Welcome To The American Idol Soul Asylum
Episode I: Crazy
By: The Raging Critic

Before tonight's episode, I had wandered aimlessly around my palace and conferred with all of the other bestowed Raging Critic's about tonight's show. Then suddenly, I realized that I was trapped inside an asylum with a bunch of crazy lunatics. It seems that I - The Raging Critic - was so horrified by the semifinal performances that I almost lost my mind. I was devastated because I thought this show was taking a dive in a hurry. What on Earth would I do??????? I mean- what else would I write to you people about?? Certainly not that Donald Trump-tastrophe - ICKY!!

I looked through the bars on my door and up at the clock on the wall (bear with me as we are in asylum mode tonight). I saw that it was almost 8 o'clock and that I would miss American Idol. And then all of a sudden - - - - - - OUT OF NOWHERE - - - came a little furry lamb from Utah to break me free from my misery. That's right!!! Carmen Rasmussen busted me out folks!!!!! The sacrificial lamb and all of her season two contestants are forever etched in the minds of yesterday. It seems that Carmen put me through misery last season so I could appreciate this one.

So, I am here to celebrate in this rebirth of seasons. From now on, the themes are here..... the top guns are here..... and the show has just started. Tonight was Episode I for me - and tonight it was CRAZY!

And suddenly......WHOOOOOOOSH...... the demons were gone and Seatriscuit appeared on our televisions. He needs to invest in a razor for cripes sake. I mean - - HELLOOOOO RYAN - this is not frickin' "Survivor Burbank!"

He then tells us that tonight's theme is SOUL! My spine began to quiver and I felt like I was 9 years old again watching Soul Train on WGN! Ya know.... I always wanted to be that one white girl who shook her groove thing down the lineup!

But, I refuse to make you suffer anymore folks - - - here they are from soulless to soulful - - - your American Idol Top 12 Finalists!

(Applause)

Now stop the applause because this is a long review tonight and we don't have time for clapping. There were 12 singers in two hours and I'm the one who has to slave over the keyboard about it. So sit down, find your soul, and quitchyer bitchin'.

12. John Stevens - "Lately"

We catch a glimpse of Opie in Mayberry. He is singing with Grammy and Grampy and takes them strolling through the town. I could not figure out if he was taller than Wilt Chamberlain or if his grandparents were part of the cast from Darby O'Gill and The Little People.