In Search of Viking Films
Published April 03, 2004
Finding a good viking film is akin to watching prime time television. One must wade chest-deep through a lot of sewage before discovering that rare gem. I have climbed video-store ladders and creepy-crawled Internet basements in my epic quest. I have stared into the bloodshot eyes of Richard Boone and amazingly survived. Tolkien, undoubtedly, would be proud.
My discoveries were enlightening. First let me say, the viking film as a genre is a foolish pipe dream. I might as well have been clopping around to the sound of coconut shells with Michael Palin and company. I loaded down my station wagon for a cross-country road trip and discovered four flat tires. Oh well, the journey is the thing.
I liked The Vikings and The 13th Warrior. I was even mildly inspired by Chuck Heston's whimsical The War Lord. But two films stand out as unforgettable as sinking ships at launch. I stared at the boat slowly disappearing beneath the harbor surface, and awkwardly realized, "What a glorious fucking waste of time."
The 1964 lusty epic The Long Ships is so laughably bad as to be amusing - but I think that's a good thing. This outrageous film tells the tale of a band of vikings in search of a huge golden bell. Led by Richard Widmark and Russ Tamblyn (that's right, Russ Tamblyn), these colorful warriors steal a ship, oar through a maelstrom and battle Moors, all the while trying to find that darn golden bell.
Poor Sidney Poitier, starring in probably the worst film of his career, is the leader of the happy-go-lucky Moors. He's got a sexually frustrated wife back home who's irritated with his obsession with finding this golden bell. Everyone's looking for the golden bell. I suppose when found, it can be melted down and provide untold riches for all involved. Which is really kind of a shame, because when it rings, it makes such beautiful music.
Anyway, Poitier and the Vikings reluctantly join forces to find this golden bell - which is about 20 feet tall. Such a golden bell must be awfully heavy, but it's carted around on a Gilligan's Island-like raft and pulled by six unlucky horses once they reach land. At one point the bell falls down a cliff, killing a lot of vikings, and then oddly floating on the ocean like a discarded Styrofoam cup. Thank goodness it didn't sink because I don't think viking scuba gear had been invented.
- In Search of Viking Films
- Published: April 03, 2004
- Type:
- Section: Video
- Filed Under: Video: Action, Video: Adventure, Video: Fantasy
- Writer: Chris Kent
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Thanks Shark. Wasn't that John Wayne film called The Conqueror? It was prduced/directed by Howard Hughes? They filmed that out in the dessert during nuclear testing, cast members and crew showered with radiation fallout, and just about all of them came down with cancer over the next 20 years?
I have never seen The Conqueror, though hear it's one of the great bad movies of all time.....
Chris, right on all counts except Directed by Dick Powell.
Definitely one of the *worst movies ever made!
(Poor John was in a few of those, wasn't he: Alamo, Green Berets...)
lol.....I loved The Alamo as a child and still think Laurence Harvey's performance as Travis is quite good. Watching it today though is groan-inducing. I have seen a documentary on the making of that film. To me, the story behind the making of The Alamo - a senile John Ford making a surprise visit to the set, Wayne and buddies carousing in Ciudad Acuna - is more interesting than the lumbering film itself. Locals to this day remember Wayne's time there...."He was a very big man who spoke very bad Spanish."
The Wayne-built set in Bracketville, Texas, in the middle of nowhere, is still fascinating to visit. A great weekend trip if you ever have the time....
Good stuff Chris. Glad to see your slab of web net is up and running and generally shuffling forwards. Looks good, lad. Viking films, eh? Time for another one, me thinks, what with Johnny Depp Versus The Pirates and Orlando Bloom Versus The Troy and so on all garnering hype in abundance. A remake of Erik The Viking perhaps, with the big twist being that it has proper jokes. Just a thought
Thanks El Senor Duke,
I have a ways to go to match your site. I have a couple of ideas, but must find the time! As for viking films, I suppose my recent obsession began with 13th Warrior which I own and have seen about 10 times. I have recommended it to all of my friends and they just don't get all the fuss....I love the book it is based on Eaters of the Dead as well. I suppose we all deserve a decadent pleasure now and then....:)
Hi,
In terms of good viking movies, you must have missed Knives of the Avenger (Mario Bava) and Beowulf & Grendel.
Look for Pathfinder in September and Warrior of Ice soon...
Yves Rivard
The Viking Saga, Gli Invasori (M. Bava), When the raven flies, The Last Viking an the new IMAX movie Vikings : a journey through time (out on dvd) are surely among the best I've seen recently.
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Chris, good work. Thanks for the memories.
My grandson is 3.5 years old and he has what is apparently an inherent genetic obsession with swords -- So I've been on the lookout for the best sword movies during the last year or so.
There are a few good knight, samurai, medieval, and pirate movies, but alas, no good Viking movies.
You just saved me a lot of time and effort.
PS: I remember one of the worst of those 'what were they thinking' moments was John Wayne as Genghis Khan. You have to avert your eyes!