K-Lo then stomps to the front of the stage with her burly presence and she knocks the creepy kids out of her way like a good ole fashioned Yule Tidal Wave! She is singing Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire. This open fire certainly was a zillion times better than her Heat Wave performance last season. Then again, I always did see the good side of K-Lo.

Clay and Ruben polish off the number. They are out of step, but manage to nail the Brady Bunch's "Keep On" number as if it were second nature. If only Kimberly Caldwell were here. And if only Alice could have spotted her for the big finish! ONLY IF FOLKS - ONLY IF!

The Children of the CornCOB PIPE Grow Up

Clay has stolen Seacrest's gig as he introduces all of the nutcrackers. He then introduces those creepy kids again. I mean - c'mon - these kids were so tragic that even they would get kicked out of Annie's little orphanage.............................. OK, OK, so I am out with it. I DETEST CHILDREN SINGERS........ I never reviewed that damned Juniors show because I would have landed my ass in jail for tormenting these poor children - and not in the same sick way as Jacko and Bubbles!

Then, suddenly, Clay introduces the Holy Mary of American Idol herself, Miss Kelly Clarkson!!!! WOOOOHOOOOO! Kelly comes onstage and starts up her very own Whitney-Houston Cracked-Out-Christmas-Ditty! It's called Grown-up Christmas List! - - - GASP - - - OH MY GOODNESS! Are you kidding me? What is she going to ask for? Whips? Chains? A butt plug? KELLY CLARKSON - you little grown-up hussy!

Like our Queen Kelly, I too have a grown-up Christmas list I want to give the producers. HOW ABOUT A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL NEXT YEAR WITHOUT ALL OF THE UNDERDEVELOPED VOICES????? No more kid idols please!

The Elf and the MELTING Abominable Snowman

It is now the musical elf's turn to sing. Clay then pirouetted onto the stage while piping the tune Don't Save It All for Christmas Day. He sounds incredible! However, he has a touch of John Davidson in him tonight. Now, THAT'S INCREDIBLE! I am waiting for Cathy Lee Crosby and Fran Tarkenton to come on and finish this number. Much to my dismay, Clay does it solo, but in professional fashion. Needless to say, I felt robbed at the end of his number. His head has gotten so big that he has forgotten that charming wink and smile while sticking his tongue out and mouthing the words "I LOVE YOU." Regardless though, after that performance Clay, we love you too!

Frosty the Abominable Snowman waddles onstage (that's Ruben folks) and he is dressed for a blizzard! He belts out some 70's style funked out Christmas tune. Clay then Suzie Chapsticks his way down the mountain next to Ruben. They finish the duet with such charm that the leprechauns feel robbed. DAMNED ELFS! Meanwhile, Ruben starts sweating like an eskimo on the equator. Then I realize, OH MY GAWD - Frosty's melting!!!!!!!!! Someone please grab a bucket pronto!!!!!!! It is like a scene right out of a really bad Mentos commercial.