Um, DUH.

It's common knowledge that women break into the candy stash before the first goblins ring the doorbell. We're supposed to do that without worrying about depriving the neighborhood imps their goodies. Then we're supposed to munch on the leftovers for the next week or so. Am I really talking "man bites dog," here?

Yesterday, I knew each and every individually wrapped candy was precious. So that candy sat there and taunted me all afternoon in those visually attractive orange colored bags. [Hey, what a coincidence that Home Depot uses the same Halloween orange in its stores ... hmmmm... must be man candy in there.]

As expected, the candy ran out early: an hour into the trick-or-treating. I briefly enjoyed happy children genuinely thanking me for my generous contribution. After that, I scoured our pantry for alternatives. All I could find was a bag of cheesy, $.02 lollipops. You never heard such insincere "thank yous" in your life as I dropped those suckers into the pumpkins and pillow cases. I tried palming them to obscure them, but the older kids were on to me. Where's the joy in that?

I was lucky that the lollipops ran out quickly, too. I couldn't have been happier to end the humiliation and disappointment. So we shut the porch light and called it a night. At 6:30.

Ladies, let this be a lesson to you. Do NOT let a man shop for Halloween candy, or you'll be craving chocolate all day and giving out crappy lollipops at night.

On the upside, the stores should be practically giving away their leftover Halloween candy today! You can be sure I'll return with a respectable purchase. And no peanuts.