Jan. 2004 - Haiti celebrates the 200th anniversary of its independence, and like all major celebrations and holidays, the people go out and kill each other. Fireworks show was beautiful. Explosions reflected off sewage ponds in middle of Main Street were especially pretty.

Feb. 2004 - Protests against me are everywhere and becoming more violent. Rebels temporarily seize control of some towns. There is a two-day strike and international aid groups warned of a looming humanitarian crisis. I'm building up kitchen pantry inventory and going out a lot less. Downloaded the new Janet Jackson album and it's highly over-rated. Couldn't find any decent nude pics either; that metal pasty pisses me off.

Feb. 5, 2004 - Rebels seize control of Gonaives, Haiti's fourth-largest city, burning a police station, and freeing prisoners. At least four people are reported dead and 20 wounded.

Feb. 9, 2004 - Rebels take control of the port town of St. Marc. Hundreds of Haitians loot TV sets, mattresses and sacks of flour from shipping containers. The insurgents call for my resignation, but I refuse, saying I will not step aside until my term ends in 2006 --- when I qualify for the full benefits from my retirement and health care plans.

Feb. 11, 2004 - The World Health Organization warns a food crisis is looming because roadblocks are preventing the delivery of food to 268,000 people in the north. Let's see, a loss of 268,000 uneducated lemmings would mean.... never mind, someone's at the door...

Feb. 13, 2004 - Canada and the U.S. want diplomatic solutions to the explosive situation. They warn rebels not to force me out of office, but U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell tells me to call off my "thugs". My thugs aren't amused.

Feb. 16, 2004 - Militia leader Guy Philippe and former police chief Louis Jodel Chamblain return to Haiti and join the rebels. They take the city of Hinche killing at least three officers at a police station. I plead for foreign help, including calls to U.S. and France. Line was busy in both cases.

Feb. 18, 2004 - Canada offers to send more than $1 million in immediate aid. Canadian dollars: big friggin' deal. I told them I need soldiers, guns, and a few cords of wood.

Feb. 19, 2004 - This morning, I watched my thugs beat some rebels to death with a blunt sledge hammer and some nail-studded fan-belts. Took the pigs 12 hours to die. Tonight, I went and saw Mel Gibson's "The Passion"; man, the violence was unbelievable! I got nauseated, threw up my coke and popcorn, and had to leave before the end. Not sure what happened, but I'm told the bad guys won. What else is new?!