CW Fisher

In a shocking move, the White House announced the abrupt resignation of National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice and named her successor, controversial Super Bowl flasher Janet Jackson, whose recent antics bewildered America.

In a statement, White House spokesman Scott McClellan called Ms. Rice "an incompetent boob, pathological gossip, tattletale and ultimately a traitor to her country for convincing the president he could trust his intelligence and invade Iraq." His phrase "incompetent boob" turned prophetic when Ms. Rice later exposed herself to cameras in an act of either rage or desperation.

McClellan vigorously denied the Bush administration is trying to make Rice a scapegoat for the failure of American intelligence. "The President wants it clear that Ms. Rice is not a scapegoat for anyone. He calls her a 'pariah.'"

A senior administration official who asked not to be identified said, "Condoleezza Rice was a condescending prima dona. A knowledgeable know-it-all with the soul of a librarian... (She could play) a mean piano but never showed nip. We're gonna have some fun with this kid Jax. She rips."

An unusually ebullient Secretary of State Colin Powell said, "President Bush and I watched the Super Bowl together with a few others, had a few beers, a few pretzels, and it just hit us. Why not? Why not Janet Jackson? She's smart, she's beautiful, I believe she plays piano, and not that long-haired stuff Condi used to play."

Sec. Powell said the president was confident Janet Jackson will "hit the ground running. No doubt. And what she doesn't know, she'll learn." When pressed how Jackson's credentials could possibly equal those of Ms. Rice, he blushed. "This isn't about Condi. I like Condi. But Condi wasn't helping. OK? You saw me up there at the U.N., you want to talk dying? That was me up there. The lies were hers."

Powell denied any connection between Jackson's appointment and her shocking antics onstage, referring the question to "another department," an apparent nod to Justice, where John Ashcroft is personally handling the investigation of bodice-ripper Justin Timberlake, who is charged with molestation of a minor celebrity.

"What happened to Ms. Jackson could happen to any woman at any time," said Ashcroft. "A youth who sees this on his family television set might decide it's okay to pull this stunt in school. We're sending a clear message to the Jason Timberlines [sic] out there. It's not okay."

In a phone interview, Ms. Jackson said, "At first I thought it was a joke when they called but then when they said no, it's not joke, Janet, I had to say wow. You know. National Security? What do I know about national security? And they said, Janet, that's what we like about you! You're so honest. You're fresh. That's refreshing. I said thank you! And no, they never mentioned anything about my molestation event. It never came up!"

Condoleezza Rice, pursued out of the building by cameras, threw down her small box of personal items and exposed her frail chest to the press, screaming, "Is this what you want?" Most of the press turned away, save for those with cameras.

A sad day, all in all, in Washington. But some good news, finally, for the Jacksons.