Sometimes if I'm bored and I have sharp object, I'll start to cut myself a bit without even knowing it.
It's wierd, but strangely entertaining. I don't usually do it, I've just noticed it happen sometimes.

I have a friend who when he is bored carves stuff into his arm.. but he's on alot of drugs.
I asked him why and he said why not..

That's pretty serious stuff. The above mentioned is rather mild in comparison to the extent some go to. Some people go as far as breaking their own bones and amputation of some body parts. That is the extreme of course. It's kind of an act of aggression used as an emotional outlet. It's treated as seriously as eating disorders and for some reason affects girls more(much like eating disorders). I've actually seen pictures of teen children who have inflicted deep cuts and cigarette burns on themselves.

Blood letting is another reason people cut themselves. Kind of like the guy and the pencil sharpener blade slashing his forearm. That is a weird addiction that can escalte in seriousness as with all addictions. Some even do it(self mutilation and blood letting)as a Satanic ritual. Not my cup of tea. There's probably stuff all over the internet about it.

I have been suffering with severe depression most of my life. I started cutting when I was about 14 and now I am 21 and I still do it sometimes. I can't really explain why, I guess it's just that I was never really allowed to cry or get angry when I was a little girl, so I just let it all build up. I cut so that I can see the pain within myself flow back into the world that created it.

Whoa Tammy, that sounds pretty serious and I sincerely hope you get some help. It is pointless to blame the world for either your problems or your depression and you are much better off with the blood inside where it serves a vital purpose, rather than outside where all it does is make a mess. Please get help and I wish you the best.

I can help but to feel slightly perturbed by the comments made that people cute themselves simply bc they are bored. Cutting is nothing to be proud of and i don't understand why it's becoming morbidly idolized. I started cutting when i was 11 years old w/o even knowing what i was doing. i had just found out my mother had cancer and i wanted to kill myself but could'nt get further than just cutting. But somehow it still helped me. I am now 21 and 2 weeks ago i was involuntarily hospitalized for self injury and suicidal tendencies. You don't know how embarrassed I feel about this, bc I am a successful girl with some good people in my life. But as I have gotten older depression and bi-polar feelings have gotten the best of me. I don't want to cut anymore, and i never wanted to. I can feel this way on any given day, and I can see how disgusting it is..but at the same time when I am overcome by sorrow and pain it becomes the only way to cope after i've exhausted all other options. Afterward I become so disgusted with myself, and it is a very harmful circle. But anyway sorry to take up so much space I just wanted to chime in with my thoughts...maybe it'll help someone understand this habit better.

Thanks Lotus and I wish you the very best, please do all you can to deal with the problem. Obviously, you already know hurting yourself isn't the answer.

May i ask both Tammy and Lotus if they might consider going to a support group for rape victims?

Your mothers, Lotus and Tammy have worked hard for nine months to bring you into the world as perfect as possible. You are a piece of perfect art. Take care of yourselves as you might have taken care of an original Mona Lisa.
You're precious. I really mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I have had major depressive disorder since I was 12 and an anxiety disorder since I was 10. I've also been diagnosed with an eating disorder. I really like to cut. Its calming and I think it looks pretty. When I do it I feel better, relaxed. When I'm really upset I like to draw pictures or write things on my skin using my razor. I can't cry, because when I do people freak out, they think I might do something bad. I have a therapist, but she doesn't know. I don't trust anyone so there is no one I can talk to. My mom would flip out if she ever knew what was going on. So I'm stuck. And I don't think I want to get better. I don't know how to be happy. Does such a thing even exist?

Amy, it's not pretty, or cool, oranything else positive. Think about why you would think anything positive about doing damage to yourself. Tell your mother, tell your therapist and get some real help, quit pretending. And yes, you can be happy.

I just want to thank you all for your positive feedback. Depression and self mutilation are very hard disorders to overcome. Everyday is still a struggle, and I'm so thankful for the times when my mind is actually in peace and I can be happy with myself. I've been out of the hospital for about 3-4 weeks now, and I do feel better at times, I haven't cut since my hospitalization. The medication that I'm on had some negative side effects that acutally encouraged more morbid thoughts than I had previously had. I let my therapist know about this, but right away they threatened to throw me back into the hospital. So I immediately declined and said that I was doing fine. It's a shame that people who are paid to listen and help you won't even do that much. It we be much easier to talk to someone free of judgement and threats, bc I honestly feel that those are the last things that a person with depression needs. Well I will stop my rant now, but if anyone is interested or has any questions feel free to email me, anything is appreciated. I hope my story can give understanding to those who don't understand. For young people that begin cutting and think that it's a beautiful thing, you need to realize that you are embarking on a horrible habit that will exist within for your life. It is hurtful and as good as it may feel in the moment, you need to be careful bc after cutting for years, it can escalate into something bigger than yourself...be careful and look for another way....

k, i've been trying to avoid this here board becuase it brings up a few things id rather forget and also, i tend to be a bit of an arse for comcial purposes on other comments, but i just wanna advise you, Elizabeth, that i don't think you really wanna be posting invitations like that along with your email address.
Take care folks. Don't be doin nothing daft, alright?

Elizabeth, I had to delete your comment because we really truly do not want to encourage people to do anything like this, regardless of our needs for school projects.

I've known enuf 'cutters' in my life. It sure is an authentic psychological malady.

What is the answer? It is a problem being worked on. How to handle the specifics of the cause, what are the specifics? That is the question.

peaceloveguidance

Wow. I missed this when it was originally posted, but catching up on these comments brings back memories of a girlfriend I had who confided to me that she had done this at times. I didn't really understand it at the time, and I just thought she was being dramatic, but I've come to realize more of what goes on to cause this and have read some on the subject.

From what I gather, it's a control issue. Many of those who take part in this behavior have been abused and have yet to fully come to grips with what they've suffered through. Those who were abused cut because the abuse they suffered was at the hands of someone else - they had their control taken away. Cutting is something that they alone are in control of, and it can make them feel better because they can say, "There, see, I did that, I took control and did that," even if they never show it to anyone else. This, like eating disorders, is one small way they can retain some control over what they feel is so far out of their control. It's sad and scary. I really hope all of these girls can face the reality of the situation and ask someone for help.

Tom: thanks for the info. man!

Irie

It's not only girls or women who cut themselves.
I've cut myself for one or the other of two reasons, especially during the years when I used a box cutter in my daily work. Rage and self-hatred is one: seeing again and again the women I'd be attracted to prefer someone else because...I don't have the skills, looks, money or personality to attract the women I like? I'm too obviously needy? that I'm not traditionally "manly" enough? Whether one or all or none of the above, or something else entirely, I felt the need to punish myself for what I perceived as a failure on my part, or myself as a human being.

The other reason is like the old joke: patient goes to see his doctor. "Doctor! Doctor!," he cries, "I have a terrific headache!" The doctor gives him a vicious kick in the shins, and the patient drops to the floor, howling. "Forgotten about your headache, haven't you?" says the doctor.
When I'd have an volcanic instance of emotional distress, cutting myself would tear the focus away from my emotional pain to my physical pain, and relieve the feeling that my head was going to explode.
The dividing line between the two modes is not at all distinct, and more often than not a blend to one degree or another, like compound colors: sometimes a blue-gray is more blue, sometimes more gray.

There is no pain like mental anguish. Most physical pain, as nagging and annoying as it may be, doesn't hurt like an injured spirit. There are no bandages, no words, no drugs or treatments that can balm the sores inside us. Drugs and booze work temporarily, but the pain only comes back worse.

Yet nothing so satisfies a tortured soul as a bit of self-inflicted pain. What better way to be obedient to the tyrants who put us in that pain, but to continue their insults in their absense?

Of course you'll be told the problem is in you, that your "tormentors" are either imagined or not the point. This is partially true. But the part that is false could kill you. Some things are not your fault, and the urge to cut is one of them.

People who have been abused often attract new abusers. In the absense of an abuser, they'll do it themselves with the regularity of changing their oil. Maintenance.

Most "normal" people will tell you buck up and stop hurting yourself. Makes sense, good advice, means nothing, doesn't help.

Counselors suck in general, and are more likely to be dangerous than benign. A few are helpful. All are to be questionned, and none are to be kept for longer than 6 months. Rotate.

Drugs, who knows? Antidepressants are ubiquitous and misunderstood, but they provide the best shot at achieving some sort of normalcy from which you can rebuild your life. Psychiatrists today are there to simply notarize prescriptions. Otherwise they are without worth. (A sweeping generalization, I admit; but I'll stand by it).

