Cry Me A Hudson River
Group One of AI3 Semifinals Is Loaded With Talent
By: The Raging Critic

Ahoy me maties! I have returned from my week afloat in the Caribbean and I am ready to party! Season three is starting to get hot and I must say, so far it is even hotter than Haiti. The only chilling effect we have seen was the snubbing of the captivating Sara Logan and that TARDALICIOUS thing on the scooter!!!!!! Sorry folks. I know she was a fan favorite, and it is not as if I did not like Scooter Girl. But she made my skin crawl and everytime she opened her mouth with that goofy grin, I felt as if I had encountered another bout of scabies! EEEEEEEEEK! Luckily, the judges found her skate key and locked her blasted mouth shut. Such a pity I tell ya - I suspect she wanted enough money to buy a Vespa! Damn the luck!

It is crunch time people! Now that your fingers are doing the walking, I am doing the chalking (albeit via keyboard). So I took a deep breath and flicked on the tube, only to be disappointed to see that the silver holographic Idol statuette is not 400 pounds like our velvet teddy bear. THAT'S DISCRIMINATION I TELL YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just knew that Clay Aiken really won that thing last season.

Moving on.....

Oh well, it is a new season - WOOOHOOOOOOOO! We have a new cast of characters and a brand new format!!!!! Instead of locking these young chaps in a studio for the semifinal rounds and shoving a piano up their butts, the show has decided to bring a small studio audience in for an intimate look at our idol hopefuls. What joy it is to see that the producers got a clue! Can I get an A-I-Men??

Halleluah!

So without further ado, I present you with the round one contestants listed from worst to first............

8. MATTHEW METZGER - "Walkin' In Memphis"

Matt my man - - - you just need to keep walkin' past Memphis cuz you ain't moving past opening day. He only made it to the round of 48 last year and is bitter (party of one) about it. It's a shame that his voice was still bitter too. I mean, he had a great voice and all, but remember, the bar has been raised this season - as if we have not heard it 1 zillion freakin' times already!

Matthew looks like Bo Duke from Hazzard County. He is a dentist's wet dream come true. He has beautiful teeth and a gorgeous face to back it up. It is a damn shame that this boy did not wear his leather pants tonight. Otherwise, I might be as guilty as those horny teenaged girlies who are power dialing him all night tonight. His song was good. In fact, had he sang this last year, he would have made it to the top 12. But the competition is tougher this season and poor Matthew sounded quite bland!