Dear Craig,

Well, here we are, another year has come and gone. Where does the time go for goodness sakes? I bet you are wondering what me and mine have been up to since last year's family letter, well, let me tell you, we have been BUSY, BUSY, BUSY!!! If only there were two of me!! Molly and I have spent a good deal of our preshus time putting in a new patio and a screen to keep out those pesky bugs. It's our pride and joy!! Molly sprained her wrist trying to lift a sack of cement, but the doctors say that she's going to be just fine, praise the Lord, and she'll be able to go back to her autoharp. Her music is such a joy, specially during the holidays! I just got back from a big trip up to Redding. My goodness, how that place has grown!! They have an Olive Garden and a Wal-Mart, and just about every other modern convenience you can imagine!! But Big City life is just too hectic for me. I'll leave that for the jet set!! I'm happy with the simple things, and isn't the holiday season the time to express our appreciation for the simple joys in life? My pancreus "problem" flared up again last Spring, but the Doctor says I'll live, hahaha! Got word from Emmy that her husband Joe has been approved to collect unemployment, and I guess God has answered our prayers again. Emmy's boy Budge had some good news, too. The decision to expel him on account of lighting the bleachers on fire has been reversed for lack of evidence. That boy has so much energy, and looks just like Joe!! Well, in the mean time, Emmy has been busy building up her VHS collection of old time TV shows. Her favorites are The Waltons and Little House on the Prairie. That Jimboy tickles her pink! She's the busy one, let me tell you!! Well, I better be signing off for now. Best to you and yours. May you have the happiest of Holidays!!!

Best Wishes
Duane

Craig, thank you for voicing the thoughts of us "little people" whose life events are of such insignificance that we have nothing to even write about. I've gotten a few of these in the past and no matter how close the friend, yours are the thoughts that ran through my head. Isn't it interesting that it's only the people who've had all the luck in the world who send out these letters. The rest of us know better. "Well, pa was laid off again and lost the house. He moved in with us, then found out he had cancer. The big summer storms knocked the roof clean off our house and it was only then we found out our insurance wouldn't cover it. We're living out of the Motel 6 by the airport now. It's nice, as long as you make sure your feet are covered at all times." Hmm, nevermind, it would probably be more interesting that way, wouldn't it?

Outstanding work, CL! This fisking was long overdue, and will help put me in the holiday mood.

Classic Duane. I like yours, but as scary as it is, mine is real. This was an actual Christmas letter that somebody actually sent to another human. Still, though, great work man.

I'd rather read something like Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood's Christmas Card.

from monir

I hate horses, and I'd be willing to bet they went to Gettysburg rather than Gettysbury.

What a fucking nightmare for everyone who received this letter.

Maybe you could turn it into a horror movie script. The letter arrives in the mail. If you read it, you find that the last line says "You have seven days to live." Wait... that sounds vaguely familiar...hmm...It could be called "The Star," because just before you die by having a Christmas tree shoved up your ass, you see the little star on top of the tree.

oh my god, i know a woman who does the same type of letter each year telling about every thing each kid has done the past year. while reading her letter you just say oh my god and roll your eyes. it just makes you throw the letter, photo and envelope in the fireplace fast. it is just too much, who gives a crap about all the stuff going on about people you don't even know . take me off your christmas list please.

that letter was so frickin funny.

Pancreus???