CW FISHER

Now that President Kerry is virtually elected, the press is free to talk about more interesting things. For example, the outbreak of janetstitsinitus in Congress; or the question of whether JFK lied about botoxing his brow, and now George Bush: did he get a midnight nose job in the White House? When the actual election comes, the press will be back full-time; until then, it's a blogger's holiday.

It's time to dig deep, examine the roots of these two candidates, spread rumors, create legends and counterlegends, destroy reputations and put to rest all pretense of decency. Let's slice these people up, people.

Cutting right to the heart of matters: cosmetic surgeries.

I'm all for it. I want to know. It could radically change my opinion of a person if a person radically changed their appearance. Which is the point. Everybody knows that ugly people are treated horribly, just abominably, in this and every other society except Wal-Mart for some reason. This is why ugly insecure people have sought the skills of the surgeon since even before the invention of tools, when rock smashing was applied, to Cleopatra, who had the first high-profile boob job, to Elizabeth Taylor, who played Cleopatra and is Gramma to Michael Jackson, who is made entirely of rubber.

When blogger Brian Flemming broke the story of Bush's nose job, I felt vindicated. I noticed something different about Bush during his state of the union address and I wrote about it. I said he had a "new twinkle." Now I know why. He was showing off his new nose! Check the video: he's doing the old "I'm a Handsome Man" skit from SNL '87.

Personally I like my presidents big nosed and wrinkly. I want somebody who could play Rushmore. Beautiful people are those who have erased all nuance and quirk until they shine like empty plates. We need a president who already looks like a cartoon. Lincoln. Teddy Roosevelt. JFK I & II.

John Kerry is a ready-made for cartoonists everywhere. Just trace a photo. He's an elongated Ed Muskie.

George Bush? Sadly, the future former president is just too good looking now with that new nose. He no longer looks so chimplike. Even his eyes seem farther apart. Somehow he looks more honest now that his nose is no longer longer than a telephone wire. But that smug look of his would only slide right off the face of Mt. Rushmore in a reprise of his presidency.

Did John Kerry lie about botoxing his furrows? Obviously not. Look at that face. It's as scary as a twisted up Oak. If Kerry got botox he deserves a refund. Then he ought to talk to John Edward's guy.

But did George Bush get a midnight nose job in the White House? Who nose. You'll have to consult Brian Flemming's pictorial comparisons. Whether you believe it or not, this is 4-star entertainment. CW