SATAN, GET THEE OUTTA TOWN!
(Rotters News Service)

INGLIS, FLORIDA — Minnie McNutt, mayor of this coastal hamlet of shrimp fishermen and God-fearing folk, believed the hour had come to cleanse her town of the giver of evil.

Of Satan himself.

His grip on the community, she'd noticed, had become disturbingly apparent: a father had molested a child, teens were dressing in black and powdering their faces white, pot and crystal-meth use was on the uptick. So she sat at her kitchen table on Halloween night two years ago and drafted a proclamation. The words flowed from her pen almost, she recalled later, as though God was guiding her hand.

She admitted that she "got stuck" about halfway through writing the proclamation, but said that when God contacted her a few hours later, "He apologized and said He'd been busy on a rewrite with Mel Gibson."

The Mayor's proclamation reads:

"Be it known from this day forward, that Satan, : ( ruler of darkness, giver of evil, destroyer of what is good and just, is not now, nor ever again will be, a part of this town of Inglis... In the past, Satan has caused division, animosity, hate, confusion, ungodly acts on our youth, and discord among our friends and loved ones. NO LONGER! : ) "

[Note: the emoticons were part of the declaration and are reproduced exactly as they appeared]

The proclamation ends with, "We exercise our authority over the devil in Jesus' name. By that authority, and through His Blessed Name, we command all satanic and demonic forces to cease their activities and depart the town of Inglis."

The mayor printed her proclamation on the town's official stationery. She stamped it with a gold seal, signed it and, along with the town clerk, made copies and stuffed them into four, hollowed-out wooden posts on which were painted "repent," "request," "resist."

Then, together with a local pastor, a town commissioner and the Chief of Police, the 62-year-old mayor went to each of Inglis' four entrances and, in the name of the town's 1,421 residents, fixed those messages of banishment into the very ground.

Risher told a visitor recently, "If the proclamation could get people to wake up and realize that they needed God, then it would be a success — then Inglis would be saved. But I'm hoping that beyond that, every evil influence in this town will disappear."

The morning after the decree's official "installation", residents were shocked to awaken to a town that had been totally transformed: the local Walmart, Blockbuster Video, McDonald's, and the Republican Party Headquarters had vanished into thin air.

Additionally, a small record store reported that their entire inventory of Billy Joel CDs had also mysteriously disappeared. Rumors that many residents were unable to locate their VHS copies of "Forrest Gump" have yet to be confirmed.

(painting "Satan's Take-Out" © 2000 by Shark's Art Gallery)