How Tortured My Loathing

Written by CW Fisher
Published March 13, 2004

CW FISHER

Hell is spelled HTML.

Some people think "HTML" stands for "hypertext markup language," but it was actually named for its birthplace, the HOTEL MOTEL, as they call it when all the letters are lit.

Here in the hotel, if one needs to boldface, one need only walk a short distance down the hall and make the first left, an immediate right--and remember to enclose everything in carats, for reasons known to .

To find the toilet, shift View to HTML and locate src=img:"toilet.gif" and stare at it until your urge to urinate gradually goes away. Now forget why you're there and what it was you were doing, and why everything in HTML looks like email from Radio Shack circa 1981.

Step behind the curtain, ladies and gentlemen, see how websites are made! Pardon the mess, excuse the dust, oh, you don't like that font? You don't like that font? Me tell you something. That font was good enough for your grandfather, it's good enough for you.

Font! Ha!
In the land of HTML everyone knows something you don't, but you don't know what it is. You suspect it would help if you purchased web space, but you've heard that involves money, and you don't normally spend money on things you don't understand.

Why is the sky #d7d7fd? Why is the sun #f6f90b?

Ask. You won't like the answers either. I keep wondering why my blog is spaghetti-puke pink. But I'm told it's not. It's #c3b0ac.

Today I republished my entire blog — and it looked great. Better at least. Then I noticed I lost the comments, so I put them back in. Then something else happened and something else and when I returned, I wasn't there.

I was no longer there!

So, after spending my Saturday hopscotching between programs, I gave up and restored everything back the way it was. And for this I was grateful!

Which proves that the first requirement for any web aficienado is an endless capacity for boredom. Just keep pouring it in, keep pouring, keep it coming.

Not this surfer boy.

If you offer me advice, I can't promise I'll take it, but I will promise to get on a plane and come to your house no matter where in the world you live and slice you thinly and feed you to carp.

If carp are convenient. Otherwise I'll put you in the meat drawer. Thanks in advance for your good intentions. No, I'll be fine now. I'm going to grab a nap and then whup myself into shape for tonight.

What's tonight? Cybercide Saturday! I've still got bullets to file... nooses to tie...

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How Tortured My Loathing
Published: March 13, 2004
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Section: Culture
Writer: CW Fisher
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#1 — March 13, 2004 @ 21:16PM — Ms. Tek [URL]

I'll help you, if you want.

#2 — March 14, 2004 @ 01:20AM — CW Fisher [URL]

Tek, that's kind of you. I'm going to hit it again tomorrow. Thanks for reading me! CW

#3 — March 14, 2004 @ 07:29AM — jadester [URL]

for colours, there are two other ways you can set them.
The first is for basic ones that are named, you acn actually use the name, e.g. "red" or "blue" or "green" or "cyan"
the other is rgb values. Load up something like paintshop pro. Find the colour you want your page to have, note the r,g,b values (three numbers between 0 and 255, on PSP i believe they show just below the main palette)
then use color=rgb(x,y,z) or bgcolor-(x,y,z) or whatever, where x,y and z are your rgb values.
Also, i recomemnd you check out http://www.w3schools.com/ for tutorials about HTML (also CSS, XSL, XML) - it came in very handy for a recent piece of coursework I had to do. HTML really ain't all that bad once you practise a bit, and have a good reference guide

#4 — March 14, 2004 @ 12:52PM — Eric Olsen

I know what I know because I have to know it and use it regularly: this is a very limited amount of HTML code and surely nothing to do with colors or esoterica of that nature. That's what Phillips are for - get someone to help you. It's way more fun that way and once you see what they have done, you have the option of studying it for a bit to see if it makes the slightest sense at all. When I talk to my friends at Cleveland.com who do this stuff all day long and in their sleep, they just pat me on the head and look at me with kindly pity.

#5 — March 14, 2004 @ 16:34PM — jadester [URL]

HTML really isn't all that bad. WIth the likes of XSL stylesheets, you can do some really neat stuff. There's also the point that it's supposed to be a multi-format language. The fact that it is, is in itself pretty amazing.
I felt similar to C W Fisher last semseter when i did a module on digital documents. The main focus was on Troff, a typesetter-independent language for documents. But a way into the module (too late to gain back many marks unfortunately =+) i realised just how cool it is. I plan to write an article on it shortly, because even with my limited knowledge of it i can see how useful it'd be for many digital writers.
HTML is similar in that the more you practice, the betetr it gets (maybe ther are other things like that too ;+)

#6 — March 14, 2004 @ 17:49PM — Mac Diva [URL]

As someone who has been on the Internet a long time (too long, perhaps?) what I am finding a challenge these days is departures from traditional HTML standards. If only things had really stayed the way they were in 1995, I would be somewhat on top of it all. Some days, I want to abolish Dave Weiner. (So do a lot of other people, I've heard.)

Bad news for ya, Curt. Just because you finally got your color code right in Explorer doesn't mean your blog isn't orange in Safari or OmniWeb. (Yes, I know SR's masthead is either lavender or cobalt blue, according to which browser you are using.)

While people are griping, would someone write an entry blasting unreliable API clients for blogging? Having done it before, I believe it is someone else's turn.

#7 — March 14, 2004 @ 19:54PM — CW Fisher [URL]

The sooner I get the whole fact of html out of my mind the better. Whatever side of the brain it requires I'm on the other side.

What kills me is starting from scratch only to learn that most people just copy and paste into Front Page and are pretty much done with it. I'm figuring it out. There will be a point where it all snaps in. Right?

In the meantime, simple is best. Someday I'd like to have pictures and a table of contents or searchable index. But in the meantime I've got stuff to write.


#8 — March 14, 2004 @ 20:53PM — Ms. Tek [URL]

=(
I could help you.

#9 — March 15, 2004 @ 00:19AM — lisa

It seems to me that Tek chick wishes to be carp food.

#10 — March 15, 2004 @ 02:55AM — CW Fisher [URL]

Ms. Tek... thank you for your generosity... you met my wife I see... hope you didn't get scratched. (funny... I just did a piece on blogstalkers...)

#11 — March 15, 2004 @ 10:03AM — Ms. Tek [URL]

*rolls eyes*

I just offered to help because from what you are saying I could fix all that in less than 10 mins and then show you what I did and then you could do it yourself.

That is how I learned.

Other people can kiss my ass. I am offering a bit of advice, that is all. Unlike some people, I don't get off on being a professional asshole in life.

#12 — March 15, 2004 @ 11:38AM — lisa

CW - you need all the help you can get.

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