These wild-haired scientists bumping into each other screaming we're all gonna die. Hey, shudup!

Nothing we can what? Nothing we can do? Never say that to an entrepreneur! We're not gonna stand here and die! That's birdshit.

You and me need to slap these guys and get busy ransacking the junk drawers for materials. First thing we gotta do is concoct some kind of cockamamie contraption that'll get us out of this mess--using duct tape and leftover materials from Ashcroft's first false alarm.

Of course, we wouldn't have to seal ourselves up if the WHO and the NIH and the CDC had been doing their jobs. If "we're due for one" that would indicate to me that it was already predicted and we'd failed to prepare.

Since we don't have time for a congressional hearing, the obvious remedy is start now. Every man, woman and child should think quick and figure this out for themselves because the government already has a hidey-hole, and what the heck, it'll be over quick for the rest of us. That's why nobody's snapped up movie rights. No audience.

He who wins this market, saves the world entire.

For my own family, my plan is simple: an inflatable house within my house, a home-made bubble, with hall to the kitchen where there are gloves in the wall so we can pet the dog. The air is filtered by a special air filtration device consisting of every possible filter combination we have laying around, including fabric softener sheets and coffee filters. April fresh air is blown in with a vacuum cleaner.

If the whole world did this for two weeks, no one would die and there would be world peace, at least for two weeks. Perfect justice. The world needs to go to its room and think about its behavior. We've been very, very bad.

If the scientists are right, quarantine is all that will kill it. If we deprive the virus of a host, it dies. If we don't, we die.

A Worldwide Quarantine would be the single greatest undertaking in human history, its success dependent on the cooperation of the whole of humanity, without exception.

But if the scientists are wrong, and we won't know until they come out again, it won't matter anyway because the whole thing will blow over until next year.

Fondly I remember my mother's favorite joke about two ladies coming out of the drug store. One lady is hit by a bird dropping, the other by splash. The first heads back into the drug store, saying, "I need toilet paper." The second replies, "Oh, why bother? That bird will be miles away by the time you get back."