Teenagers should not take antidepressants because they can cause the very problem they're supposed to be solving. Lots of kids on anti-D's kill themselves.

Here's what does work. Awareness, awareness, awareness. Talk, talk, talk. Openness and honesty. If you cut and hide, and you can't stop, then show someone you love and trust. Show them what you've done and ask them what they think. Talk, write, talk.

What is sad about this is not that people carve. What's sad is the incompetence of the mental health "community" and the lack of support it receives from insurance companies and the federal government. The stigma of mental illness has budged an inch, but that's it.

Parents, ministers, counselors and shrinks, on hearing you're carving, will likely freak, seek your incarceration, and make you their project. If you turn yourself over to these people, you risk more than you know.

React. But do not over-react. Carving is not much different than piercing, except that one's a fad, the other a disorder.

Good luck.

Lately, I've been seeing reports on how the SSRIs, especially Lilly's, have been linked to suicidal and homicidal behaviors. I could have told them that sixteen years ago, when Prozac made my depression and anxiety WORSE, and landed me in a psychiatric hospital. Word is that the numerous SSRI-related suicide and homicide cases were quietly settled by Lilly to keep their name out of court records and newspapers.
Granted, Prozac and other SSRIs have helped many people, but in my case, and doubtless many others, I believe that they have been prescribed as a blanket panacea, without proper screening of patients for whom they would be diastrous, and internal Lilly documents now coming to light of iffy methodology and ignored warning flags seems to bear me out. I feel like I was used as an uninformed, nonconsenting guinea pig.
Stand by your generalization. My experience with the psychiatric and psychological community has been primarily been: pretend to listen to you while they squeeze you into some Procrustean category from the DMLV-III (not sure if that's the correct title, I don't have a reference handy), give you a prescription, tell you to think good thoughts, and do some breathing exercises. The patient as lab experiment, the ultimate simplistic misuse of the straitjacket of cause and effect. I believed for many years now that psychiatry and psychology are arts, not sciences, and like the other arts, there are more hacks than geniuses

Nick: Psychiatry used to be an art, but the science has been conceded to the drug companies, and these giant pharmaceutical outfits know how the game is played. The OxyContin patent battle exposed how it works. If you grease the right palms at the FDA, it all works out. I feel sorry for the older shrinks who used to get to talk to their patients at least, maybe even get to feel useful once in a while, answering the phone in the middle of the night to calm somebody down. Those days are gone. I'd rather be a toll collector than a psychiatrist now.

Your point about feeling like a lab rat? You probably were.

The drug industry is full of crime, and empty of people to stop it.

Btw, here's a research project for us: what percentage of a given population over the last 100 years has been diagnosed with mental illness, and what percent of the American population is currently prescribed antidepressant medication? I suspect the number of people being treated is very high, higher than the highest "norm" ever recorded. And I'll also wager the drug companies have an answer for that ready: better diagnoses, better treatments.

I'm not so sure.

Lab rat indeed. Prozac was hailed as the brand new wonder drug (oh, pardon me - medication) for depressives in 1988. Not that my suffering is in the same league, but I feel a certain kinship with the victims of the Tuskegee Experiments, the MK-ULTRA LSD dosings, the chemical/biological experiments carried out in the Fifties/Sixties in San Francisco, New York City and elsewhere, and the G.I.s who were ordered to march into mushroom clouds after atomic tests or were dusted with Agent Orange in Vietnam. As I see it, it's all part of The 'Expert' Syndrome - a controlling group (or "elite", if you will: military, political, religious, financial, etc.) that believes it has the right to make policy without needing to consult those that it will most effect: "You don't NEED to know; we know what's best; don't worry your pointy little head about it." Or, "I'm from the government; I'm here to help you"'s bigger, more sinister, brother.

I really liked Nick's explanation about the doctor joke, I came about this site because I am doing research for a project, the reason I choose the topic is because I do it. I thought by looking at it I would be able to stop...
I started when my parents annoced their divorce after about five seperations and renunions, I didn't know how to take it, I hurt so bad that I wanted to see if I was real still, I wanted to see blood the true sign of mortality. I had friends who were disgusted in me, one who even physically pushed me away from me and started screaming. It just made me want to do it more, now I'm three years in and Freshman year has started me on the downward spiral again.

Get some f**king help,dude. Seriously.
Get some help.You are one sick little
puppy.

OK, this is probably gonna sound stupid, but:
to those of you who cut yourselves, have you ever considered a kind of halfway? I mean piecrings and/or tattoos. If you go to a reputable place it's at least as safe as cutting yourself at home, you still get pain, and you have something to show for it afterwards.
Hell, if you want, i'll even do you a unique tattoo design (free =+), just ask. I can show you two examples of what i can do - one that's actually in place and one that's a rough design.

Cutting already is halfway - between suffering in wretched silence, and killing whoever it is that's causing the suffering.

i meant halfway as in you still get the pain but it's not so dangerous. If the pain is therapeutic, why does it have to be from self-inflicted cuts? Why would e.g. getting a huge tattoo done not suffice/ although i admit i hadn't thought of the cost factor. Plus the fact that you only have a limited amount of skin on which to get tattoos, and unless you go for a 5-year one, it'll last most or all of your life.
Anyway it was just an idea, because i don't know if anyone in that situation has ever considered such an alternative.

Jadester,
I have thirteen peirceings and one tattoo, if I had more money I would have more, and yes the peircings at least were a good deferent for a little while, but peircings heal, so do tattoos, they were more a way of caring for myself than a release...
Smoking ciggarretes was a good deferant but my roomate forced me to stop, cause thats bad for you too.

i have started to cut when i was 12 im now 14 yrs i have several cuts or slashes on my arm i dont know why i do this i think it because my mom says im wothless and my dad beats me

i have started to cut when i was 12 im now 14 yrs i have several cuts or slashes on my arm i dont know why i do this i think it because my mom says im worthless and my dad beats me

Amber, please get help - talk to someone you trust at school: teacher, counselor, etc.

"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. - Johnny Cash (NIN)
I think that can really say something about why people may hurt themselves, I guess if you let is build up with no outlet than everything gets numb...

im 15 and a week away from being a sophmore. ive cut since i was in 6th grade. i dont really think its bad to do and i hate always feeling sad but i cant stand it when im happy; its like im making myself be happy and smile. im seeing a teacher that is trying to help me but whenever he talks to me he makes me feel stupid and that i only want attention. I know that some people think "cutters" should find a half way but im not allowed to get tattoos or piercings....

Eric Olsen, i know you told Amber to tell someone and get help but trust me, it isnt that easy. it isnt something you want people to know. people tell you that they wont judge you but you know they do. they talk to you like ur suicidal and shit. it sucks. people can tell you that its easy to stop and all you have to do it try, trust me they are stupid, it isnt that easy

Why don't all of you pathetic ass little
attention seeking fucksticks just go and
kill yourselves or shut the fuck up.

Nobody and I do mean NOBODY could give a shit about ya,you sorry fucking little
retards. Go tell a priest or a rabbi or
call the suicide hotline. This ain't the
crybaby anonymous site.

yeah. That's exactly the attitude that's gonna do them good. honest.

hey hey hey,

fuck you, burn in hell you little fucker. if you died everyone would fucking laugh, i dont see any of these people crying, do you! this site is for people who need to express their feelings. if you dont like it dont fucking visit it you fucking idiot!

Quick question:

I posted this one over two months ago, and yet I still receive a new response from a new poster every few days.

Obviously, people are finding this post from a search engine. But that are the key words they are using?

I checked the obvious "self-mutilation" on Google, and came up with nothing on the first page.

Can anyone point me in the direction of where all this traffic is coming from?

Thanks in advance...

I don't know but would guess it's keyed off the word "cutters."

Megan, I don't think it's "easy" but I think it's serious enough that you do what you have to do to stop. Self-destruction is never a positive, helpful, healthy or life-affirming thing to do. I know it's always easier from the outside, but I have four children of my own and would do whatever I could to help them - try trusting your parents would be my first recommendation. I would certainly want to know.

Wow alot of people posted to this.

Ok here's the story.
I was once a "cutter", as it is called now, we didn't have a name for us back then. Most people who "cut", do not tell other people, they hide it as best they can. It is a shameful thing to do in most people's eyes who do it.

I was thinking quite clearly back when I as doing it, there is no rational reason for it releasing pain, but it does work wonders.I'm not advocating it in anyway i'm just saying it does release built up pressure for some reason.

