hostilities in Iraq.

"This guy is such a liar," one protestor said of the President. "He's a right-wing madman bent on global empire. Fire Bush in '04!" shouted a bearded college professor. "He's worse than Hiler!" declared a fiftyish woman bereft of a bra.

In other news, The economy added another 200,000 jobs in July. The Dow went over 11,000 for the first time in years, and the NASDAQ reached 2,600.