American Idol Gives Me the Fiji-Jeebies
Despite Being Overly Whitney-fied, Tonight's Shining Star Is Barely Sparkling
By: The Raging Critic

Beer, Beads, and Breasts. That was the theme of the week last week. It was Mardi Gras and I had alternative plans in my schedule. Unfortunately, I was unable to review last week's show, but I can only say this - America got it right for once. Miss London has reclaimed the name "LaToya."

After stupendous shows during the first and third weeks, those of us at home could only wonder if week two was a fluke. I grabbed my pad of paper and my glitter glue pen and I started to sketch the night away. I was prepared to paint pretty pictures to the dazzling tunes of our week four semifinalists. Apparently, none of these kids read The Raging Critic because some of them broke the number one rule - DO NOT SING WHITNEY HOUSTON!!!!!!!!!! And the most important warning of all - ESPECIALLY SONGS FROM THE MOVIE, "THE BODYGUARD!"

Seacrest appears like a phantom in the night. In the great spirit of Whitney, he materialized in the Coke red room. Only Whitney herself could have done it better. But take it from her folks, CRACK IS WHACK!

Unfortunately, the voices of the evening forgot to listen to Miss Houston. Folks, we have a problem.

So, break out the handheld mirrors and skinny straws. We need to line up these kiddies and sniff them aside from last to first...

9. LISA WILSON - "Come To My Window"

She's hugging the ground. She wants to step outside the box. She is a super model by day. Well Miss Thingie, you better work it girl and make love to that camera - cuz your vocal cords sound like they are broken!!!! That's right! She sounded like Kelly Clarkson sewed her vocal cords to Ruben Studdard's poop chute while someone behind the stage yelled "Thar she bloooooooows." Lisa, my pretty, stay inside the box - PLEEEEEEEEEEASE! I swear - Shamoo herself could not have squealed so loud!!!!

This girl not only thought outside the box, but she screamed the closed caption box right off of America's television sets in the process. I tried and tried to get into this song but I was too busy trying to save my grandmother's crystal. Lisa, I will come to your window, but only to hammer some hurricane shudders up so I can keep you safe and quiet!