It is not as dangerous as one may think either. Most people simply cut the top layers of skin. VERY few people actually mangle themselves up and cause any damage, save scars.

I stopped for the simple reason that it seemed to stupid to be doing. With no rational reason for it, why do it?

The world is not an extremly pleasant place for alot of people, so telling depressed teens it is won't help them for shit. Im older now and still see the world's sicknesses, and i don't run around telling the sad teens of the world that it will be alright.... maybe it won't be. As far as im concerned, if you don't see the sadness in the world your missing something. Pain is not a fixable problem, it is often a rational response to the environment that is the world.

All of that may be perfectly tue, but what does tha have to do with slicing and dicing oneself? The notion that life is frought with pain is hardly novel: the Hindu and Buddhist traditions are founded on the "insight" that life is pain, however I am unaware of any serious school of thought that suggests self-mutilation is the path to transcendence.

Sorry E.O.,

not trying to convey any brilliant idea here, or advocate it in any way.

Just thought i'd offer prospective from someone who was once in this position and no longer is.

And i wasn't suggesting it to be novel, i thought i clearly stated it was stupid (lazy-word), and not in the best interest of people, guess you missed that.

There seem to be two types of "cutters" in the world. Those that dabble in it as a way of releasing some sort of pain [the cynic in me is having a HARD time not going off on them] and those that suffer from a compulsion to cut themselves. The former seems to be yet another angst-ridden fad of youth [if you can stop on a dime, you probably WERE doing it for attention -- whoops, the cynic slipped out!], while the latter is a symptom of real mental illness.

Kudd, not trying to single you out or give you a hard time, sorry, and very glad you were able to reason your way out of it, just very concerned about these kids and don't want to give them any "excuse."

Apropos of nada:

Abusing yourself for cash: does that make you a professional?

When I was in Junior High, there was a little 'game' where you had to wrap a dollar bill around your forearm and burn a hole through it with a cigarette. If the hole appeared before you screamed in pain, you got the dollar.

...which, of course, no one ever did.

But there were more than a few morons walking around school with multiple little circular burn scars on their arms.

(Too bad we couldn't have had a game where you try to retrieve a dollar bill from a spinning airplane propeller. There might be less urban sprawl in my area.)

but there are different reasons why people may choose to endure pain. For example, look at professional fighters - undoubtedly some of them enjoy feeling pain but others simply put up with it because the importance of their ambition to them is greater than that of the pain. Or for other reasons. And so on.
I would certainly say self-harm is one of those many human problems that does not have a simple, catch-all answer.

"Real" cutters don't choose to endure pain. They have a compulsion to do it, and they need lots and lots of professional help to learn to fight that compulsion and stop hurting themselves.

Now, Shark's buddies might just have needed the money. He's alluded to his relative age before, so I can only imagine how much a dollar could buy back in his day. ;-)

i have a question.i started cutting myself with razorblades i popped out of my moms razor. i would cut myself but i wouldnt bleed it was more like a glorified paper cut.other times i would use safety pins and scratch at myself but again i wouldnt bleed.am i considered a self mutilater even though i dont do severe cutting?

Just stop doing it and you won't have to worry about it.

"The first cut is the deepest ..."

Oh, sorry. I thought this was the Sheryl Crow thread. My mistake.

No, seriously though, cutting is a sign of severe emotional trauma and usually severe physical or sexual abuse. It's not as simple as saying "don't do it" because these kids resort to such a primitive means of letting out their pain because they feel such profound pain in their lives. They need immediate counseling and support. It's partly a cry for help, but much more than that and not as easy to dismiss.

And even more seriously, I saw Sheryl Crow in the check-in line at the United Terminal at LAX recently. I saw her from the back first and I was like "that short chick has on OK ass" and then she was being scanned over by the security folks (happens often to any even remotely hot woman) and I was like "oh, but her face is a little past her prime." I decided it wasn't worth the effort. And then I was all, "wait a minute ... that's Sheryl Crow." Moral of the story, my little cutters, is that even though she's past her prime, I'd probably still throw her a bang because of who she is. But then she probably has Kid Rock STDs, which means maybe Pam Anderson hep as well. Know what I'm sayin?

You old folks gotta know how to talk to the youth. See this comment as an example on how to represent.

Peace.

ROTFL...

ive counted the scars on my arms and legs and i have about 27 of them... some of them are really bad! im getting a lot better at not cutting but recently i did a cut that was about 1/4 inch deep... it was crazy! my moms been asking me why i always were long sleeves in summer...like im gunna tell her the trush...yeah right!... i have a pretty good life and my brother and sister are always happy. if my parents found out they would blam themselfs. i dont wants that... plus they cant spare the money to send me to get help...

i got hit in the arm the other day and a few of my scars.. in cluding a really bad one from a pretty bad cut... turned black...the skin inbetween didnt bruse, just some of the scars... is that normal? plus even before the big scar brused it always hurt... is that normal?

some one please answer to this...

Nikki, please go to your parents and then the doctor and address this issue directly - your parents must know and you aren't doing them or yourself any favors by keeping it secret. Seriously.

This is a really creepy thread. Eric, you were wondering about why BC might be filtered by some workplaces and this thread is full of stuff that would throw a filtering program into a frenzy.

eric olsen,

it isnt as easy as just telling ur parents..... its too scary! plus to add to it my mom works at a place where they help people like ... well like me, or sick in the head, and stuff like that. she always says how lucky and greatful her and my dad are for having kids that they have....ones that they think are always happy and stuff...

R J Elliot

what does ROTFL... mean?

Roy Orbison taught Frank little...

Rolling On The Floor Laughing

Republicans Ordinarily Treat Flatulence Libidinally?

ROTFL at Pam Anderson because she's old enough to know better. However she was Canadian until recently.

ROTFL in the USA ROTFL in the USA eh hey, Rock'n the USA. An old John Cougar song.

Maybe this will cheer you up:
Q: What is the difference between Al Franken and a refrigerator ?

A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out! LOL, ROTFL!

RE: Comment #57. Is this some kind of a veiled reference to Mr.Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet???

TDavid, I can see that!

Nikki, I didn't say it was easy, I just said you have to do it. They'll still love you and the longer you wait, the harder it will be. Please trust them and tell them.

Stately Wayne, good one.

joke...

a blond goes into work in tears one day. her boss asks her whats wrong. she replys "i just received a phone call that my mother died today". her boss then pats her on the back and tells her to go home and try and feel better. the blond tells him that she would rather stay at work and keep her mind off the matter. her boss says okay and tells her he'll check on her later. 20 minutes later he walks into her office to see her in tears. he runs to her side and asks her whats wrong. she looks up and him, tears streaming down her face and replys "i just got a call from my sister, HER mother died today too!"

not to sound rude but what would i say? "hey mom, i use to cut myself. im a lot better at not doing it now but i cant wear short sleeve shirts or shorts because some of the scars are so bad. oh that the ones that are black are because i got hit in the arm and they wont change back color."?

do you know any thing i can do to make the scars fade away? im going to Mexico in a week and i cant wear short sleeve shirts.. i dont know what to do!

depends on the kinds of scars they are. A dermatologist can be very helpful but there are some over the counter lotions that can help with healing old scars. They won't make them go away but they may help them look a little bit better.

Be well.

~Tekkie~

eric
i told my parents. i wish i hadnt. they went physco on me! i feel like shit right now! theyre putting me in therapy. and they are giving me a drug and alcohol test, which is stupid cause ill pass them!
i wish i felt better right now but life sucks for me at this point!

Nikki, you did the right thing - of course they're upset, but they will get over that and be glad you told them. Also, even though you are upset that they are upset, deep down you know you did the right thing and now you can move in a positive direction. At some level you know you are relieved.

YOu did the right thing - I am proud of you. Give your parents a little time. Best of luck to you and them.

Nikki,

Your parents are probably scared, but I'm sure you are a lil bit too. That's why they're suspicious about drugs and alcohol, since they don't know all that you've probably been through. Keep in mind they're doing the best they can to help you even if they don't always understand the specifics of your situation.

The therapist will be able to help you deal with all the pain you've felt in your life. Work through all that stuff and get better. Don't worry about money or what anyone else thinks; just do what you need to do to make your life happier and so you can feel better about yourself. You say you have a pretty good life, so I'm sure you'll be able to do that if you work at it. Plus, the things you talk to your therapist about will almost always be confidential, so don't worry about your parents freaking out about your thoughts and feelings. Just open up to your therapist and trust the people that can help you.

