"Hellboy" is a Living Hell

Written by Shark
Published April 04, 2004
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Like most 'artsy auteurs' these days — by using the ubiquitous 'homage' technique — Del Toro shows us with a nod and a wink that he's more than a moron with a multi-million dollar budget and some digital effects: He invokes scenes from Matrix, On the Waterfront, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, et al. — as if to say, "Even though I'm an ignorant hack, I know good moviemaking when I see it!"

Feh.

I would give you the plot summary, but:

a) there is no plot;

b) what little there is makes absolutely no sense at all; something about Nazis, Rasputin, and a doorway to Hell; (bet you've never heard THOSE plot points before?!)

c) shut up; you're here for the action.

On the action side, the movie starts out with a bang (gee, how unusual these days) and only pauses every now and then for audience members to catch their breaths and rub their blood-shot eyes before the next deluge of hyperactive smash cuts of over-digitally-generated monsters appears.

The actors and Del Toro, during their pre-release interviews, all talk about the humor and humanity of this film, how it's a love story, a 'beauty and the beast', it really has a heart, etc etc.

The film does try to be funny, but for example, when a mountain of rock falls on Hellboy and then '--beat--beat--beat--' a little pebble hits him on the head followed by an "Ow," you sort of long for the days when Tex Avery did it much better and funnier from Termite Terrace at the Warner Bros. Cartoon division.

Anyway, prepare for Perlman, Del Toro, and Hurt to be seen in an endless series of interviews trying to prepare you for the profound and hilarious sides to this latest waste in celluloid:

DON'T BELIEVE THEM. They doth protest too much.

It's really just ALIEN meets the World Wrestling Federation — which is how I imagine it was initially pitched.

Other Major Drawback: no boobs — other than Ron Perlman's.

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"Hellboy" is a Living Hell
Published: April 04, 2004
Type:
Section: Video
Filed Under: Books: Comics and Graphic Novels, Books: Horror, Books: SF, Video: Action, Video: Fantasy, Video: SF
Writer: Shark
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Comments

#1 — April 4, 2004 @ 10:56AM — Ms. Tek [URL]

I intend on seeing this because I actually like Ron Perlman. The thing is that all of these movies based on comics really suck. I never understood why the X-Men was so popular. I saw the first one and wanted those minutes of my life back! I just hope they don't start touching my beloved Vertigo titles!

#2 — April 4, 2004 @ 11:07AM — Shark

Tek, I badly wanted to like this film. I really like Perlman, but he's just a prop in this movie, and has about 10 lines.

My advice: rerent "City of Lost Children" and retain your fond memories of Ron in his glory moment.

#3 — April 4, 2004 @ 12:53PM — BB [URL]

"No boobs"?

What's this world coming to!!!

#4 — April 4, 2004 @ 13:14PM — Bob Mozark

I guess you either like to have comic books made into movies or you don't. This movie shows that Hollywood can remain true to the spirit of the original movie if the director understands and respects the source and has the chops to say "no" to the idiots in the studio when they come up with suggestions, like: "How about we have a big name actor do the movie and he just turns into Hellboy when he gets angry?"

I for one enjoyed the movie and felt that del Toro did an excellent job of translating Mignola's visions to the screen.

And for their share of the modest $60 million dollar movie budget the special effects team did an excellent job with one exception: Selma Blair's pyrokinetic fire did not at all look realistic. For example, the underwater scenes when Abe Sapien went into the underground resevoir and then met up with the hellhounds were filmed on a dry set and the water added later by CGI.

The production design team did an excellent job with the settings. And we can be thankful that Vin Diesel didn't get the role of Hellboy, the way the Studio wanted. Despite his being "hot" when this movie was cast, he could never have been a good a Hellboy Ron Perlman, who was born to play this role.

#5 — April 4, 2004 @ 13:54PM — Shark

Bob, I agree in part, but disagree elsewhere.

Hollywood has had a very hard time translating great comic books into decent movies (Hulk, anyone?), and I think it depends on whether or not the writer has a history, love, and understanding of the comics' real essence.

I'd love to hear your opinion (and other comic fanatics out there: BILL SHERMAN, where are you?!) as to which films have succeeded in that regard. Might be a great eductional service.

You're right about the fire effects; they were pretty bad. I thought MANY of the FX scenes were pretty poor; the underwater stuff, and Hellboy's run across the crumbling bridge, you could almost see the invisible wires. It was awful!

And, no offense, but I'm so tired of hearing "But the special effects were great" that I could scream.

After the digital overkill, I pulled out my DVD copy of "Days of Heaven" and watched it just to purge my eyeballs.

Best,
Shark


#6 — April 5, 2004 @ 00:32AM — Chad Woodland [URL]

Uhm. I liked it. It was a great fun movie and I'm sure there will be sequel(s) as Ron Pearlman's dance card is hardly full. If you want an Oscar winner go rent one. This is a comic book and it was done better than many.... X Men 1, League of Extrordinarily Dull and Lifeless Gentelmen, The Hulk.

#7 — April 5, 2004 @ 10:36AM — jaded naivety

Well, I saw it, and I liked it.
The whole point of some movies is just to take your mind away from the day to day ordinary crapola that we deal with as a matter of course. I mean, would you really watch The Blob or Attack of the Killer Tomatos, or one of the most delightfully hideous movies of all time Rocky Horror picture show looking for the plot???? Not if you want to get your money's worth...as for the translation of comics to the big screen, c'mon give me a break! Are you saying that you think that the studios should be able to take what is in everyone's IMAGINATIONS, and somehow transfer all of that info onto cels?
I don't know about yours, but my imagination is capable of producing scenes and special effect movies in my head from reading that they would never be able to imitate on the big screen. And yes, all movies should have some boobs in them.

#8 — April 5, 2004 @ 11:37AM — Phillip Winn [URL]

I normally choke pretty hard on badly-done special effects, but I was pretty impressed with Hellboy's. Yeah, there were a couple of moments where they were glaring: the aforementioned across-the-bridge scene was one and the other involved Ron Perlman's huge hand and a cat. Other than that, they worked for me.

The fire wasn't supposed to look like normal fire, or they would have made it orange instead of blue. Yeah, yeah, I know about color temperature. But when someone is surrounded by orange fire but glowing blue herself, that seems deliberate.

I'll probably write up my own review, but my biggest beef with the film had to do with the anti-climactic ending. If you've seen the movie, you probably know what I mean. Ugh.

#9 — April 5, 2004 @ 12:17PM — Shark

Phillip, re. the ending.

Yeah. No kidding. I think we were supposed to squirt a few.

(And they missed a great opportunity! Dissolve to the future: the girl is in the hospital with hubby Hellboy at her side, and a nurse walks in with a brand-new red baby with horn stubs and a small tail. "Congratulations, Hellboy, it's a... um... ah..." Fade to black.)

In the last 15 minutes, the story had gotten so convoluted, obtuse, and downright unintelligible that I was not only totally lost, but was at a point where I couldn't care less.

I wasn't even sure what I was rooting for -- which is a HUGE mistake to make in that kind of film.

PS: How about the blackout scene after the big battle with the alien antennae monsters? Suddenly, everybody wakes up, Hellboy is doing a Hunchback of Notre Dame routine, and there's something about his arm, some 'locks', and the Apocalypse?

Wha?

Man, what a stinker.

"Sanctuary!!!"



#10 — April 5, 2004 @ 15:03PM — Bill Sjherman [URL]

I'm not sure we can entirely blame Del Toro for the end results - word that I've read indicates that there was much post-production tampering on the part of the studio.

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