Satan Announces Presidential Endorsement

(Reuters - Hell Bureau) - dated February 10

In a surprise move that stunned political pundits and prognosticators, Satan announced that he's endorsing Senator John Kerry for President.

In a hot press release issued today, Satan said:

"I think Senator Kerry is the perfect man to further my agenda. It appears he'll de-sanctify the "sanctity" of marriage, give legitimate legal and civil rights to Sodomites, and continue America's spiral toward a Hell-on-Earth."

Asked why he'd abandoned his previous strong support for President George W. Bush, Satan replied, "He's gotten too powerful and too close to the Christian Conservatives for my taste. We had an agreement that those "family values" would merely be a smoke-screen to encourage the votes and financial support of a fanatical power base, but he's apparently forgotten some of his earlier commitments to me. I mean, after Florida, he owes me a lot."

Satan explained further, "I was thrilled at most of Bush's foreign policy decisions---a good war always tends to decrease my 'vacancy rates'--- but I'd hate to see that pesky Ten Commandments reappearing in public courthouses. And don't get me started on that "In God We Trust" stuff."

Asked if he would disassociate himself from some of the President's top advisors, Satan answered, "Oh, hell no. I mean, don't get me wrong; I still own I.O.U.s for the souls of most of the President's Cabinet and staff members---and I would never give up my close relationship with Dick Cheney. He knows all the best places for hunting pheasant!"

Asked why his endorsement came so early in the Democratic Primary race, Satan said, "I was going to withhold my endorsement until later in the season, but my close friend Robert Novak indicated that he might leak the story to the press prematurely, so I had to act now."

When asked what other projects he's working on for the immediate future, Satan said that Janet Jackson has a new album coming out and he'd like to see it go platinum. "It'll be hard given the level of talent, but I too work in mysterious ways."

"And," he added, "I'm also working on a tentative blockbuster deal between Exxon/Mobil, Pakistan, Iran, and the Saudi Royal Family that will really "turn" a few heads. It's proprietary at the moment, but trust me, America will be the first to know."

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