There are lots of things worth living for, like Mexico :)

I lost some of these comments amidst all the bad jokes and didn't see this again until now, but good job handling it for the people who responded responsibly.

Good luck, Nikki.

k i think that my parents are taking it crazy! they are making me go to a psychiatrist cause they think that i need medication too. they tore my room appart looking for n e thing bad, they make me sleep in their room with them at night, from now on i have to wear shorts and t-shirts, i cant listen to n e music other than christian cause it might be a bad influence, they called all my friends parents and made my show them all my arms and legs so they would check over thier kids and see if they were doing it (now that was none of my parents freaking business right there!), they wont let me shave in the shower unless its infont of them, i have to quit my job, hmm n e thing else? theres so many things its hard to remember them all *eye roll*....

Bob A. Booey, thank you for helping to support me! i really appreciate it more then you know!

Eric Olsen, thank you so much for helping me through this for so long! that was a HUGE help and a big encouragement. thank you so much!

I know it all seems like it sucks right now, but you did the right thing, your parents will come to trust you again, and you all will be much better off because you told them. Like I said, I am proud of you and very relieved you are moving in the right direction.

You did it yourself, we didn't do anything but encourage you. Thank YOU.

Some of you are pathetic, misundertood and close minded. How can you possibly be able to commeny openly on how incredibly sick it is for one to cut themselves, when you can't even start to put yourself into their situation?!
I myself have been a self-injurer/self-mutilator/cutter/burner/skin picker for over 2 years. I began hurting myself as i have had a hard life and i can't control my emotions, so i hurt myself physically to cope with the emotional pain.
It is not suicidal in the least. I hurt myself as do others, as a way of NOT commiting suicide! This is a coping mechanism, it is the wrong way of coping but its ours.
Now at the age of 18, I have been diagnosed with depression, SIB, and other mental disorders that contribute to my behaviour. I've been put on miltiple SSRI's and ave been getting psychotherapy. It's helped bit my road to recovery isn't instant, its going to be greulling and emotionally draining.
I really hope some of you open your eyes to the possibilities of why people do this. It is not a sick behaviour that should be ignored and looked down on rather it should be awknowledged and understood.

eric,

i have a friend that might be pregnant. if she is then she is going to take off to california and not tell anyone. she asked me to go with her.... i know your going to tell me "dont go, it isnt the right thing to do, your jsut having a tough time with your parents right now but trust me, it does get better" but if my friend is pregnant no matter what i am leaving with her.....i mean how bad could it be?..... right?¿

Nikki, you know the answer: don't mess up your own life just because your friend intends to. She should find out if she is or if she isn't, tell her parents, decide what to do about it with them, and go from there. What can possibly be gained by two young girls without an education, no employable skills, and one of them pregnant going to California? It makes no sense whatsoever.

Running away helps nothing and just delays the inevitable. You know all this.

eric

my friend took her test. she isnt pregnant. i still want to take off tho. your right that it would be hard but it wouldnt be that bad. she has a bunch of older friends that live down there and i have family..... but i guess what you said is better. it always seems to be..... damn now that i think of it i am a pretty stupid person if i always wanna do the wrong thing....

You're not stupid at all, Nikki. Don't think that way. Respecting yourself is an important part of feeling better.

I know it seems like you have a lot to deal with, but part of doing the right thing is dealing with it the right way. Running away to Cali won't change your problems and it'll just create more problems. Stay at home, focus on school, and get your life together so you feel better about yourself. Then you can go wherever you want for college and have something productive in your life you can work toward so you can control your own future. Tough it out and trust your instincts in doing what's right. Running away to Cali might seem easy now, but it'll make your life much harder (trust me) and you might regret that choice for years to come. Focus on being a kid, enjoy life as much as you can, and work on making things better at home. Keep up with the counseling and the other stuff even if it seems like your folks don't understand. I'm sure they'll try to do their best to help you and you need to make sure you help yourself so that you can have a good future you're in control of without the bad feelings you've had.

Good luck.

eric,

thanks for your input, its nice to see other peoples views about stuff too.

its stupid, i cant go to the only counciling/therapy clinic that we have here where i live because my mom works there and they dont allowed employes family members to go there. she tells me that means we eather have to drive a few hours to another town to go somewhere or go to a private councilor. i dont see the point in me going, my mom says i have to go cause if i wont talk to her or my dad about whats going on in my life and stuff then i have to talk to someone. she also said that since im under 18 and they are my parents then they have the right for the councilor to tell them everything that we talk about.... is the councilor allowed to do that?

i have a scar on my arm that is really big. its really pink and really soar and has been pretty much the whole time ive had it, is it possible for a scar to be infected? if so, how do you know if it is?

Nikki, it depends on the law of your state. ASK THE COUNSELOR. They will tell you the truth about what will be shared with your parents.

One of my daughters was talking to a counselor and I told the counselor I wanted her to let my daughter have complete confidentiality even though my daughter had not asked. As things got worse, though, I butted in and found out that the counselor had gotten some facts wrong and was suggesting some things that were making it harder on my daughter. I made a different suggestion, which we did, and that particular problem which had lasted for months went away in a week. No exaggeration.

That's why they bring the parents in with people under 18.

Nikki, certainly it's possible your scar is infected under the skin. Go to the doctor, since your parents know now, tell them and they will get you to the doctor. Your first instinct is to escape. Fight that and you will make the right decisions. Involve your parents even if they don't seem sympathetic, by involving them they will be more sympathetic and they will come to trust you, which I think is what you really want. Do not try to run away form your problems: no matter where you go, there you are.

And if you are still around BAB, very good advice, thanks.

Once upon a time, i too had this here affliction what causes one for to do the nasty upon the arms and so on. Lonely time, man. Thank god, though, turned out it was on account of the "drink-addiction" and what not. Memories of this lonely-time (which, incidentally, was filled with beautiful, supportive people) are not something i like to dwell on (it was about four years ago), so i ain't gonna say another damn word, but Nikki, these things pass. It don't seem like it now, but they do.
And Eric and the rest, you have been brilliant throughout this discussion. I been keeping an eye from the sidelines.

wow i didnt know that this many people read what i wrote.....
i am under 18 but my mom dsnt have to go to the sessions with me, i dont know why tho....
it sucks, all my friends are now getting cought for cutting and they are all blaming me because i was the first one. none of them will talk to me and its stupid! it isnt like i went and told their parents! i know that i should be open with my parents but i really dont want to, whenever i am all they do is make fun and call me scar-body or say that i am depressed, which i am not.....
geeze! things just get worse for me. how long do i wait for them to get better?

p.s, thank you so much to everyone that talks to me, its nice to have people to talk to since my friends are all mad at me and my family thinks im psycho. you all give really good advice and it really does help!

Nikki, we are very glad you have continued to share with us - that is brave of you. Your parents shouldn't make fun of you but remember they are just people and they are very worried about you - perhaps they don't show it as well as they might.

And re your friends, YOU know you didn't turn them in, you just made everyone more aware of the situation by telling your parents about your situation. That isn't your fault and I hope your friends will realize this - if not then they aren't real friends.

I'm sure things seem harder now than they did before, but you know they are better.

If you keep facing your problems directly they will become less and less frightening.

Tell your parents it hurts your feelings when they make fun of you.

Thanks Duke, but none of it would make any difference if Nikki hadn't chosen to listen.

nikki, have you tried using writing or drawing or painting as an outlet for emotions? it doesn't have to be any good, hell you don't have to share it with anyone, but often just the act of donig it can help. Kind of like what i think you are saying the cutting does for you...

Nikki:

If your friends are doing it too and you know how painful your experiences have been, it's your responsibility to get help and set a good example for them. I know being a kid is tough, but you really need to protect them as much as you need to protect yourself.

Get your scar looked at, especially if it becomes painful or discolored. And don't make any new ones since it's likely those will be infected too.

It's really too bad that your parents make jokes like "scar body" but you have to realize that you've made them realize how important the situation is, even if they don't handle it in as mature a way as you seem to. Confidentiality laws wouldn't prevent another counselor from seeing you at your mom's workplace -- they'd just mean that your mom couldn't be your primary counselor and that her co-workers couldn't discuss your treatment with her. I'm a little surprised she's not more helpful given her work in the psychology field. If that's not an option, by all means get private counseling. Tell your parents how important it is to you -- if money's an issue, many private therapists will work out deals for kids like you who need help but don't have a lot of money.

