It Takes One to Know One
Published April 09, 2004
The institute doesn't understand the fuss, so they're working on a PETA transformation algorithm right now. They want to change someone into a PETA member to figure out where they're coming from. Not surprisingly, the engineers are caught in a loop.
"Frankly, their logic escapes us. And that's when we said, 'That's it!'" says senior engineer, BHW. "So we based our algorithm on the lack of logic. But when we run the Defectorator, we can't get the basic human logic switch to turn off consistently."
About half the time, BHW the engineer said, the PETA transformation ends with the subject leaving an animal rights protest and heading down to the local Outback for dinner.
Human subject BHW has big plans after the guinea pig transformation. In a shout out to Freud, she says, "I really want to get back into the womb. But not for the warmth and safety. I want to speak for the unborn."
Unfortunately, the Defectorator is in beta release right now, and baby human transformations aren't planned until at least release 3.0. And even then the BHW engineers aren't sure how they're going to get the baby back up through the birth canal.
"We're practicing with some pretty medieval looking tools right now on female goats," said one engineer.
A More Perfect Future
Plans for the Defectorator include moving beyond human and animal defectorations. Eventually, it will be able to turn you into other things such as plants, minerals and geological structures, and inanimate objects.
The ACLU has requested some special research. "We're looking for a less, um, physical transformation," said an ACLU representative. To assist their fight to protect the First Amendment, the ACLU would like to be able to transform into speech itself.
"Honestly, I don't know how we've gotten away with it for all these years," said the representative. "Don't quote me on this," she said, "but, I mean, how can we possibly defend free speech if we haven't been free speech?"
Ultimately, the ACLU would like to experience both free and censored speech. "We're a little concerned that the censored speech won't do much for our case, though. I mean, will it even speak at all? Or will it just sit around not saying anything? How will anyone know it's there?" the representative wondered.
For now, more modest defectorations are the focus. Defectorator release 1.0 is due out next month. Release 2.0 is planned for 2005.
"Look out for that second release!" said BHW Institute product manager, BHW. "We'll be able to correct most genetic defects on the spot. Stuff like brown eyes, tone-deafness, and the extra long second toe," she said.
Release 2.0 will be branded and marketed separately as The Eugenerator.
- It Takes One to Know One
- Published: April 09, 2004
- Type:
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: bhw
- bhw's BC Writer page
- bhw's personal site
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Cool! Somebody read my post!
I'm not sure what would happen if a bunch of Jesus 2.0s got together. Mostly, they'd probably sit around and tell each other stories with a "message." Like a big campfire thing. Maybe even little Kumbaya [or however the hell you spell it].
Reading more quality literature ... now that's an idea worth pursuing. But can you get people do DO it?
bhw, I don't understand why you have to be gay in order to speak out on gay rights. But any machine that gives us more people to date can't be all bad (oh, shucks, I'm married domestic partnerized, oh well, like all married non-single people I can dream).
"We basically mix a bunch of bodily fluids...and spoon them into a tube...
Wow, your machine is still under development and I've already stumbled across it's members-only website.
If I want to fight against indifference and apathy, what will it change me into? A blogging couch potato?
I included the html command to strike out the word married but for some reason it didn't work. Kinda spoils the effect.
bhw, I don't understand why you have to be gay in order to speak out on gay rights.
boom, that was in response to someone on this site who said that I "must be gay" because he had seen me on two long threads arguing in favor of gay marriage and gay rights.
We all know that's the only logical explanation!
oh, okay. Truthfully, it is always heartening to me when a straight person speaks out on gay rights, because they are in a minority just like I am!
Whether the mayors of S.F., New Paltz N.Y. and others did the right thing or not, it's always a noble and honorable thing to stand up for what you believe in, most especially when it doesn't apply to you. If only 'compassionate Christians' had such humanity in their hearts, I might not have become so disillusioned with the church. But then it's not my soul they are so fixated on, now is it?
Add your comment, speak your mind
(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/14588)
Ach mein Gott! This is what the Raelians have been trying to accomplish with their cloning experiments. You must join forces.
Can you create a machine that allows an individual to speak for every member in that individual's group? Imagine having the experience of any ethnicity or subculture and being able to speak for that group. We could create one individual who has experienced everything and who can speak for all. This individual could be called Jesus 2.0. Wait a minute. Mel Gibson already created a Defectorator: The Passion of the Christ. Oh shit, now we have a whole load of people who have been converted into Jesus 2.0. Can we have more than one? What will happen when they confront each other?
Literature has always served as a pretty effective Defectorator. Maybe we just need to get people to read more quality literature in order to make the world a better place.