(The guard brings a gaily wrapped package to the Emperor)

PALPATINE: Here you are, Vader. Read the card first.

ANAKIN: Oh, thank you, my master. You are most gen...

PALPATINE: SILENCE!
(Pause)
Well, I don't suppose you have to be silent. Go ahead and read the card.

ANAKIN: Master, it is adorable. "Welcome to the Dark Side." (Opens card)
"Now give me lasagna." Ha-ha. I am such a big Garfield fan, oh my master.

PALPATINE: Yes, I know. Well, open the box.

(Vader opens the box, revealing the famous helmet.)

ANAKIN: Why ... it's ...

PALPATINE: Yes, go on. What do you think, boy?

ANAKIN: It is truly hideous, oh my master.

PALPATINE: HAH! You like it now, wait until you put it on.

ANAKIN: (Listens to the mask)
What is that breathing noise, oh my master?

PALPATINE: (Smiling) Pretty good, eh? That's a built in air-conditioning system. Trust me, you're going to need it when you're all suited up. I had the engineering team working 24-hour shifts for 7 weeks straight to get it to sound more like asthmatic breathing and less like a comforting, regular hum.

ANAKIN: May I try it on, master?

PALPATINE: Of course, of course. That's the whole idea, you know.

(Anakin puts on helmet.)

ANAKIN: (with James Earl Jones' voice) It is very comfortable, oh my... WOW! Is that my voice, oh my master?

PALPATINE: (Laughing) Yes, yes, isn't it excellent? Voice modulation, makes you sound really, really big!

ANAKIN: With a voice like this, I could do commercial voiceovers, oh my master.

PALPATINE: Yes, yes, of course, but put such thoughts out of your mind, Vader. The Dark Side is far more lucrative. Well, go on, say something menacing!

ANAKIN: Of course, my master. Let me think of something good... mmmm... how about this?
(Gestures) "From Hell's heart, I stab at thee!"

PALPATINE: Oh, yes, quite bone-chilling. You're a natural at this evil business, Vader. Come on, I'll get you the matching gloves.

(Wipe-transisition to some damn thing or another.)

This post originally appeared at soundacious.com