Your mom shouldn't go inside your counseling sessions with you -- it should just be you and the therapist where you can be completely open and honest. It's OK if she drives you back and forth, but the therapist does not and should not have to discuss what you talked about with your parents. It's almost entirely confidential, so tell them everything that's troubling you. They're bound by the law to protect confidentiality -- they may discuss things like medication or treatment with your mom afterwards, but they won't talk about your secrets with anyone unless it's absolutely necessary. There's no shame in being depressed or treated -- lots of normal people feel unhappy in their lives and just need to talk to someone with professional experience to feel better about their lives and get control.

I'm fairly sure most of your life you've had to grow up fast and take a lot of responsibility you shouldn't have had to due to the stresses of your childhood. That's not fair to you, but I'm sure it's made you stronger than most people could ever understand. You just need to take that inner strength and rely on it a little bit more so you don't hurt yourself. Cutting won't help you deal with your problems; it'll just make the feelings more hurtful and damaging to you. I know you're angry at your parents and maybe some other people too, but you need to try and be productive in getting the help you want rather than fighting with them right now. You have to be the adult since they haven't been able to protect you as well as you needed. It's important that you protect yourself and feel better about yourself so that you can protect and help your friends. It's your responsibility to make sure that your friends don't continue to hurt themselves and feel bad about themselves -- you know how hard that is and you have to make sure you're healthy so that you can be strong for them and make their lives happier.

Take care.

Nikki, I haven't read any of these posts lately, but I just caught up today as a response appeared on the main board. O man, I refer to comments #71 and #74.

Your parents are desperate. Desperation, as in not knowing what to do. I mean, you are too, so you've got a case of desperation feeding itself. But, oh man, ramming Christian music down your throat? Christ!!! They are doing a great job of screwing you up!!! I'm not kidding, pulling out some old Nirvana records (for example) and mashing your head really loud on headphones would do much more for you in a sense of positive therapy. I can see why you want to run.

But don't run! No matter were you go, you are still there. You cannot run from yourself. But then again, your home environment is a problem. Just like drug addicts staying away from people and places that would feed the addict, you need at least a change of environment. That doesn't mean leaving home. I mean that the whole family needs a comprehensive overhaul.

Or then, i dunno, perhaps do the boarding school thing. At least it gives you a chance to be away from an unhealthy environment for your head and you can focus and do well in the education thing, just to do it. And you will be glad you did as you get older. Like a year out of school you'll figure that it was good to learn. The street doesn't really teach you much of any value. Trust me.

Guidance mon, as some of my reggae posse might say.

peaceloveguidance

to all

wow there are so many people joining in..... this is cool!

i went to my councilor today. yeah hes annoying! he dsnt talk to you like a person but more like a crazy patient. like the movie freaky friday "why did you do it" "......." "oh really, and how do those situations make you feel" "......" "do you have anythings else you could do as an alternative?" "......" "and how do those make you feel".
he did that the entire time! then he said that i am depressed and need medication..... hes a dork! what does it do if you take depression medication when you dont need it?

even if i sign on and i dont really have any questions to ask anyone can i still like talk to you all just to talk? i dont really have anyone else i can talk to.

Nikki:

Ah shit, your counselor sure sounds like a garden variety of useless counsel. Oh man, just because they have a degree from somewhere does not mean they are worth a shit. This one counselor my wife had was a fucking moron. I could not believe how retarded she was and the advice she was giving! All for $80/hr.!!!!!

OK, Nikki, in my day the concept of "question authority" was a standard. Yes, be careful.

OK, I have a 14 y.o. daughter, she lives with her mom a half hour south of me. But I am a hands on dad. We talk daily, see her alot (she'll stay with me whenever possible to get away from her mom). I was once in the medical care industry before career in the music industry took off. So I have a very inside view of the state of human care.

Anyway, my kid is cool. I have her going to a private school, is on the honor role, plays keyboards, is totally cool (not a nerd or dork but says she is...). When we would watch Bevis and Butthead when she was 4, she figured the whole thing out right away. I'll get her backstage for cool shows or something, she has traveled the world. Life with her mom is quite, uh, not ideal. She retaliates by throwing and breaking shit. Her mom sure doesn't understand. Alot of parents nowadays sure have their heads up their ass as I meet some of her friends folks. Some are cool, though. But some are sure anal and hung up.

Anyway, with my hardcore medical field experience, I have sure learned that a good therapist/counselor is not easy to find. Just because they are in the phonebook doesn't mean they are worth a shit. Oh god, I have way too much experience in that angle of the field.

OK, OK, I am just ranting away at the injustice of treatment of youth. Like this counselor has some power of opinion in legal matters. The guy/gal sounds like a moron. Anyone who is halfway decent would be able to figure out something that made sense to you every session.

Like, for instance, my wife and I have a marriage counselor. She is really good! She can see through the bullshit and say something of epiphany value every session. Even if you are maniacally crazed, a good counselor should get through to you in some way every time.

I wouldn't think you would need meds based on the vibe and information I see at this time. Before you get in that department alot of evaluation with highly qualified people would be a start.

At the same time, be open to these people, but it sounds like you aren't even given a chance with the people you are dealing with at this time. Sometimes you can get railroaded into bullshit diagnosis.

OK, I am just ranting, but I am sure sensitive to your situation. I'm a 46 y.o. dad, and I sure haven't forgotten what it is like to go through the trip that is being put on you.

peaceloveguidance

Nikki:

OK, I was blowing some steam. But your parents are desparate, they don't know what to do. They are in a mindset that sure doesn't get it. There is a reason for you hacking on yourself. Something inside you is saying something. Your folks or counselor just don't speak that language.

OH!!! get to a doc and have the scars looked at. A dose of antibiotics or something because it could get ugly if not treated.

Anyway, have faith in the process of human events (I'm not talking the God thing, I'm talking about finding the positive energy source in yourself). Then again, in the course of human events, life can be one long and costly indignity. Reach inside, something positive is floatin' around in there, somewhere. Never give up, never.

Well, at least you have a computer to communicate with. Alot of people are leaving good advice. Only bits and pieces will fit into your psyche, but all the people on Blogcritics seem to be providing the parts. Good of you to find this tool to find some guidance.

peaceloveguidance

just from what ive read here it sounds like nikki is the only person who comes to this website that has problems. isnt there anyone else out there that could use some advice?

nikki, your parents love you and only want whats best for you. whoever is counciling you should give you more evaluations to figure out what you need. it is probably not medication. you should try different things. sports, art, reading, hanging with friends, anything that will help keep you active and will do you a world of good.

take care, i wish you the best

to all,

i really dont think i need medication. but hey it could be fun taking it :P just kidding.
i cant do sports or anything, i work at a restaurant. i am the only busser they have that is really good so they work me all the time! my schedule almost everyday is...

12:00pm-2:55pm work
3:00pm-4:30pm counciling
5:30pm-11:10pm work again
then i go home and go to bed....
i never have time to do anything else. it sucks!

N, take care of your own needs first, not the place where you work - you may be working too much.

And why are you so sure you are not depressed?

Nikki:

OK, I see what you are talking about. I spent some time ranting on my other comments. That was all due to a pickle I see some youth jammed up in, in their lives of modern America.

Well, I can say one thing, you have drive and energy. You work your ass off. Do you get any days off from this schedule? And the problem is that sometimes this sort of schedule can mask deeper feelings. Ones that you may not be aware of at your developing age.

Example (since it was brought up): depression. When I was a late teen I worked (medical assistant), played sports (mens league soccer) and hung out alot (movies, concerts, high-powered pot and many available chemicals). I kept going. Never missed work. I was a driven type guy. I was one of those honor students and lettered in 3 sports and hung out with the art students. When I bagged my pre-med in college (I really didn't like what I saw in the future of medicine) I got lost in life. What am I gonna do? Then it creeped up on me one night. I tried offing myself. Then I tried again. Big time, got hauled to the ER, hospitalized, all that good stuff. Sure, after the first try it was time for the psychologist and some anti-depressants, which I was not into. I'm a bonehead, I figured I could fix my own mind.

Yeah, the second time I got sent out of state to stay with my Grandma. She needed help around her home, she was cool. It was a change in environment. The second time I describe as 'breaking on thru' (like the Door's song implies).

What I'm trying to say is that I knew that things were fucked up and confused in my mind, but I accepted it and just thought that it was just a normal part of life. Sure it is, if something is eating you from the inside. And you know, it really comes down to the love thing. Complex, I won't get into that now. It was the 70's and I hated the concept of plastic people all around me. I couldn't find real love in this world.

