Wednesday, February 18, 2004

American Idol Is For The Hearing Impaired
Group Two Sends Two Wannabe Singers To The Mix
By: The Raging Critic

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I screamed myself awake this morning!!!!!!! WAS IT ALL A NIGHTMARE????? I ran to my computer to check my calendar. IT HAS TO BE TUESDAY - RIGHT?????? I HAD A DREAM THAT THE AMERICA WITNESSED AN IDOLTASTROPHE LAST NIGHT - RIGHT????? IT WAS NOT TRUE - RIGHT???????

WRONG!

As I turned on my computer, I slapped my forehead with the back of my hand and did a Nestea plunge onto my bean bag chair. How on Earth are we going to be able to deal with this show? Oh well, I raised myself to my feet and thought - no sweat! At least there was one good singer and I just KNEW that she would at least make it through. So what if we have one bad cookie in the batch. It could not be as bad as Carmen Rasmussen - RIGHT?????????

WRONG AGAIN!

The grand curtains open and the show is underway. Seacrest spits out some statistics. It was a close call America! WHAAAAAAAAAT? How can it be a CLOSE CALL??????? Lisa Leuschner should have had this thing in the bag! LOVELY - I plop myself onto the sofa and stuff a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into my yap! Seacrest then admits on television that he screwed up last year when he revealed that Ruben had devoured Clay in last season's finale.

Our trusty host is looking haggard tonight. Someone needs to give poor Ryan a razor. Anyway, Ryan starts with the quick rundown of last nights events. They did not show any clips tonight highlighting the performances - I would imagine they are fearing lawsuits from millions of viewers with broken ear drums. Matt is passing out roses to everybody and inviting old ladies for noon tea tomorrow. Briana is organizing a Harley rat brigade with Matt's parents. Noel and Jesus came to the results show stuffed in one big jumpsuit as if they were Siamese twins - I guess they thought if they combined their votes they might have a chance. It's a pity, but not even that would have helped!!!!!! Kara has gotten her tonsils removed and is jiggling them in a bottle right in Camile's face. Camile is smoking a sugar cane while watching a grewvy lava lamp sitting across the stage way back in the Coke red room. Marisa is preparing to climb the Notre Dame tower and ring the bell for Simon. And finally, Lisa is sitting there, prim and proper, and poised to pack her bags for the big move into the Idol Mansion.

Randy and Paula then predict that Lisa and Camile will get the nod tonight. Simon is still fixated on fat women and disses Lisa by saying only Camile is worthy of this competition. By this time I can sense a volcanic eruption brewing on the Big Island. Camile is looking like she might have a shot after all. The judges then conclude the segment with a group therapy session. Actually, they sat and berated the poor kids for being their own misjudgment.