Some of you fans of The Duke will probably be clicking on this here article and saying, "Gee, I wonder what obscure piece of crap he's gonna canonise today?" Well, you better take that attitude back to Juvenile Hall or wherever it is Americans send their foul-mouthed offspring, and get your textbooks ready for some educationalising.

You may have heard about a certain criminal pastime known by those in the know as the P2P. What the P2P entails is quite simple - Folks what want the new Eminem but would rather not pay for it, if possible, can go onto the P2P in question and then download it from some kind individual who got hold of a copy and uploaded it to the web-net for all to grab. What happens next is that the downloaded file is listened to a few times, and then Eminem gets his lawyers to go round to the house of the criminal in question and bust a cap in their ass, by which I mean he sues them for many dollars.

This, of course, is the ideal scenario.

But what usually happens is someone downloads the new Eminem and presses play and then discovers that what they actually have is twenty seconds of The Real Slim Shady followed by a blast of feedback and then silence, or possibly an advert for a similar recording you might be interested in downloading for free.

Because believe it or not, those recording executive types have caught on to this whole shebang, and they're up in arms and legs and any number of limbs, on account of how you are all stealing their livelihoods or something, because "evidence" shows that since this whole P2P malarkey started, record sales have slumped to barely three copies a week or something. I put the word evidence in inverted commas just now by way of highlighting the fact that such evidence doesn't really exist, much like Santa Clause or The Freemasons or Pee-Wee Herman. In fact, what evidence there is which is real actually suggests that P2P has nothing whatsoever to do with the whole "no-one wants your garbage CD's anymore" situation.

Anyway, I'm getting all mollycoddled and confuffled and such, and missing the point by some degree. The point is that far worse than the threat to our society and / or Elton John posed by P2P, is the fact that many of us spend seven hours waiting for a SCREENER (TMD) - CAM GOOD copy of Hellboy to download, only to be faced with, at best, 57 minutes of Final Destination 2, or, more likely, a black screen, the DIVX logo flashing momentarily at the bottom, just so you know it's not because you have the wrong codec or anything, but in fact have been tricked into spending seven hours worth of electricity and bandwidth downloading nothing.