Anyway, that was all good. It took some time for the rage to subside. OK, being from the Northwest, I brought some of our killer pot to Ohio. This is back in the 70's and could outplay anyone on the local college soccer team. So, I was in with a new group of people. I bought a decent guitar and finally took lessons beyond basic major chords and keys. Part of what helped was that I had a ton of money saved up from my work. I was gonna ask, do you have a bit saved up from your job? Put a bit away, sounds like you might need a 'nest egg' in this upcoming part of your life.

Anyway, I did not take meds. I just set out to re-wire my brain in a confused world and self. Cool, after 6 months in Ohio I felt it was time to head back to Seattle and find my groove. Lucky enuf, I get a job at a collectors record store (I was always heavy into music, I spent a fortune on records all thru my life and studied everything about them, label, producer, sales figures, etc...). Just when the real Seattle scene was developing and taking off (I'll post an article about it all soon, keep an eye out!). I then realized that music management was actually a thing that is a legit career. And there is no college for it! You just got to hop in and study any book you can and train yourself. Well, if you want to be a music attorney, lots of college... One thing led to another and life is cool.

It took about 2 years to have the suicide thing work itself out. The good thing is that I ain't ever going there again! My brain has a solid anti-depression fortress built up. ALSO!!! THIS IS IMPORTANT, by finding that source of positive energy inside, you grasp the ability to gravitate the answers to you. Sometimes you don't even realize when it comes to you. It is a case of not looking too hard in desparation. Let it flow. It will come if you keep driving the positive energy source.

Everything I'm saying has nothing to do with the God thing. I don't have a clue about any religious thing, false idol worship, etc. I am way spiritual, but that is just being in touch with living energy.

OK, OK, OK!!!! Next is the whole psychological trip you are going thru. MEDS???? Look out!!! OK, psych meds can be cool, but a misguided diagnosis by some so called 'professional' could really mess you up. Before you get any meds thrown at you like jelly beans, get a very accurate evaluation!!!! Do you really have some congenital, uh, mental illness (for lack of a better term)? Mis-wired brain. Psych meds are very specific to the condition. Maybe you have that bi-polar or any pile of specific conditions in which the specific medicine (Depakote, Zyprexa, Geodon, etc...) can be dialed in.

BUT I DON'T THINK YOU NEED ANY MEDS AT THIS POINT. NOT ENUF EVALUATION TO SUCH CONDITIONS HAS GONE INTO YOU. I WOULD SAY YOU NEED A RECESS!!!! Like me, if you have a relative that is cool you could hang with somewhere else really boring like works sometimes. Let your brain rest. It needs time to gel and sort out everything that has gone into it. Otherwise you may never find yourself.

OK. Go to www.cdbaby.com/X-15 and click on the song entitled 'Recess' (all the songs really are tough, but this punk ballad has a message you might take to). Also, read this: www.scn.org/realpoetik/12cautnw.html because it is a mind blast so far out that it helps loosen up the mind a bit. I'm a computer retard and don't know how to insert these websites so you can just click on it. So, get a pencil, write it down, then enter it... I'm a computer retard...

OK Nikki, that is a sample of my advice based on real life experience. If any piece of my yammering makes any sense to you, use it. Sometimes the bum sitting on the bus can say that one thing that makes a world of sense. Anyway, best to you, life is actually a real cool thing. You just gotta keep drivin the road of life....

blah, blah blah.....

peaceloveguidance

Oh yeah, Nikki, I read up on all your posted comments. Hhhmmm... the money issue and the cost of doctors. Yeah, refer to my post saying why I bagged pre-med.

OK, both wife and I have some serious medical complications and have some pretty extreme medical bills on a continuous basis.

How we get by? got to do the state and federal thing. Medicare, Medicaid and your local DSHS medical coupons. Wow. My Medicare card is like a national credit card for health concerns. It ROCKS! I can pull into any hospital in the country and get medical attention. Just pull out the card and viola! Better than Visa or MasterCard!

I worry that with your work schedule and therapy schedule and lack of parental money---that makes me suspect that you are working just to pay a therapist. I may be wrong, may be right, could be black, could be white. Sorry, just quoting some Johnny Rotten lyrics.

Anyway, since your mental health is being questioned and 'they' want to throw pills at you, time to go hit the state and feds up for money to get you back on track of feeling human.

peaceloveguidance

OK, I was just thinking... you have a physical medical condition (slashing) caused by a "mental" medical condition (yer not 'crazy', don't worry...). GO GET SOME S.S.I.!!!!

You need a break, not to be bothered. Ah shit, gotta finish that school thing also it seems like. I really endorse that fact. It may help the brain 'gel'.

cool,
peaceloveguidance

Douglas,

While I appreciate your interesting story, I'm not sure it's the best path for most of us to follow, particularly a young person like Nikki.

While it's certainly true that some doctors aren't the best and that you can help yourself figure things out, the best way to work things out in your own head is to talk them over with a trained professional. Give your current therapist some time and if you really don't feel like they're understanding your needs or that you can open up to them, just find another until you get the right fit.

Working hard shows that you're a responsible, smart kid and there's a reason they value you at your job. Try not to over-work yourself, though. Find time for something fun that makes you feel good about yourself, whether it's watching the Simpsons or listening to music (no goth, though ... j/k) with your friends or driving with the windows down while singing some crappy song to the radio.

I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel you have anyone to talk to, so feel free to talk with these folks. They talk about a lot of random stuff so I'm sure they won't mind. Just keep in mind that you have to take some advice with a grain of salt (like the interesting stories Douglas told). Not everyone's experiences are the same as yours, which is why it's important for you to work on getting better since only you know the specifics of your own life.

Good luck.

Everything after that first paragraph was written toward Nikki, not Douglas, by the way. Forgot to make a separate notation.

to all,

what is S.S.I?
no i dont get days off the work schedule. no i am not working to pay the therapist/councilor. Sorry everyone but ive read and re-read and where on here did i paste that my family has money problems? my parents are mad at how much it will cost but damn ppl we rnt poor!

yeah my councilor hasnt given me any real evaluations. he just made me take a stupid written out test thing and it said im depressed. its retarted! what does it do if i take pills that i dont need?

Nikki, I ask again, why are you so sure that you aren't depressed and that medication wouldn't be of help?

I don't know what SSI is.

Nikki and you all:

Good, thank you for clearing that up. Get what I'm doing? You told me a bit of what is going on. As I said I 'suspected'. I got an answer. One of those things needed to provide solution.

And yes, the therapist thing I'm not sure of. I am just the type when psych pills are being thrown at you I would get a second opinion, for sure. Are Prozac or any other psych meds the answer? They don't work unless you really want to not be depressed as the pill is perscribed to do. Have you thought about suicide?

And yes, do pay attention when I said that a heavy work load can mask your true feelings. You are too busy to be aware of what is going on sometimes. Trust me on that one.

And your folks are laying a trip on you for whatever is going on inside of you. Slasher jokes (hey, it is their way of dealing with what is going on with their beloved daughter) and bringing up how much the therapist costs.

Anyway, desperation. Not knowing what to do. Quite a thing going on your way. I didn't mean to imply that your folks are poor, but like my folks (who have money up the ass) they can be frugal and draw the line at some point. I am learning where your folks draw that line.

And as I said, alot of people are giving you advice, but only you know what makes sense in the gears of the machine of your mind. Remember, that bum mumbling to himself on the bus may say something of importance...

So, everybody trying to give Nikki advice, good. But as I stress to Nikki, listen to everything but only some little snippets of advice will fit into the logic of defeating this situation that has got you down. Wanting to solve the problem does alot more than anti-depressants. But nikki, shit, sure thing, take them, what the hell. Give it a whirl. Prozac won't screw you up too bad, But some of the other pills I talked (mood stabilizers, schitzo disorder) about have some heavy side effects. Anti-depressants aren't that heavy duty.

I may have or may not have provided solutions, but no way am I trying to tell you what to do. All I'm doing is throwing content into the mind computer, Nikki. Let your mind process the information. Me changing my environment I didn't really get at first, but I said "hhhmmm..., couldn't hurt". Then it ended up being really cool. My folks came up with that one. I love my folks, home life was never any problem. Plus, old man is an Boeing dude so that whole engineering logic comes into play. They didn't freak out, they just went "hhhmmm...how to solve this dilemma?"

So, to get a picture? I'm not telling you what to do, nor could I as there are so many elements to be reviewed in such a situation to make a practical solution. We, as readers, don't have the needed information to try telling you what the answer is. All we can do is give a ballpark opinion. Man, I have a zillion questions to really come up with a comprehensive plan. All I can do is provide personal experience, some of which might ring a bell in your situation.

