Whaaaaaaat? If this is not blatant politicking I do not know what is. Paula fell for Simon's silly little dare and now we must suffer for it. Leah grabs the microphone from our suckah M.C. and yells her song all over the place. Waaayaaahhhhaaayayayayyahhhahaaaaaaaaaaah.

What the heck was that? Was that a song or a racial slur?

SIMON'S CHOICE

As Simon was called out to deliver his nominee, I had a vivid flashback. I recall the year 2003 = the YEAR OF THE LAMB! That's right, Simon was responsible for that Carmen Rasmussen illness that made SARS look like the common cold. That's right Simon - Ruben may be sorry for 2004, but I am still waiting for the 2003 apology. What gives?

Simon then picks one for the audience. GEORGE HUFF - you are the man! George broke into an instant tantrum that made Jennifer Hudson look timid. "Oh lord have mercy, oh lord, oh Jesus, oh lord, oh lord, oh Jesus, oh lord, oh God." I thought he was going to pass out for crying out loud. Seacrest then ran over to Georgie to give him mouth to mouth. After George fully came to, he thanked his big daddy (Simon) and showered us with his unspeakable joy! I almost had to wipe a tear away . . . NOT!

AMERICA'S CHOICE

By this point I was feeling like Sofie's Choice (ya know, just get rid of 'em all"). Seacrest lined up Elizabeth, Matthew, John Peter, Suzy, and Katie. The winner of the group and America's choice - receiving 22% of the vote is.....

John Peter - the possessed pop tard!

WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAT? IS AMERICA TOTALLY TONE DEAF????? C'Mon People this is not a friggin' CHAD we are talking about. This merely entailed voting for the best singers. All I can say is, "I WANNA RECOUNT." And if that won't work, then I want a RECALL. I knew it. I never should have moved to Florida. PHUEY!

I sat in my room in a total daze. I think that the other finalists made a return appearance, but the shock from tonight's results must have caused some form of retrograde amnesia. Someone, please send me some Xanax! If you know Noelle Bush, please send her my number!

SEACREST THEN ANNOUNCES, "COMING UP NEXT IS CRACKING UP."

THANKS RYAN, BUT I ALREADY AM!

CU Next Tuesday!

The Raging Critic has spoken!