Written and Directed by Larry Blamire

Nowadays, kids don't have to watch a bad movie if they don't want to. What with DVD players in their bedrooms, cell phones that work as walkie-talkies, game consoles, portable Internet access, and up to 500 channels on TV, they can now be entertained endlessly by many alternatives. If they don't like a movie they're watching, their limited attention spans and seemingly infinite choices keep them from having to suffer through it, but, dear reader, let me take you back to a previous century before every interest or hobby had a niche channel devoted to it on cable, back before you had to flip over a laserdisc to finish watching a movie, back to when the comforts of your bedroom had to be left behind if you wanted to steal music. It was an entertainment dark ages where the only ray of hope that shined were seven VHF channels and an odd assortment of UHF channels, oases in a desert of static and white noise, always shifting position as you changed towns. "What's UHF?" you say. Be glad you have to ask. In those days, you had few, if any, choices as you turned the knob and endured what was dealt by the cruel fates and even crueler program directors.

But like so many species before us we learned to adapt and evolve. New synapses were formed in our brains and we discovered the perverse pleasure of watching a very bad movie. Our disappointment in not enjoying a movie gave way as we discovered the delight in "not" enjoying a movie. Noticing the flaws made you feel smarter and the ability to make others laugh moved you up a few pegs in other people's estimation. It is a rite of passage into manhood, similar to the trials faced by many young men all around the world although this one is safer than circumcising yourself in the mountains during the first full moon after your thirteenth birthday. Like those first few facial hairs, this awareness was a sign to others that you were maturing; you knew bad art when you saw it and you could create comedy and joy from it. My friends and I would revel in watching movies like Terror of Tiny Town or Reefer Madness, laughing endlessly at the bad moments which covered all aspects of filmmaking, such as forgoing logic to get the story finished under 95 minutes, acting that was worse than grade school pageants, bad editing, bad effects, bad scenery, bad costumes, you name it. In every movie there was at least one chance to cry out, "That's the worst _______ in the history of cinema." We felt like gods looking down from the heavens.