A MESSAGE TO ALL, I will be hardcore about this aspect. Psychological evaluation. Very tricky. Be real astute about that whole game. The brain 'disorders' are very specific and a slight error in diagnosis will fuck you up only worse. Then the therapist can just say "oh, she is really..." to mask their lack of success in treatment.

I question your therapist because it sounds like a one way conversation to me. You got some licensed professional trying to tell you what you are. As the WHO sang on the 'Quadrophenia" album: "Can't you see the real me, doctor, doctor?"

It really takes alot of you also. Alot of times he may ask you something, and heck, you just throw out an answer even though you haven't really been able to analyse the complexities of the question. Yet he takes that throw out answer and writes it in his notes and makes a judgement. See what I'm getting at? Don't you feel like you are being railroaded by the therapist?
And (correct me if I'm wrong) this dude is a psycholgist, not a psychiatrist. That limits what kind of perscriptions can be handed out.

If you are getting into the 'meds' game I would recomend 1) have your therapist ($80/hr) to talk to and try to make sense of the situation you are in 2) have a psychiatrist ($200/hr) do the work in dialing in the proper meds and dosages, if you need any.

Remember, the brain is a very powerful unit and with desire you have the ability to steer it in the right direction. Maybe some proper meds to kick start the healing.

From what I see right now, I don't think it is just you, Nikki. It would be good if your folks got some professional advice on how to deal with it. It takes alot more comprehensive approach to beating the situation.

Anyway, I'm not being rightous and telling you what to do. But I do stick to what I say in a basic overall sense. If any of this sticks to your mind, good! Alot of what anyone will say will fly right by. That is cool. Your brain right now is playing connect the dots.

best,
peaceloveguidance

Oh, SSI = Social Sucurity Insurance or then there is SSD = Social Security Disability. A government thing. Some money to help you have a life type thing...

peaceloveguidance

Nikki:

Take a look at comment #15 by Tom Johnson. Is this accurate in your case? Seems like it could be seeing that you are experiencing some control issues, I guess.

Anyway, you might understand why I question the therapsits. Maladies of the brain are very specific. They say you are depressed. Maybe, but that is just a symptom of the reality behind the depression.

It must be fustrating to you because the root of the problem is not being dealt with.

Anyway,
peaceloveguidance

Then again, sometimes the depression has to be conquered first in order to see the root of the problem.

Anyway, just an example!!! I am not saying you r clinically depressed! I don't know enuf about your whole deal to be throwing some judgement like that at you.

Anyway, just plod forward in life in as positive of a way you can (OK, don't miss out on the education thing) and all the answers to the reasons and causes will come about. Usually after the fact, but at least you'll become a more solid person.

peaceloveguidance and strength!

to all

sorry i havnt posted anything in a while. our computers internet has been all weird.
i dont know if i am depressed. i guess you could say that in a way. i dont know, i always have weird mood swings. yea ive thought about suicide A LOT. i have a boyfriend and i think that he is the only one that really cares about me, or at least i believe he does. my parents do but i think they only do because they have to, its their job.
no i am going to a psychiatrist so i dont know what he will perscribe me.
i read #15. i dont think i have any control issues.

to anyone who knows anything about computers:

everytime that i try to get on the internet a little box pops up saying "the file needed to axcess Web Search may be lost. You may need to run setup".
it will sometimes let me go to different webadresses but not a lot of them.
how the heck do you run setup?

Nikki,

Don't spend too much time thinking about whether you are depressed. If you don't feel good about yourself and it's affecting your schoolwork and your social life, then focus on getting better. Talk to your psychiatrist -- he or she will be a medical doctor who is very experienced at helping people get better. They'll also have a better idea about medications and whether you need them than Douglas or anyone else could tell you.

I'm sorry to hear that you've thought about suicide in the past, but your words now make be believe that's behind you. You're obviously very smart and creative (and you write well), so I doubt that you'd be so weak that you'd consider suicide today. Don't dwell on negative thoughts and focus on the things in life that do make you happy, like your boyfriend and things you enjoy doing. There's a lot to live for, and I think you realize that. So focus on getting better because life doesn't have to be unhappy or that difficult. The answer is to believe in the value of your life and make a good life out of it, one that will make you happy. As I said, I can already sense that you're determined and strong, so I know you'll come through this well.

I'm randomly jumping into this discussion as someone who has gone through all of this before. It's different for everyone, but other people's experiences seem to help.

When I told my parents I was just finishing up my first year of college. They kicked me out and sent me to live with my mother though they promised to support me. I started seeing a really bad psychologist. The man didn't let me talk, rather he talked at me. We spent the last five minutes with him asking me "how the cutting thing was going" and me saying, eh I cut four days this week and him saying "okay, well I'm going to cut you down to every other week instead of every week". He told the psychiatrist that I was depressed, probably based upon my lack of interest in hearing him ramble on and on for our $300 sessions (Luckily, I had insurance). I said I didn't think that was right and he ignored me, like all of our sessions.
I was put on the "cure-all" Zoloft.
I never took my full dosage, I just made it through the starter pack that works you up there. I was in a sky-high manic episode. I wouldn't eat or sleep for days, I broke up with the guy I had been dating for over a year, I started fooling around with a guy from work, I was popping pills and drinking like crazy, the list goes on, I was a mess.
I left for school and quit seeing them and started seeing the counselor and psychologist at school.
Well, all good things must come to an end, and I crashed. I wound up taking most of my Zoloft and landing myself into the psychiatric ward a month and a half after I got to school. There I was diagnosed as bipolar (something people who know me had been saying for awhile, even before I "outted" my cutting) and put on Zyprexa and Effexor XR (I was already on trazadone (sp?) to help me sleep).
After a month I took myself off of them, which is a BIG, BIG NO NO, because the numerous side-effects were horrible. I have had anorexic/bulimic tendencies for years. This brought them out more than ever before after I gained 20 pounds in a month.
To sum things up, almost 2 years later I still do not take meds (though I do some self-medicating here and there) but am better at controlling my moods now that I know the swings will happen. I am currently in the grips of mania (I haven't slept in 24 hours) but it won't escalate, I won't let it, I haven't cut in a year, and am engaged to a former self-injurer.
There is hope, I promise. Meds are not the answer for everyone, though in my case I should be on them. I'm getting health insurance soon so I may start them up again. However, I will carefully research whatever is suggested before it's started. That is your best bet nikki. A lot of anti-deps have been known to cause depression to become worse and lead to suicide. Do your research and try and find someone you feel is out there to help you and not just to make money.

It has a lot to do with poor coping skills. Sometimes these 'kids' feel their lives are so emotionally painful that they cut themselves and so forth to find something tangible to deal with.

A broken heart would be a lot easier to manage if you could see the wound healing and thats what they go on. The confusion inside them is not something they can put their hands on. So they create scars and that pain at that moment is what they focus on not whats inside. It's similar to fat people who use food for comfort.

And yes it is sad, in more ways than one.

there is as much actual human concern, kindness and interaction on this thread than the rst of the site put together - sincerest best wishes to you all

fourleafclover, thank you for partaking in this thread! Your experience validates what I was cautioning Nikki about, ie: one way conversations with the psychologist, being railroaded into a diagnosis, etc...

Strength to you!

peaceloveguidance

I have been reading everything that has been said and everything....I am a "cutter" and i started when i was in eith grade and now i am 15 and in three weeks i am going to be a sophmore in High school...This pasted year as a freshman i thought i had friends i could trusth to tell my problems to and when people founf out i was cutting myself they qickly turned and told every body .....After a while the teachers heard bout it and my GC had calledi n my parents and took me out of my class and asked me about it infront of them i couldnt say it because i knew if i were to tell them they would never trust me again....And thats what happen i became the embrassment to the family...After a while i stoped but then i got these feeling of self hate, and emptyness so i starteed up again...I had finally last nite cut for the first time in months and it mad me feel so much better...My parents wont ever get help for me nad i know i need it...I keep telling them i am not going to get any better if i done get help...I have tried my best to help myself over come it but i just cant to do on my own anymore.

Danielle,

WOW!! That is the most intense, mind blowing "comment" (#112) I have seen. Man, it was so from the soul and sure was saying something.

You have seen all my blather (uh, comments) posted above. You catch my drift I would imagine.

