Let me just go on the record today and say that I love steroids. I don't mean for me personally. (I use a nose spray that has them and my nose doesn't seem to be getting any stronger.) I mean that I love steroids in pro sports.

Here's why. I would love to see a baseball hit 600 feet. I would love to see an outfielder run through a wall. I would love to see a quarterback throw the ball 100 yards.

If I am paying $70 to attend a sporting event, athletes better be doing some amazing shit. If you are making $8 million dollars to dribble a basketball, you sure as hell better not see me yawning and scratching my ass. I want action. I want super-human, futuristic action.

I want Morten Anderson to kick an 85 yard field goal with a leg the size of an utility pole. I want Barry Bonds to hit a home run every time up... so that other teams start pumping their outfielders with so many roids they can leap 30 feet in the air and pick the ball off before it lands in the cove... the one on the Oakland side of the Bay.

Do I care that these substances are harmful? No, Once they are done being athletes I have no use for athletes. I don't want them color commenting like some awful Troy Aikman. I want them silent like Lyle Alzado. Act stupid and macho in college, join a frat, throw up a lot, play pro ball, entertain me and then die.

I would have made a great Roman Emperor wouldn't I?

*Brian says ridiculous stuff like this everyday at www.brianlewandowski.com and in his latest book "Slop and Swill from a Festering Mind."