Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum......
By: The Raging Critic

Direct from The North Pole

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me.........

Twelve Tamyra's Tweaking;
Eleven Olivares' Oinking;
Ten DeMato's Dramatizing;
Nine Nicki's Stripping;
Eight Grazing Carmens;
Seven Trenyce's Thieving;
Six Verraros' Signing;
FIVE FLAMING SEACREST's!!!!!!!!!
Four Callgirl Kimmy's;
Three Frenchie Farts;
Two Handcuffed Cories;
And a Raging Critic in a Pear Treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

.....and these are the thoughts that, like sugarplums, are dancing in my head. Had Paula Abdul choreographed it, we would be cancelled by now!!!!! My mind then snaps back into reality and suddenly I realize that the midseason delight has finally arrived. Then again, I suspect that they also have a new Christmas Album to be plugging soon too. To be continued......

In an instant, I hear the theme song to the show. I get goosebumps as eight tiny reindeer fly out from my butt crack. Well, at least I almost feel as blindsided by this surprise American Idol Christmas carol!!!!!! All we need now is a sleigh full of Osmonds and a bucket of plastic harmonicas and we could be doing this at home ourselves folks. Bah Humbug - where's my Christmas Spirit! After all, it's a night to celebrate!

THE VERY MERRY MEDLEY

Ruben appears waving! He is morbidly dressed in a black suit. HELLO RUBEN - this is Christmas, not Antichristmas! Without hesitation, Mr. American Idol belts out his best rendition of Sleigh Ride . He sang so hard that he shook when he sang like a bowl full of jelly. He was accompanied by Christina Christian, K-Lo, Tamyra Grey, and our merriest elf of all, Clay Aiken!!!!! The five of them then begin our first big medley. Hip Hip Hoooray! And then suddenly, I could have sworn that I saw Clay tossing out CD's into the audience while laughing in Ruben's face! Hey, could someone please tell me who won last season??????

Christina steals the microphone and is Walking In a Winter Wonderland. She looks smashing, but her vocal cords sound SMASHED. Is it possible that she managed to shatter the vibrato out from her very own vocal cords??????? As much as I wanted her to ditch the vibration, I cannot help but miss that natural machine gun effect emulating from Christina's mouth. She now sings smooth, but I am not that impressed! At any rate, it is better than she is walking in this winter wonderland. Fox probably needed their wheelchair prop back for some other show.

Then, just when you thought it was safe to take the electronic ankle-bracelet off of Michael Jackson, the American Juniors winners come onstage. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! These kids are creepier than the Children of the Corn. Give me the knife Malikai......pretty please!