American Idol Does The Crocodile Rock
Chapter 7: Three Ring Circus
By: The Raging Critic

Laaadiiees and Gentlemen and children of all ages, Sir Elton John has tried to steal the thunder from Sir William Hung! I had recently been shocked and appalled that this wretched little Riki Martinomo routine had popped into the spotlight. Nevertheless, he has managed to grasp my approval.

Why? Because he will hopefully distract all of those looney tunes circus roadies who are punching their phone pads for Opie and Carmen - I mean Camile - Velasco! People are starving for attention in Los Angeles and we are feeding them a bunch of pity votes! WHAT'S WITH THESE PEOPLE??????? They are turning this show into a three-ring-circus!

Here is my full and final statement - - - last year it was the Carmen fans. This year we have the Jon Stevens and Camile fans! These people have to fall into one of the "stupid people voter" categories I established last season. That is, unless they really think these kids are the best????? (which I find to be veeeeeeery peculiar)

Meanwhile, Sir Elton is looking as knightly as ever. He rode my trusty steed, Seatriscuit, into this gig - but I didn't see any armor. Isn't he supposed to be a knight????? And why didn't he bring the pips this time? HEHE.

By the way, I forgot to mention - - - Seatriscuit is a Dancing Lipizzaner Stallion. The breed became particularly famous when they got a bad case of herpes while traveling with the circus in the 1970's. And honey, lemme tell you - it just ain't pretty when they are at the circus when that happens!!!!!! NO WONDER ELTON DIDN'T STICK AROUND TO BE A GUEST JUDGE!?!?!?! Eeeeeeeew!

But never fear ladies and gentleman and children of all ages, The Raging Ringmaster is here to bring out the finest acts in the land (cough - hack). Here they are folks, starting with the clowns and ending with the thunderous roar of a surprising lion.

9. John Peter Lewis - "Rocket Man"
JPL must have been sucked back into the light with me last week. He did not seem to have that demonic spirit living inside himself anymore. He came onstage with his brand new Michael Landon Little House hairdo and a peppy green jacket. The only thing missing were some cute little lace socks and a kite! I mean, what happened to this dude?????

John Peter opened his mouth and three hundred different singers were singing out of his mouth tonight. One line would be convincing while the next line would be painful. He sounded confident and commanding in one breath and then timid and meek in the next. And then it dawned on me - - this guy is a total poser! I wouldn't be surprised if he made a crazy bet with someone to enter this competition and has somehow managed to make it this far. He simply did not have any confidence tonight.