American Idol Has A Springtime Ho-Down
Chapter 3: Get Me To Group Therapy, I Am Seeing Ookits
By: The Raging Critic

Alas! We have come to that fateful day! A day where I can come home from a hard day's work - kick off my shoes - walk to the refrigerator - grab a brewski - walk over to the television set - flip on the handy dandy Fox Network - sit on the couch - unzip my pants - let all my fat hang out - burp out loud - and tune in to American Idol! It's the annual ode' to Hee Haw! Folks - It's COUNTRY NIGHT!

[Sigh]

I started to think to myself.......I am not a fan of beer. I do not live in a trailer. I do not have a fat gut. I do not drive a pick-up truck. I do not have a friend who is missing any teeth. I do not like to hang out in taverns. I do not know how to drive a combine. I know nothing about herbicide (because I like herbs). And I certainly do not tolerate the smell of manure. Now, I am not saying that all people who like country music should share these similar qualities. However, if you do have any of the qualities I mentioned above - well - the chance that you like country music is reaching atomic probabilities. I have none of the above qualities, nor do I have an innate desire to listen to this kind of music. Therefore, I am not a fan of country music. Phuey!

What fun is this going to be for me! It almost makes me want to go out and buy a beer and get drunk because I am so sad. Now wait a minute.... I realized that I might like this country music thing after all [banjos and harmonicas start to play]. I reached over and grabbed my cowboy hat and buttless chaps! I walked to my front door and slammed the door open. I called out to my trusty sidekick, Bucky Berkowitz (ok, so I live in Miami and he is really my therapist), and asked him to saddle up the horses. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going to the American Idol Ho-Down! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww!

I shouted to Bucky and asked him to saddle up Seatriscuit (my beloved "out" Stallion). After riding through this horserace tonight, it is time to reveal who wins, who places and who shows...........

11. Camile Velasco - "Desperado" -The Eagles

Camile's mom divulges the family's deepest darkest secret to America. That's right. Her daughter has an incurable affliction. Sakes alive - her adenoids are lodged all the way inside her sinus cavity!!!! Is it just me, or does this girl need a Kleenex or three? Anyway, her cute little sister Divina seemed pretty healthy so at least we all know it is not contagious. Unfortunately, though for Camile, her voice was contagious. And tonight, it was scarier than SARS. Pass me a Kleenex - ah-choo!