Like the movie Titanic, it's ending was predictable: the horse wins and everybody cries.

I cried, too, at the ending of Titanic. I couldn't believe such a wonderful, yet terribly tragic, story could be twisted into an idiotic love triangle that was suddenly and rudely interrupted by a giant iceberg.

It was the same with Pearl Harbor. After seeing the near historical masterpiece Saving Private Ryan, I was anxious to view this movie. My wife didn't want to see it, but I begged her to come with me. "It's history!" I cried. "History is far more interesting than fiction because it involved real people." At the end of the movie, as we walked home, neither of us spoke. I had been wrong. Very wrong. And I was ashamed of myself. At one point, I tried to take my wife's hand in mine, but she jerked it away and folded her arms. The next week was a very lonely one for me.

If you've never seen Pearl Harbor, contrary to the title, it's not about that battle. Instead, it's all about a love triangle momentarily disrupted by the Imperial Japanese Navy.

Why did they feel it necessary to inject a completely pointless, even lame, love story into this historic saga? It's like telling the story of the Battle of the Little Bighorn and mixing in a love triangle between Crazy Horse, Custer, and Sacagawea (a Shoshone Indian woman who traveled with Lewis & Clark many years before this battle, but remember, this is Hollywood and there's no reason to let facts get in the way of good fiction).

Remember back when the movie Shakespeare In Love won Best Picture over Saving Private Ryan? How is that possible? I'm sure if you find the answer to this burning question, you'll probably understand how Marisa Tomei stole her Oscar. And in digging for answers to these riddles, you'll probably also uncover some other hidden truths: does the U.S. government possess an alien spacecraft? Did the CIA really kill Kennedy? And why couldn't it have been Britney Spears who exposed her breast on national television during the Super Bowl?

So this is why I didn't watch the Academy Awards. There's no point in doing so. It's like watching a boxing match between Mike Tyson and anyone else. You can't predict who the winner will be, but sure as shit stinks on ice, someone's walking away from the match with a chunk of ear missing. So rather than wasting your money on a wager, you're better off watching it for the shear spectacle that is sure to come. Or, like myself, you could spend quality time with your family and read all about the massacre in the newspaper the next day.