If you're like me, you've always had a nagging feeling that a race of hybrid humans, a cross between reptilian aliens and human beings, govern this planet or, at the very least, dominate every DMV office; cold-blooded and tiny-brained, it seems to make sense. Well, our fears have been confirmed in the groundbreaking book And The Truth Shall Set You Free by "croc hunter" David Icke.

Crazy Dave, as he's known by those who have read any of his books, claims that thousands of years ago a race of planet-hopping lizards landed on Earth and, seeing as how the female version of Homo Sapiens Sapiens looked surprising like the scantily-clad Rachel Welch from the 1966 movie One Million Years B.C., decided to interbreed with the human species. And she was a fabulous babe back then, so you can hardly blame them.

Still, the idea of the Geico gecko and the comely Ms. Welch clicking heals in the rumble seat of a flying saucer isn't so shocking these days. After all, with just the few clicks of the mouse, your average computer user can see plenty of carnal barnyard antics on the Internet.

So far, Icke's book wasn't as shocking in its revelations as it was merely rank-amateur bizarre.

To support his thesis, rather than taking the scientific route and comparing the DNA of Alan Greenspan (high on the power-elite totem pole) and David Hasselhoff (biding his time at a more pedestrian level), Mr. Icke offers up ancient legends and various super-annuated texts such as the Old Testament, Sumerian clay tablets, and the award-winning novel The Bridges of Madison County as proof of his claim.

Ok, so I made up that part about The Bridges of Madison County. Still, Icke's book is so far-fetched, I wouldn't have been surprised to see it quoted. But to make up for the loss, he does make use of the trustworthy word of famed African Zulu shaman, Credo Mutwa - whoever the Hell he is. Wait, wasn't he the character Rerun on the 1970's sitcom What's Happening? Hold on, I'll ask my wife. She said I'm thinking of Fred Berry. He played Rerun.

If the tribal backwoods quack, Mutwa, doesn't quite provide the credibility you're looking for, then perhaps Zecharia Sitchin, a New Age whack job in his own right, will fit the bill. Sitchin has authored a number of books based on a similar Sumerian/E.T./Welch connection. Additionally, he is probably more well known for his examination of photographs sent back from Mars by several NASA probes wherein he identifies ancient Martian buildings, castles, fortifications, strip malls, parking ramps, septic tanks, etc.

However, when Icke informed his compatriot in the fantastically far-out of his intentions to research this nefarious reptile-dominated worldwide shogunate, Sitchin warned him in a deep foreboding tone, "Don't go there."

When I read this in Icke's book, I pictured both men sitting in Sitchin's car along a lonely stretch of gravel road far out in the country; both of them holding lollipops and wearing beanie propeller hats. Just as Sitchin utters his dire warning not to tread where lizards reign, a black helicopter emerges from behind a nearby farmhouse and hovers ominously overhead. Then, without hesitation, Sitchin floors it and both nut cases zoom over the side of a deep canyon Thelma and Louise style, holding hands and crying. A tattered copy of The Celestine Prophesies flies out an open window and flutters gently to the ground.