1994 - President Bill Clinton threatened to invade Haiti to return me to power! Awesome! (In return, I arranged to have an "intern" join his staff; he soon get a taste of 'brown sugar'!) Former President Jimmy Carter convinced the Cedras regime to step down, and I was returned to power under the protection of U.S. troops. The Haitian army was disbanded as part of the deal. They handed over everything but their weapons. I wonder if that will come back to haunt me?

1995 - UN troops begin replacing U.S. ones in Haiti. My supporters win an election. I chose my close pal and 'business partner', Rene Preval to replace me, since I'm constitutionally barred from two consecutive terms. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. heh.

1997 - Some elections held in April. UN peacekeepers, including Canadian troops, pull out of Haiti in late November. Peace lasts about 15 minutes.

1998 - 1999 - Political instability everywhere in Haiti. Preval started ruling by decree, arguing Parliament's term had expired. He's virtually a dictator, but who cares: you should see the interest accruing in my Swiss bank account.

May 2000 Members of my "Lavalas Family Party" do great in parliamentary and municipal elections. I promised to plant a tree for every citizen so that the next generation would have plenty of fuel. They bought it.

Nov. 2000 - I won the presidency again in a sham of an election. Supporters held my opponents at gunpoint while they stuffed the ballot boxes. I got more votes than the entire number of people in Haiti. Go figure. Those arrogant, holier-than-thou Canadians and Americans said the election was flawed. They cut aid to my country, but I'm eating regularly, so who gives a shit, right?

Dec. 2001 - An attempted coup attempt left seven dead. Big deal: seven less people on an island covered in bipedal lemmings. The leader was former Haitian police chief, Guy Philippe, who fled to the Dominican Republic. Some were former members of the military. My supporters murdered broadcaster Brignol Lindor after he interviewed opposition leaders on his show. That's how one should deal with the elite "liberal media".

Nov. - Dec. 2002 - Violent protests erupting everywhere; the people apparently don't like me; what's next, a nation-wide strike? Whoops. I just got word that they've announced a nation-wide strike. So big deal: the millions of unemployed do a work-stoppage. Ahhahahahahah!

Apr. 2003 - I've designated Voodoo as an official religion. I also sent some witch doctors to Florida at the request of the Mariners. I don't think pins in a Steinbrenner doll or killing a few chickens can help this team to the World Series, but we'll see.