It Takes One to Know One
Published April 09, 2004
Social scientists and philosophers have long understood something most common folks don't want to accept: that before you can advocate effectively for a particular point of view, you need some first hand experience.
For example, if you want to argue for gay rights, you probably should be gay. [Come to think of it, I bet you are, faggot.] That way, you'll actually know what you're talking about and people will correctly assume that you are what you preach.
Good news. Now it's possible for people with no previous background as anyone other than themselves to obtain that elusive "otherness." The BHW Institute has developed a machine that can instantly transform you into a member of any group, whether ethnically related or merely ideologically, culturally, religiously aligned.
Wanna fight for gay rights? Zap! You're a homosexual.
Wanna fight against child labor? Zing! You're a five-year-old Guatemalan girl with calloused hands and fifteen cents in your pocket.
Wanna eradicate world hunger? Zip! You're an emaciated, multi-ethnic, third world starving man.
Wanna fight the war on drugs? Zoot! You're an HIV-positive, Hepatitis B and C infected, delirium tremens afflicted, recovering heroin/cocaine/methamphetamine/OxyContin/alcohol addict. [Alcohol is a drug, right?]
It Slices, It Dices, It Juliennes
What is this contraption, you ask? And how does it do all that AMAZING stuff?
It's called The Defectorator. "We were going to call it the Metamorphosizer," said BHW Institute marketing director, BHW. "But nobody could pronounce it. Besides, 'Defectorator' better reflects the unproven scientific fact that human diversity is caused by defective DNA."
"You know," she whispered, "that's why white people get sunburn."
The Defectorator works by taking a perfectly decent, if imperfectly genetic, human being and restructuring her DNA so that she becomes someone else. It also gives her memories and experiences mirroring those of the larger group to which she now belongs. The process, called defectoration, usually takes five minutes.
Amazingly, no human embryos are destroyed during the transformation.
"We basically mix a bunch of bodily fluids in a petri dish and spoon them into into a tube in the machine. Then we press a button, wait five minutes, and voilą!" said BHW lead scientist, BHW.
If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em
Many human-to-human defectorations have been tried, but no human-to-animal transformations. The first is scheduled for Monday. And guess what resident human subject BHW wants to defectorate into?
"Since I've been a human guinea pig, I thought it'd be cool to become a real guinea pig. Then I can explain how much vivisection really hurts. Can you imagine how powerful that voice would be?" she asked.
Ironically, it's just this type of research that's getting BHW Institute into trouble. PETA members recently picketed outside the research campus protesting the planned animal transformation.
- It Takes One to Know One
- Published: April 09, 2004
- Type:
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: bhw
- bhw's BC Writer page
- bhw's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
Cool! Somebody read my post!
I'm not sure what would happen if a bunch of Jesus 2.0s got together. Mostly, they'd probably sit around and tell each other stories with a "message." Like a big campfire thing. Maybe even little Kumbaya [or however the hell you spell it].
Reading more quality literature ... now that's an idea worth pursuing. But can you get people do DO it?
bhw, I don't understand why you have to be gay in order to speak out on gay rights. But any machine that gives us more people to date can't be all bad (oh, shucks, I'm married domestic partnerized, oh well, like all married non-single people I can dream).
"We basically mix a bunch of bodily fluids...and spoon them into a tube...
Wow, your machine is still under development and I've already stumbled across it's members-only website.
If I want to fight against indifference and apathy, what will it change me into? A blogging couch potato?
I included the html command to strike out the word married but for some reason it didn't work. Kinda spoils the effect.
bhw, I don't understand why you have to be gay in order to speak out on gay rights.
boom, that was in response to someone on this site who said that I "must be gay" because he had seen me on two long threads arguing in favor of gay marriage and gay rights.
We all know that's the only logical explanation!
oh, okay. Truthfully, it is always heartening to me when a straight person speaks out on gay rights, because they are in a minority just like I am!
Whether the mayors of S.F., New Paltz N.Y. and others did the right thing or not, it's always a noble and honorable thing to stand up for what you believe in, most especially when it doesn't apply to you. If only 'compassionate Christians' had such humanity in their hearts, I might not have become so disillusioned with the church. But then it's not my soul they are so fixated on, now is it?
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(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/14588)
Ach mein Gott! This is what the Raelians have been trying to accomplish with their cloning experiments. You must join forces.
Can you create a machine that allows an individual to speak for every member in that individual's group? Imagine having the experience of any ethnicity or subculture and being able to speak for that group. We could create one individual who has experienced everything and who can speak for all. This individual could be called Jesus 2.0. Wait a minute. Mel Gibson already created a Defectorator: The Passion of the Christ. Oh shit, now we have a whole load of people who have been converted into Jesus 2.0. Can we have more than one? What will happen when they confront each other?
Literature has always served as a pretty effective Defectorator. Maybe we just need to get people to read more quality literature in order to make the world a better place.