This entry is guaranteed to be free of the following words and/or issues: Gay Marriage, Mel Gibson, The Passion, Jesus Christ, Janet Jackson, Oscar(s), and Lord of the Rings.

It contains exclusive excerpts from the personal diary of Jean-Bertrand Aristide, ex-president of Haiti.

Dear Diary,

1956 - Francois "Papa Doc" Duvalier seized power in a military coup. I am too young to be interested in politics; I am an altar boy studying to be a priest. I go to church every morning and practice "playing the organ" under the tutelage of the church elders. I don't like it.

1964 - Duvalier declares himself president for life. He governs with the support of the Tontons Macoutes militia, which terrorizes the population.

1971 - Papa Doc died. He is replaced by his son, 19-year-old Jean Claude, nicknamed "Baby Doc." This guy appears to be crazier than his father; it's a pity this government is run according to nepotism; America never had a father and son who became President. I think it looks bad, too many special interests and favors handed out to friends, family and business pals.

1986 - After mounting civil unrest, Baby Doc flees Haiti for France, where he opens a tire store. A governing council replaces him, headed by Lieutenant-General Henri Namphy. We replaced one militaristic nut with another.

1987 - In November, the last piece of wood on Haiti was burned to boil some skinny dog. We have no trees left on the island, which, if it weren't for the ghettos and the dead bodies, would resemble Easter Island. Our new source of fuel will have to be tires, babies, and rocks, although I've heard that rocks don't burn too well.

1988 - A new president, Leslie Manigat, took power, but was ousted in another military coup. The coup's leader, Brigadier-General Prosper Avril, installs a civilian government under military control, which means meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

1990 - I am finally elected president! This is a proud moment for me and Haiti: the first freely elected leader in our country's history. My first act in office is to open a private Swiss bank account and give the old "death squads" some official new Police uniforms.

1991 - A military coup ousted me and I flee to the America, where there are more Haitians than in Haiti. I am thinking about running for mayor of Miami. Brigadier-General Raoul Cedras led the coup. Bastard. President George Bush responded with sanctions, saying he'd never use the military for a pre-emptive war, nation building, or the overthrow of a nutty dictator. He said that would be really stupid and a very dangerous precedent. Smart man, eh?