Shrink My Brain More!
Published November 13, 2003
I do not care if you survived the ghetto.
I do not care if your are a stupid redneck with athletic skills.
I do not care if you are back on the wagon after running over children with your moped.
I do not like green eggs and ham.
I will not read ESPN the Magazine.
I have absolutely no idea how and why I get "ESPN the Magazine." I never subscribed to it. I have never paid for it. Every two weeks it just arrives in my mailbox... like anthrax... no fleece pullovers or nothing... just the damn stupid "People Magazine" of sports.
Sports are for watching. I will watch almost anything from rodeo to ping-pong to even the almost-sport called the NBA. Yet, I could care less if Penny Hardaway has a Plasma TV in his Escalade or that Jeremy Schlock-y looks, smells and tastes like his Mother. This is irrelevant. I don't care about other people's struggles or success stories unless they change the world. Even the O.J. Trial made me consider slicing Ron Goldman's neck.. after I finished on my wrists. You all play sports. I want to see you do just that. So what you do with your fur coat, your Alligator nipple harness or cheerleader bitch girlfriend is meaningless to me. Shut up and stickhandle you cokehead... and try not make a two "line" pass!
Where does ESPN even have time for a magazine? They have like 83 channels of sports programming to fill... oh yeah, they have given up on that, now airing the jock-strap soap opera "Playmakers" and the "Regis and Kelly" meets "The Best Damn Sports Show" knock-off "Cold Pizza." This show has less of a chance to make it to Thanksgiving than the Pope. It's like a giant advertisement for teeth whitener and lack of talent. I barely can watch the rubber-headed people on the Weather Channel, so what makes you think I have a hankering to watch members of the New England Revs fuck up the temperature in Topeka. If I had to get up every day and stomach this crusty mass of extra cheese, I'd rather get a tape worm.
Bring back Australian Rules Football!
*posted today with other ridiculous rhetoric at brianlewandowski.com
- Shrink My Brain More!
- Published: November 13, 2003
- Type:
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Media
- Writer: Brian Lewandowski
- Brian Lewandowski's BC Writer page
- Brian Lewandowski's personal site
- Spread the Word
- Like this article?
- Email this
Save to del.icio.us
Comments on this articleComments
Wow, I love ESPN the magazine. They've covered some really interesting charity work that athletes participate in, they often ask challenging questions about the outsized importance of sport in mainstream life (ironically), they have lots of great pictures, lots of funny columns, insightful explanation of complex issues that aren't covered in TV broadcasts...
Add your comment, speak your mind
(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/10104)
Some very sweet vitriol Brian - I don't much care what these puds do in real life either. It's what happens on the field that counts. usually the more I know about them, the more I dislike their pedestrian tastes, gaudy trinkets and similar stupid shit. Yeah!