Feb. 21, 2004 - An international delegation arrives in Port-au-Prince to pressure me for reforms such as replacing my prime minister, releasing political prisoners, reforming the police, begin meeting opposition demands, and establishing a commission for the 2006 election. I tell them to go to hell, I don't need their help. This evening, I attended a gay marriage between two old friends from the seminary.

Feb. 22, 2004 - From my window, I can see Haiti is on fire. Good news: there's still some fuel left on the island! Bad News: the fire is heading this way. Okay, Okay, I agree to the peace plan, but the opposition demands I step down. Fuck them. I'm asking Bush to invade us. Rebels capture the country's second-largest city, Cap-Haitian. More than half of Haiti is now out of my government's control. I called Bush and threatened America with weapons of mass destruction; said I had rockets strapped to donkeys. I'm hoping he'll send the marines and $87 billion ASAP. It could work.

Feb. 23, 2004 - U.S. Marines arrive in Port-au-Prince to protect the American embassy. Looting continues in Cap-Haitian, and 800 tons of food is taken from the UN World Food Program warehouse. I'm going to have to get a larger freezer.

Feb. 24, 2004 -Again, I asked the international community for help. Civilians in the capital brace for a possible attack and set up roadblocks and manned barricades on roads leading into city. I called my travel agent.

Mar. 1, 2004 - I can't believe "Lord of the Rings" got the Oscar for Best Picture! And "The Triplets of Belleville" wasn't even nominated! Jesus Christ! This is disgusting! There is truly no justice in this world. Late this morning, I was arrested by U.S. Marines, hand-cuffed, and put on a Lear-Jet bound for America. I joined a family already on board; they are close relatives of Osama Bin Laden and have been flying around the world non-stop since September 12, 2001. I snuck a cell-phone call to Sen. Rangel, told him my story, and asked him to get me a literary agent. America should be fun.