Randy said you were alright. Paula said you pushed to hard. Simon said he has never seen anyone open their mouth that wide before. Obviously, America knows now that Simon ain't packin' much then. I say, it's a pity that ebay is so popular because this girl belongs in an auction.

8. JOHN PREATOR - "That's What Love Is All About"

Somebody please call Paul Simon because Art Garfunkel has resurfaced! He is doing cartwheels all over the Coke red room and has started a new career of impersonating Michael Bolton. They show John's parents, and by golly, I think Jimmy Carter is his dad. Hey - anyone but Bush, right????

John started his number and I was hoping the guys would finally shine. Needless to say, John failed to save the day and his notes were flatter than Britney's chest before the surgery. The audience clap, clap, clapped away and I could not help but wonder - - - WHYYYYYYYYYYY? I felt like Nettie in the Color Purple when Old Mister tore her away from Celie..... WHYYYYYYYYYYYY? Then I look over an hear his voice shaking in agony - sooooooftlllyyyyyyyyy, soooooofffffftlyyyyyyyyy! EEEEEK! I realize, maybe I would be better off in Africa after all. See ya later Miss Celie! You can stay at home at babysit Sofia. I'm outta here.

Randy said he was glad it was over. I was wishing I could get it out of my head so it was over. Paula said you were off pitch. Simon said you belong in ice dancing. I say Brian Boitano should be insulted by that remark - you sure is ugly (and I am only referring to your voice).

7. JOHN STEVENS - "She's Always A Woman"

Aunt Bea would be proud. Little Opie has grown up to be a crooner. All decked out in his best magic suit, Opie has decided to become a super star. I sat in my room prepared to whistle a little tune with our red headed step-child. Poooooor little Opie, Mayberry stopped whistling cuz his performance was just plain wrong!

He walked onstage and dazzled us with his Bar-B-Q potato-chip-colored hair. I started to crave a bag of mesquite Krunchers. Opie started crooning and I started to lose my appetite. In fact, I laid down and took a nap. This may have been the single most boring song in the entire history of this show. Screw Nytol!!!!!!!!! Just pop in a John Stevens tape and you will sleep like a log.