All I can say at this time is: PEACE, LOVE, GUIDANCE & STRENGTH !!!!!! If I have any brilliat ideas, i'll post them. But Nikki pretty much got my basic MO on the subject. I hope they provide some sort of guidance for you. NO NO !!!! I'M NOT PLAYING THAT GOD THING!!!!! All I can say is that whole God concept of things works best as a conscious energy of masses. When something is up, the world is in panic, religious sects have no boundries. Ah shit, I got off the subject trying to make a pre-emptive defense of something I said......cripes!

i will send healing vibes to werever you are. everybody else, do that too. Healing vibes to wherever Danielle is on the Astral...Don't forget Nikki also.

peaceloveguidance

danielle, my thoughts are with you, and i hope you find some sort of peace. Heed Douglas. He's a wise fella, far as i can gather.
I would say that you don't need to rely on your parents to get help. You're free to walk into any health centre or doctors office and make an apointment. You admit you need help. The ball's in your court, and while i know it would be a lot easier, and more pleasant, if your parents came along, you don't have to feel like you can't get help if you want it. Any doctor will happily see you. And, speaking from experience of sorts, doctors are a lot more compassionate and understanding than you might think. And most of them know exactly what you're talking about, since they see it every week.

All the best.

Duke, thanx man. Every word I spewed out is an evaluation I personally have made from experience and heart. I try to make my words useful (well, sometimes...).

your words are uplifting to me, and oh man, do I need it right now. Conscious positive energy...

plg

review of a film touching on the topic here

i am a 15 yr old girl and i have been cutting myelf since i had turned 13, ppl cut themselves to release pain that they dont kno how to talk about, or or when they are very upset and dont want to talk to anyone.

Julez, peaceloveguidance and strength to you. Your statement has helped me validate what I am dealing with here. Wife has the same issues about talking as you discribe. Her method of release is different than cutting, but equally destructive, if not more actually.

The answer is sure, peace love and understanding. Then as a cutter there are demons in yourself that have to be battled. It takes work on both sides. Yourself and loved ones around you.

It is a chore, but worth it. I hope it pays off on my end. I want a wife out of mental pain and confusion. We have been working on that for years in a very compassionate way.

I hope it works. The goal is a healthy, happy, self-actualized wife. In the end I hope she remains my wife. It is a tough road.

OK, I'll quit bleeding now. Thanx Julez!

peaceloveguidance

i havnt written in a while so i thought i would clue you all in on how my lifes turning out. well i have my good days and my bad as does anyone. i think about suicide a lot but im too scared to go through with it, mostly because i think about what it would do to my family and boyfriend.
i need some advice for a friend. i have a friend that is depressed and his parents wont help him. he always want to kill himself and its like i have to beg him to stay alive. now his parents are getting devorced and its making it even harder on him. i want to tell his mom about his situation but he wont let me because we both know she cant take it right now. how can i help him?

Julez, im 15 too and if u've read any of my conversations i also cut (dont worrie Douglas Mays and Eric Olsen, ive cut back A LOT). yeah it is hard as hell to deal with. i had to go to counseling for a little bit but stopped cause i hated my counselor. What i think you should do because its what im doing is getting really close to the person you love (i always talk to my boyfriend and he helps me) and they will always be their when you feel like cutting or something. also do things you like. i love to paint, write poems, etc. so im trying to get involved in doing them more. it helps me express when i have pain and it also helps keep my mind off things.
i hope this helps you and ill try and keep in touch.

Nikki, I am glad you are getting help from your boyfriend, but, especially at your age, there is no way to know if you will be able to continue to count on this person - as you mentioned to Julez. NO matter how difficult it may be, you must continue to involve your parents, who are much more likely to be there for you in the long run than a boyfriend. Boyfriends come and go, frankly. I also wish you would get back in to counseling - using the excuse of not liking your previous counselor is something of a cop-out.

I've been cutting for the last 15 years or so. It has not really affected me too much. Fortunately for me my cutting has been entirely on people around me. It has been very hard to make and keep friends, however.

ah, the "sado" side of this "maso" behavior. I am always more inclined to inflict pain on others rather than myself, also, but as this thread attests, self-inflicted pain is a real and apparently not particularly unusual problem.

Nikki, good to hear from you!!!! You found a good outlet which I highly endorse, artistic expression. Painting, poetry, and just writing in general. It has certainly saved my soul in extreme emotional situations. Then you find how right on it all is when you pull them out and look at them when those emotions rear their ugly head. Plus it will help your boyfriend (or others) in dealing with their emotional eruptions.

And for all your art, there is a message in there, somewhere. Thank you for surviving. Stick with the program!

peaceloveguidance

Oh Nikki, let me disagree with Eric on the point of baggin' on your counselor. It wasn't a cop-out. Your reasoning is quite solid.

I agree with him to do the couseling thing though. Check out a few counselors, find one you get a good vibe from. And don't let them do all the talking. You do most of the talking. Give the counselor info. on you so you don't get treated like some garden variety nut. You aren't. You are an individual trapped in a very complex brain. Well, that can actually be a load of fun once you get it wired up right.

Anyway, peaceloveguidance

and yes, I absolutely agree art of whatever kind is excellent therapy

Nikki!!!! OK, speaking of counselors, wife and I have a really good one. Wife has personal issues that leave a mess on all a part of her life (cripes, look at me!). But SV (counselors initials) we visited yesterday and she rocks! The more we go on the more impressed I am by her.

Who knows, contact me, maybe she will work with you by phone or e-mail.

Anyway, a good counselor is hard to find, but good to find.

be well,
peaceloveguidance

Its nice to hear from you guys again Eric and Douglas. I dont know about a counselor. I have tried a few different ones and i sware they think they can relate but when they see my arms they get all freaked out or something. some of my scars are really bad and stick out a lot, my parents and doctor say i should get plastic surgery to get them removed but its like $4,000 a scar and i would feel so bad having my parents use their money for me being stupid and doing stupid things.

you can talk to a counselor over internet? awesome! i would really like to try that! how much is it?

talk to you all as soon as i can.

Nikki, I'll check into it...

Douglas

Nikki, just heard back from our gal. She does not do the internet thing, but does recomend the counseling thing, of course.

OK here's the deal. How I found our person is on the internet. Do a search in your region for couselors relating to your syndrome. You can get a vibe from the web page. You can check alot out on the net. It sure saves time and money and brainspace over making appointments....

peaceloveguidance,
douglas

thankx doug. ill start lookin online as soon as i can!

Wow..I hate I just found this. I suffer from post-traumatic syndrome, and have cut myself for many years. Many of these comments brought tears to my eyes.
I'm working through my feelings, and rarely ever cut myself now. I'd like to say more, but now I'm too emotional.
Thanks to the one who wrote the inquiry and those that shared, and the people that tried to understand it. Not label this problem.

best wishes Pandora, please take care of yourself and I hope things continue to improve for you

been looking, i dk where to look for a goood online counselor

im a cutter and im 13 and i hav stopped becuz i scared my best friend evr but now i still do it as far as tellin people goes i hav but i wont tell my parents its them who made me miserable so they hav no rite to no and as far as u like to say things eric dont try to help me cuz i no its wrong but its not that damn simple srry if i sound like a bitch but i had to say it!!!!!!!!!

i started cutting when i was 6 years old.. i ddin't know what it was called then, but i knew it would help me.. i'm going to be 16 in march, and i still cut.. when i get upset,( everyday), i'll look for hours just to find something sharp, something to ease the pain, if only for a minute.. when the blade sears through my flesh, i let out a cry of relief, knowing that one day, i'll go too deep...

i have been cutting for four years, on a off I guess, I started smoking when I was sixteen as a deference but then I quit and it was't a very good deference to boot. I feel caged, I made a promise to my sister that I wouldn't cut myself anymore but its all I think about, I try to think of excuses other ways anything, I wanted to by a psychologist, I am a psychology major but I wonder if I have any right to continue can a defective person help other people?

im having a really hard time because i promised my boyfriend and my brother inlaw i wouldnt cut myslef no more but its all i think about im sooo depressed

yall suck what u to good to answer me or fuckin website well fu mofos c if i ever cum here again

Val:

May I ask how you found this site?

Boy, it takes forever to read this whole page. Someone asked way back when, (and so did RJ just now) how people were finding this page. For me, believe it or not, I typed in "Veronica" on Google, looking for someone that I knew by that name! So there must be a Veronica on here SOMEWHERE... To all the cutters, trust me when I tell you, there ARE people who care about you, even strangers. I care. I just don't know how to help. But I know pain as I was sexually abused and terrorized as a child by my older brother. You just can't give up and say that no one cares or wants to listen. Just keep trying. There are people who care.